user names

[MaineWriter]

To tell the truth, I sometimes find it odd that everyone in my family has the same last name except me.

My ancestors came to this country in 1664 and I can trace my family history earlier than that in England. In my family, it was just my sister and me and I determined, at a very early age, that I would keep my name when I got married. My boyfriend/fiance/husband (as he moved through the stages) never had any issue with any of this.

When it came time for children, another decision loomed. We talked about it and came to the agreement that the children would have my name, since we needed to keep that going. My husband's family (good Irish Catholics that they are) had plenty of folks with his last name.

So, maybe, Katherine, my husband feels like you--the only person with a certain name in the family.

As for the "too confusing for the kids" argument...that's just nonsense. Read any news article in the newspaper about something to do with a family and it seems like everyone has a different last name. And in my own experience, with my children, it has never been a problem. Forms all have a place for "father's name" and "mother's name" and we fill them in. No big deal.

Interestingly, one of my aunts--who was considered to be one of the most liberal and feminist women in the family--was the one who was most opposed to me keeping my name when I got married. First she tried to argue that it is legally required (it isn't) and then she tried to argue that it was the "right" thing to do. That didn't go anywhere. She had always given me a check for Christmas as a gift. After I was married, she made it out to "Mrs. Anthony Jendrek" which was really insulting, since that wasn't my name. But I still took the money! LOL

L

[Shasta542]

LOL -- Did you endorse it with the name you'd kept? 

[forsythia12]

Interestingly, one of my aunts--who was considered to be one of the most liberal and feminist women in the family--was the one who was most opposed to me keeping my name when I got married. First she tried to argue that it is legally required (it isn't) and then she tried to argue that it was the "right" thing to do. That didn't go anywhere. She had always given me a check for Christmas as a gift. After I was married, she made it out to "Mrs. Anthony Jendrek" which was really insulting, since that wasn't my name. But I still took the money! LOL

L

lol .  omg i can relate to that.  my 86yr old grandmother-in-law (god rest her soul) always made the cheques out to mrs.(husband's first and last name)   
pissed me right off.  i gave up my last name, NOT MY FIRST TOO! lol
she's totally old-school farm wife from with the 'submit to thy husband' attitude.  whatever. 

[Kelda]

I love that I now know what Raspberry and scattered are in other languages....

[MaineWriter]

LOL -- Did you endorse it with the name you'd kept? 

I sure did! And I never had any problem with that, either!

L

[malina]

Hmmmm... "Malina-5 Forever"? Tres exotique!

 

[malina]

Hi yourself! 

So I'm wondering, did this make your grandfather happy? I hope so. But something tells me that for a lot of people of that generation, this wouldn't really "count." Because in much of Western culture, we're so used to linking family lineage/surname/male heir. So a grandfather (not yours necessarily, as I don't know him) might think, "OK, fine for Malina to keep the name, this funny feminist trend will extend it for one more generation, but then her daughter will change hers, and that's the end of that." And to some extent, grandfathers who that way may be right (again, I mean generally) because I think the pendulum toward keeping "maiden" names is somewhat swinging back.

hmm...  I don't remember if it made him happy. I think, because I was so young at the time, it wasn't something that was taken seriously. I think it was just stated as a fact - because there were only girls in the family, of course the name would not be passed on. You know what, though? I kept my last name, and I always will, and I always knew I would, but I didn't end up passing it on after all! My daughter has her father's name. She has my last name too, but we didn't hypenate it, and so it's officially one of her middle names, which is very old fashioned. Of course, some members of my extended families insist on calling her by my surname and ignoring her real last name... when they address cards to her and stuff. Well, that's just silly family politics..

As to why I did it that way... you know, I'm not quite sure. It doesn't feel strange to me that my daughter and I don't have the same last name. It never has.. maybe it should, but it doesn't. At the time, I did it that way because - well, because I could tell that he, her father, wanted it to be that way. And as it turned out, he passed away when she was 15 months old, and I've always felt glad that she has something from her father, and that sense of belonging in his family. It's almost like I feel her 'belonging' with me is such a simple and constant fact that the name seems irrelevant, but with her father's family, it could have gone either way - the sense of belonging, that is - but I'm glad it is the way it is.

It's interesting, though! Just writing this, I can see how the issue of family names has an element of 'laying claim' to people, somehow... or is that just my weird family? 

[serious crayons]

It's interesting, though! Just writing this, I can see how the issue of family names has an element of 'laying claim' to people, somehow... or is that just my weird family? 

No, I think you're right, that's the ancient traditional meaning of all this. Names indicated kinship, and they came from men because men were the heads of the clan. Now all that sounds like something out of ... I don't know, Beowulf. We can get past it, but discarding longstanding traditions is always hard for some people. I think now as a culture we're finally getting used to the idea that people can have all kinds of different last names and yet be members of the same family.

I'll tell you what I find the most annoying. There's this one aunt of my husband's who sends us Christmas cards addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. [John Doe]." That would bug me even if my last name actually was Doe!

[malina]

No, I think you're right, that's the ancient traditional meaning of all this. Names indicated kinship, and they came from men because men were the heads of the clan. Now all that sounds like something out of ... I don't know, Beowulf. We can get past it, but discarding longstanding traditions is always hard for some people. I think now as a culture we're finally getting used to the idea that people can have all kinds of different last names and yet be members of the same family.

I'll tell you what I find the most annoying. There's this one aunt of my husband's who sends us Christmas cards addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. [John Doe]." That would bug me even if my last name actually was Doe!

I know! Referring to a woman as "Mrs. John Doe" always reminds me of Margaret Atwood's (do people outside of Canada read Atwood? Sorry, that's an ignorant question... I just really don't know!) The Handmaid's Tale, where the women were given the first name of the man they served, with 'of' at the front of it, so the woman who was "John's" handmaiden would be called "Ofjohn" instead of having her own first name.

I mean, isn't it enough that the woman's last name is supplanted by the husbands... does the first name have to disappear too? No... I just don't understand the "Mrs. John Doe" convention. And you know what else? It even works posthumously, beyond the grave. My mother-in-law is still sometimes "Mrs. George blank", even though her husband has been dead for about twenty years!

I don't get it.. 

[MaineWriter]

I think in the real old-fashioned etiquette, a woman went by "Mrs. John Doe" (using her husband's name) if she was a widow, and "Mrs. Mary Doe" (using her first name) if she was divorced, assuming, of course, that she didn't take back her maiden name when she got divorced. This would be to differentiate "Mary" from the new "Mrs. John Doe" who would be her ex-husband's second wife.

Sort of ridiculous, isn't it?