Author Topic: <-- Introduce Yourself -->  (Read 435703 times)

Offline Bucky

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Re: <-- Introduce Yourself -->
« Reply #380 on: August 01, 2006, 08:23:25 am »
Your post is so illuminating . . . I often wondered what contact with "my Ennis" would be like now. Perhaps it is better not to have the veil lifted. Or is it? I guess you would know. Are you better off for knowing him now? I hope he at least apologized for the way he left you. It's a lot to ask for you to become his friend. I'm not sure I could, if I were in your shoes. . . .
     


ekeby,

In my case I think it is better to have lifted the veil of what my ex-partner's life of twenty two years ago has been like for the last nineteen years.  He did write me a letter and send me a wedding invitation when he married this girl nineteen years ago.  He never really apologized for having abandoned me but he did say that our love affair was a hopeless situation in the world at that time.  He brought up the fact that we were both concerned for how it would work but my big shock was that instead of seeing it through whether we could have made it or not was his choice to just bail out on me without so much as a word.  I would not go to his wedding and I explained the reasons why including that I knew he was marrying her to please his family and that I also knew that he did not love her.  He couldn't have really loved her as he quit her for me at one time. 

I am not really as bitter as I was before I got in contact with him.  I do take a satisfaction in knowing that his life is really "screwed up."  Somehow it makes me feel less of a victim knowing that he has troubles too.  I also don't get a thrill when I get his emails now instead my feelings are "oh no not again."  He wants my help after what happened between us and how it all came to an end.   I really just don't feel anything much anymore. 

You need to know though that he was the one who pursued me.  I had led a sheltered life in grade school and high school.  I had attractions to guys but for some reason at the time I didn't really think anything about it as I dated a girl my senior year in high school.  In college I didn't really realize I think that I was gay.  It wasn't until this guy began to walk to classes with me and eat with me in the cafeteria and go out of his way to be every where I was and I was both flattered and just a little embarrassed that he kept gazing into my eyes.  I was becoming attracted to him but I still would never have had the courage to bring it up.  He was the one who finally brought it up.   I had all sorts of strange feelings when he told me that he quit his girl friend and I asked him why and he said because I like somebody else.  I said who is it you like?  Then he said I am looking at him. There was no doubt then in my mind and despite all sorts of mixed emotions I decided to have the affair with him.  He was wonderful for a long time.  Then eventually we had to come to terms with what we were going to do after college and things of that nature.  Sort of like when Jack asked Ennis in the motel room scene "what are we going to do now?"  Neither of us knew the answer to that question  but I was committed to try and make it work somehow.  However he took the easy way out and just changed colleges and didn't get in contact with me again for three years and then until around May I didn't have any contact with him for nineteen years and I haven't seen him in person in twenty two years.  Now I am getting more emails from him than I really want. 

I know he is a troubled man but I can't really help him because if his wife won't give him a divorce then that is not my problem.  I think he is being a little insensitive to even talk to me about how much he likes the guy he is seeing now and how troubled he is that he can't get out of his marriage.   It would have been different if he would let his mind go back twenty two years and think of the things we said to each other and how much love he had for me.  I think it is thoughtless on his part to tell me now about how much he loves this guy that he wants to divorce his wife in order to be with.  At least now I know what happened in his life and all of his troubles and I think now that I can put the past to rest.
« Last Edit: August 01, 2006, 08:58:22 am by Bucky »

Offline dly64

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Re: <-- Introduce Yourself -->
« Reply #381 on: August 01, 2006, 08:24:05 am »
Ekeby, Bucky and Sam -

All of your stories make me sad. Even though I am a hetero, I can relate. I have been in a 14 year relationship to nowhere. He is black, I am white. My parents have no problems with it ... his does. So, I have been a secret for all of those years! He lives in South Carolina, I live in Indiana Ö so we rarely see each other. I feel like my best years have past me by! The killer is, I have tried to move on and canít. Heís in my blood! Thatís why I feel a strong bond to Jack. I think he and I have a lot of parallels in life.

Thanks again for sharing your heartfelt stories. They have really touched me!

Diane

"We're supposed to guard the sheep, not eat 'em."

Offline Bucky

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Re: <-- Introduce Yourself -->
« Reply #382 on: August 02, 2006, 01:55:29 am »
Very true, but, ekeby and Bucky, I still love and ache for a straight guy I fell heavily in love before I knew it. He told me he'd rather take a gun and shoot himself than be touched by a queer; which was one hell of a 'put down'. Later he was very kind, or at least as kind as that impossible situation allowed. He is called Robert, and was fresh out of university too and was very fine. I've had to bear it, get on with my life, make the best of things, which I have, but I've never forgotten, a long lifetime later, and never stopped hoping that one day I'll see him again. I last heard that he live'd in Gloucester, UK, but I've never tried to make contact.
you two guys at least HAD a relationship to remember with love. I know it sounds twee, but I do think you are lucky, and that you spoil the love you felt, by giving way to bitterness. For all the pain, I've never tried to 'get my own back' on Rob. You might say with justification, that you aren't bitter,  but it does rather seem so. Best Wishes, Sam  :)
     


