Is it just me, or is Heath's absence still hitting others hard?

[optom3]

I know I am prone to depressive episodes,but I thought this one was under control. However when it comes to Heath, I don't seem to have moved on at all. I am really beginning to think I am a complete nut job.
I keep talking to myself (bad sign I know) trying to rationalise it.I did not know the man, had never met him, or even seen him at a distance.So I have no idea why I am in such a state over it.
Before I ask my friendly psychiatrist to increase my meds. I just wanted to see if it was still hitting others as hard.I spend half my time crying and the other half shouting at him for being so careless.
Maybe it is just an accumulation of everything else that has happened in the past 6 months,but it would be a relief to know that there are others out there who are still struggling with it.

[Katie77]

 I dont think for one minute you are alone Fiona.

I was in a doctors surgery the other day, and they had some old magazines in the waiting room, and I happened to pick up one dated a couple of days before Heath died, and there was a picture of him in it with Matilda.

As soon as I saw the pic, I turned back to the cover of the magazine to see what the date was, and realizing how close to his passing, I knew that the next weekly edition of that magazine would have been covered with Pictures of Heath and articles about his death.

It made me look even more closely at the photo of him and Matilda....seemed like they did not have a worry in the world, so unaware of what was about to happen. In a odd kind of way, I actually felt guilty because I knew what was going to happen to him, and he did not, and none of it seemed right. This feeling stayed with me long after I had put the magazine down, and has crossed my mind often since........It makes me feel so dam frustrated that he is gone......still just does not seem fair.

The thought of that beautiful, smiling young man, laying motionless for ever, is just to much to comprehend.

[THE WINGS]

No, it's not just you.  I still find it very hard to watch Brokeback, and the other night was the first time in along time that I was able to get through it in one sitting.  I've seen lots of other movies where actors have since passed away, but these were individuals who have been gone for quite some time.  Heath's death is so current and therefore it seems a lot harder to watch him on screen without feeling this sense of loss.  I am looking forward to seeing him in "The Dark Knight".  I'm sure his performance will turn out to be a truly Oscar-worthy one....maybe even leading to a posthumous Oscar award, which I believe has happened in the past, if I'm not mistaken.

I'm only speculating here, but maybe his total committment to his characters, especially with regard to his role as "The Joker" may have inadvertently led to his demise.  Apparently, if the reports were true, his family and friends had urged him to 'take a break' from filming because he was getting too involved.  Perhaps this contributed to his sleeping difficulties and other problems which led to his lack of judgment with regard to his medications.  Regardless, he was a decent person, in my opinion, who was truly devoted to his craft, and his daughter.  May he continue to rest in peace.

Doug O'Connor

[optom3]

Oh I am just so glad to know I am not alone.Matt my middle son is now starting to question me.He keeps asking what is it about Heath that I am so obsessed with and I can't give him any coherent,logical answer.Then he asked ME something very odd, He asked me how I would be if something happened to him.I sort of brushed it over and thought a part of me would die,lost forever.
Two years ago my daughter developed lumps in her armpit.We went to the doctor who gave us a prescription in case it was infected glands.Long story short they did not go.It was at this point that he said he wanted her seen by an oncologist at the children's hospital in St. Petersburg.My heart beat so loudly I don't know how  got out of the surgery and home.
We laughed it off with her, though god knows how we managed. Later that night my husband and I just fell apart.It is the first time I have ever seen my stiff upper lip husband cry.
We had a break booked with a friend of mine so decided that I would still go with her and the 2 younger ones as planned. My oldest was staying at home with my husband to do some boys stuff.
I stayed as normal as possible,but my husband who is normally a rock,I cannot tell you how unemotional he normally is,just rang me crying every night.
We got home after the week away,and the next day were at the hospital.The first oncologist who examined her found more lumps in her groin and told us she wanted the head of dept to examine her. I ran out of the room and was violently ill. Regained my composure and went back in.All the time trying to joke with my daughter.My husband could not speak.
They were so concerned about her they did the full scan that day, and took biopsies.We had to wait 24 hours for the results which was incredibly quick, but seemed like an eternity.
The hospital were amazing and the head man himself rang with the all clear.

The reason I am telling you all this is I think that incident,followed by my husband being robbed at gunpoint plus all the trouble with my oldest son,has taken its toll.I could never let go about my daughter as I did not want her to know how terribly serious it could have been.I spent the whole week on holiday with her,laughing and joking.Ditto with my husband, we had to pretend for the kids sake that he was never in any real danger.But he was, he had a gun to his head as he was marched from one end of the store to the other.

I think what happened with Heath, maybe has allowed me to let go and grieve for everything that has happened to us.I wonder if that is why, it has hit so hard.I have held onto so much for so long and now I can finally let go.That does not take anything away from Heath,quite the reverse.It is yet another horrendous incident, in what has been for me a pretty lousy 12 months.

Also as silly as it seems I am angry with him, for depriving us of so many extraordinary roles that he still had left.For depriving us of that wonderful smile, and almost childish, awkwardness when being interviewed.
For having that beautiful song written for his daughter,happy ever after in your eyes.In the song it says "couldn't' t leave you to go to heaven, I carry you in my smile,for the first time my true reflection I see, happy ever after in your eyes"

Well he did leaves us all, to go to heaven.Part of me is so sad and part is so angry,what a mess. O.K got that off my chest.
As always I find what I need here at Bettermost, friends and sympathetic ears, which give me back some semblance of normality.I can't help but feel that if we here ran the world it would be a much better place, where tolerance and genuine understanding, would be the premise, not hate and the rule of the dollar king!!!!!

[MilAn]

No, it's not just you optom. Every time i see a young father with his daughter i think of Heath and Matilda and how he should be with his daughter too.
His death was so senseless. 28 years young, had a beautiful, healthy daughter a promising career and supposedly a new, pretty girlfriend.
I ask myself every day how this could have been prevented? Did those close to him notice his problems, and he must have had problems when he was on anti anxiety medications and sleeping pills etc., did anyone try to help? A life thrown away. It's tragic.

[optom3]

No, it's not just you optom. Every time i see a young father with his daughter i think of Heath and Matilda and how he should be with his daughter too.
His death was so senseless. 28 years young, had a beautiful, healthy daughter a promising career and supposedly a new, pretty girlfriend.
I ask myself every day how this could have been prevented? Did those close to him notice his problems, and he must have had problems when he was on anti anxiety medications and sleeping pills etc., did anyone try to help? A life thrown away. It's tragic.

I wish someone had noticed too.It shows me how lucky I am that from parents through to my husband.People have always seen when I was starting one of my downward spirals.Including on Xmas day years ago,when I thought I was putting up a pretty good show at my parents house. Not so, my mother bless her, ever vigilant found half my lunch hidden in the rubbish.She had gone looking as she knew the start of the downward spiral for me was always heralded by not eating.

I just wish someone had been that observant with Heath, or maybe they were and he just chose not to listen, we will never know I guess.I do not have lots of friends,but the ones I do.know even over the phone if things are getting bad again.

I would also like to see pharmacies here having a national database as they do in England.I know if you really want to get hold of meds. you still can.But if it stops just one death from mixing all sorts of prescription meds,it would be worth it.
An example for me is I have one set of meds I could still get from my physician, who originally started treating me.I now see a psychiatrist who has given me 2 different sets of meds.Now I am not going to get all the meds made up, but I could do very easily, with no cross checking at all.Get one lot at CVS and one at Wallgreens.The psychiatrist does not know of the doctors prescriptions for me and vice versa.

To make matters worse both have prescribed diazepam as one of my meds, and the other anti depressants would be fatal if mixed.It is madness.I know of the potential risk because of all my time spent working as a clinical chemist,also I look up every med I am ever prescribed.I am not suicidal, but just imagine if I was how easy it would be for me. All legitimate prescriptions, no lies told to anyone. Also just imagine if I did not have the science background I do, I could easily think, well I still feel crap, so I think I will take all the different meds and see if that helps.

It is all too easy to see how a tragic accident could so easily happen again.The pharmacies really need at the very least to be linked by a central computer.It cannot be that difficult in this day and age. Also it needs the pharmacist to spell out what meds will react with each other.So when a prescription is collected they should tell you,dont take this if you are already taking a.b or c.That is what they do in England.It would not prevent the suicides,but I do believe it would stop a lot of the accidental overdoses.

[MilAn]

Optom, around 5 years ago i had a severe depression, because of problems in college and private life and i started to think if i ate something i would choke on it and die, so i stopped eating. It was such a difficult time. My mother was the only one who noticed something wasn't ok with me, but my parents are  the types of people who think you should handle your problems yourself and don't talk with others about it. But i realized i couldn't handle it myself and i asked my doctor to give me an adress for a  phycologist. At fist my parents were against it, they kept insisting i could get rid of my problem myself, but after therapy and a very mild anti depressant (which i don't need anymore) they realized how helpful the therapy was and they changed their mind. Thank God! I guess i wanted to say that even if your parents love you, they don't always fully understand you or realize how bad your condition is. I fought for myself, but i'm a female and maybe females care more about their well-being. I don't know how it was with Heath.