Sam,

You have to realize that you are an important human being also in my honest opinion.   Robert should not have said what he did to you at the time.  It was cruel and uncalled for in my opinion.  You can't help who you fall in love with but you have to respect who you are.  It has been a lot of years now since you met Robert so my advice is the same advice they gave me on the IMDb board.  Try to find out where he is and just tell him that you knew him years ago and you just wanted to see how an old friend was getting along these days.  That was what I did when I emailed Cleo.  Cleo is a strange name for a boy but that is his middle name.  He has a first name but always went by Cleo.  His folks gave him that name because his mother's sister was named Cleo and they named him Cleo after her. 

You can check through the telephone directory of the white pages for Gloucester to see if Robert's name is listed in it.  I was lucky in that I still had a friend or two that emails Cleo from time to time and had his email address so I just decided to email him.  I didn't know what to expect really as our last contact did not end well from my end.   

I was surprised that after an email or two that he really opened up to me about what a mess that he had gotten himself into and how he didn't 'know how to handle it.  He was a guy that never should have gotten married in the first place.  He married Doris knowing that he way gay and I know that she either knew or suspected he was gay when she married him so she didn't exactly walk into her marriage blindly.  During the eight months Cleo and I were together he told me that he had quit his girlfriend of two years for me and this was before I even knew for sure that he liked me like he did.  We had eight great months together but Cleo never handled pressure easily.   The kicker was that both of us knew that our college love affair could not have a Cinderella style ending but I hoped something would work out so we could continue to see each other but then he just changed colleges and I was left alone without a word.  Now we are talking about a month of me being pursued by him and then me falling in love with him and eight months of total happiness and then he dropped totally out of my sight.  I am sorry if that seems spoiled to you but I felt a great let down.  Even though Cleo never handled pressure easily I was always sure we would talk things over and if it seemed to us like it was an impossible situation that we would make a mutual decision to give each other up.  I never dreamed that he would just abandon me altogether but that was his way of dealing with things.  I wish he had just kept Doris and left me alone than letting our love end like that.  Now he is in trouble because he is having an affair with a man and Doris won't give him a divorce and he has one son who will be a senior in high school next year.  Now that he has a family he should stay with his wife until his son leaves for college.  Then maybe Doris will give him a divorce.  All I know Cleo put me through a lot and I can't help it if I don't feel that sorry for him in his present situation. 

I am also the kind of guy who will not commit easily and I almost didn't commit to Cleo but his persistence paid off and I did give myself to him and for awhile I thought life couldn't be better but it was like we were on a boat headed straight for the rapids and when our ship hit the rapids he saved himself and let me go down with the wreck.  Now his life is on a boat headed for the rapids and I can't do anything for him.  Actually I am very glad that I found out about his life because all of the troubles he has made for himself is about to hit the rapids and he will have to save himself just like he did when he let me go.  I guess I do feel sorry for him and I hope nothing bad really happens but I am free of it now.  I no longer feel responsible for him and I didn't put him in the situation that he is in now.  He did that all by himself and I won't play "Dear Abby" for him either.

Offline ekeby

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Re: <-- Introduce Yourself -->
« Reply #383 on: August 02, 2006, 01:21:26 pm »
Ekeby, Bucky and Sam -

All of your stories make me sad. Even though I am a hetero, I can relate. Thanks again for sharing your heartfelt stories. They have really touched me!

These stories touch me too. This BBM experience has been a real eye opener for me, not just for having my past flash before my eyes, but learning that my situation was far from unique. I get the feeling that variations of the BBM story, like yours, Diane, are perhaps more common than not.

I'm thinking of Al's line in Latter Days: "Seriously. You need to find a way to get past this."  I didn't play the "what if" game. What happened to me (and to all of us, by the sound of it), was so far out of my control that nothing I could have done would have changed the events as they transpired. Nevertheless, the sense of loss and betrayal was devastating.

It's especially hard because at some basic level, it doesn't add up the way we want it to. One: If I could live this life, so could he. Two: If he loved me the way I loved him, he should have stayed. Therefore, three: he didn't love me as much as I loved him.

That's hard. For me, it was never about regrets, or forgiveness, or what might have been. It was about the feeling that I wasn't loved enough. That I wasn't worth his giving up a straight life. Because, in the 60s, that's what it could have been, having to give up all friends, family, connections, maybe even career. I have to ask myself, is that valid? That I should feel unloved because he wouldn't or couldn't sacrifice his life?

The short answer is "no." It isn't about how much we were loved or not loved. As in BBM, it's about the other guy's fear and trembling. It's sad, even tragic. But it shouldn't effect our self-esteem and it has nothing to do with our self-worth. By participating in these boards, we're acknowledging the sadness, not indulging in self pity. It's important for us all, and for those who are reading this, to make that distinction.
I complain too much. That teacher don't like me. Now it's your turn.