[optom3]

Optom, around 5 years ago i had a severe depression, because of problems in college and private life and i started to think if i ate something i would choke on it and die, so i stopped eating. It was such a difficult time. My mother was the only one who noticed something wasn't ok with me, but my parents are  the types of people who think you should handle your problems yourself and don't talk with others about it. But i realized i couldn't handle it myself and i asked my doctor to give me an adress for a  phycologist. At fist my parents were against it, they kept insisting i could get rid of my problem myself, but after therapy and a very mild anti depressant (which i don't need anymore) they realized how helpful the therapy was and they changed their mind. Thank God! I guess i wanted to say that even if your parents love you, they don't always fully understand you or realize how bad your condition is. I fought for myself, but i'm a female and maybe females care more about their well-being. I don't know how it was with Heath.

That is such an astute point.Females will get help sooner than males.It is now 6 years since my husband has even been registered with a doctor,either here or in England !!!!
My brother who has had similar problems to me, only got help about 5 years ago.
I am very lucky in that my mother was once a nurse in a psychiatric hospital,so there was no fooling her, not by me anyway.My brother did not fool her either,but he moved to Japan when he was 21 so she could not help him anymore.
To this day she know instantly over the phone when all is not right with me. So I count myself lucky.She also I recently found out, filled my husband in on what to look out for, when we moved here.!!!!!  A mothers love,irreplaceable, for me anyway.

[MilAn]

Your mom sounds like a doll.  My mom's very observant too, but unfortunately had a wrong image about psychologists and people who are on therapy, it changed once she saw how much my psychologist helped me. I think your views on such things depend on society and where you grew up.

My brother did not fool her either,but he moved to Japan when he was 21 so she could not help him anymore.

Heath's parents and sister Katie live in Australia, he lived in the USA. I read his true friends were mostly his childhood friends from Australia and as often as he and they could he paid for them to fly over for a visit. I don't know how many real, close friends he had in the USA. But i know really good friends are hard to find and i imagine in Hollywood even harder. I think there's even more competition and envy (mostly money and fame come first), i think Heath was one of the rare real nice guys, but too sensitve for this Hollywood business.

[optom3]

Your mom sounds like a doll.  My mom's very observant too, but unfortunately had a wrong image about psychologists and people who are on therapy, it changed once she saw how much my psychologist helped me. I think your views on such things depend on society and where you grew up.

Heath's parents and sister Katie live in Australia, he lived in the USA. I read his true friends were mostly his childhood friends from Australia and as often as he and they could he payed for them to fly over for a visit. I don't know how many real, close friends he had in the USA. But i know really good friends are hard to find and i imagine in Hollywood even harder. I think there's even more competition and envy (mostly money and fame come first), i think Heath was one of the rare real nice guys, but too sensitve for this Hollywood business.

Too true, a nice guy with an immense talent, but as you say too sensitive for hollywood.
My mother is a sweetheart, and unusual for  a Brit. totally into psychiatry etc.Very unusual when you consider my first bout of trouble was 30 plus years ago.She also knew from a very early age that there was something wrong with my oldest son.She just kept hoping she was wrong.
Finally she spoke to me about him.Not easy as I am pretty sensitive about all my kids.In my eyes of course they are perfect In truth when she spoke to me about him I was already thinking he had a problem,He was about 6/7 at the time ,and as I watched him with other kids he was plainly different.It was a relief to have my mum, tackle the subject.I was beginning to wonder if I was just neurotic.
The rest is history,but it was just the start of a very long journey.

 Going back to Heath, I am just surprised that no one related his constant fidgeting to something like ADD.I remember in one earlier interview,he was joking saying his agent had said to him,for gods sake just sit on your hands.
One of the reasons I find his interviews so hard to watch, is he just reminds me of my brother prior to Ritalin.He was impossible when you were talking to him,up and down,pacing round fidget, fidget.He has been like that for as long as I can remember.The only time he calmed down was when he was playing music,either,piano,violin,guitar,saxophone.He is a supremely talented musician.But the life of a musician would have killed him.He could not play to an audience.

I saw so much of that with Heath.When it was the relative privacy of him, a camera and his craft, he was fine.Put him in front of an audience for an interview ,and he was almost painful to watch.

Well at least we have his work to remember him by,but it is far too young an age to be talking of someone in the past tense. I will never get used to it. Not when such a large part of me believes it could have been prevented.