Offline Bucky

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Re: <-- Introduce Yourself -->
« Reply #384 on: August 03, 2006, 04:30:52 am »
These stories touch me too. This BBM experience has been a real eye opener for me, not just for having my past flash before my eyes, but learning that my situation was far from unique. I get the feeling that variations of the BBM story, like yours, Diane, are perhaps more common than not.

I'm thinking of Al's line in Latter Days: "Seriously. You need to find a way to get past this."  I didn't play the "what if" game. What happened to me (and to all of us, by the sound of it), was so far out of my control that nothing I could have done would have changed the events as they transpired. Nevertheless, the sense of loss and betrayal was devastating.

It's especially hard because at some basic level, it doesn't add up the way we want it to. One: If I could live this life, so could he. Two: If he loved me the way I loved him, he should have stayed. Therefore, three: he didn't love me as much as I loved him.

That's hard. For me, it was never about regrets, or forgiveness, or what might have been. It was about the feeling that I wasn't loved enough. That I wasn't worth his giving up a straight life. Because, in the 60s, that's what it could have been, having to give up all friends, family, connections, maybe even career. I have to ask myself, is that valid? That I should feel unloved because he wouldn't or couldn't sacrifice his life?

The short answer is "no." It isn't about how much we were loved or not loved. As in BBM, it's about the other guy's fear and trembling. It's sad, even tragic. But it shouldn't effect our self-esteem and it has nothing to do with our self-worth. By participating in these boards, we're acknowledging the sadness, not indulging in self pity. It's important for us all, and for those who are reading this, to make that distinction.
       


Great post ekeby.  I think you "hit the nail on the head" in your summation about  the ones we loved not loving us as much as we loved them.  None of us would have the sadness and sorrow that we have been through over the years if our significant others had loved us the way we loved them.  I know that I was willing to sacrifice a lot for my partner but he never gave me the chance.  None of our partners have been willing to sacrifice for us like we would sacrifice for them so it would seem logical to me that they never really loved us as much as we loved them.  In all of the last few posts that I have read I have concluded that it was out of our control and there was not a whole lot that we could do about it.  The problem was with our partners and their fear and not anything that we have done.  I think that if I had thought of it that way from the beginning I wouldn't have been bitter for years. 

I will add this though I would advise all of you to contact the one you loved years ago if that is possible and see what they are doing with their life now.  I know in my case that helped put things in perspective and my college lover lost a lot of his "mystique" after I was able to contact him.  There is a sense of closure that I have now and I know that I put my guy on a pedestal far above what he deserved.  Looking back on my situation now I know that Cleo had a way of bringing his troubles on himself including not doing so well in some of his classes.  He was a total dreamer who had no idea of what to do when things got tough.  I almost feel sorry for him now and I blame myself for trying to solve all of our problems both his problems and my problems.  I now know that only he can solve his problems and I am completely out of his life now and he still has more problems than he can handle so this time around he will have to make his own decisions.  I only advised him to stay with his wife until his son graduated from high school but that is the last advice that I am going to give him. :-X

Offline B_dub

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Re: <-- Introduce Yourself -->
« Reply #385 on: August 13, 2006, 06:49:42 pm »
Hi everyone

just found this site... I used to post over on imdb for a while after I saw BBM and then stopped, mostly cause of the trolls. I see this where alot of the folks from over on imdb have come.

so I wanted to say hi to everyone. I live in NC, grew up both in eastern NC and southern PA (parents are divorced). BBM is one of my favorite movies alot of reasons but mostly because I think it seems so real. It's not sentimental or predictable or any of those things. It just seems honest. Alot of movies, even the good ones, sometimes feel give you the feeling that they are lying to you... like they are telling you the story they think you want to hear instead of the one that really is. BBM never felt like that.

anyways, nice to stumble on this site. I am gonna check it out in more detail :-)

B_dub

Offline Front-Ranger

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Re: <-- Introduce Yourself -->
« Reply #386 on: August 13, 2006, 07:00:28 pm »
Welcome B! Want a cuppa coffee, don't ya? Piece of cherry cake! Glad U made yr way over here. Join in! Yeah, BBM is like that. Ruthless, but exquisite.
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Offline dly64

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Re: <-- Introduce Yourself -->
« Reply #387 on: August 13, 2006, 07:04:21 pm »
just found this site... I used to post over on imdb for a while after I saw BBM and then stopped, mostly cause of the trolls. I see this where alot of the folks from over on imdb have come.

B_dub

Welcome! I think you'll like it here. I was a poster on IMDb, too. It got so irritating trying to have good discussions with all of those trolls butting in! You won't find that here. Enjoy!
Diane

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Offline serious crayons

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Re: <-- Introduce Yourself -->
« Reply #388 on: August 13, 2006, 09:57:14 pm »
BBM is one of my favorite movies alot of reasons but mostly because I think it seems so real. It's not sentimental or predictable or any of those things. It just seems honest. Alot of movies, even the good ones, sometimes feel give you the feeling that they are lying to you... like they are telling you the story they think you want to hear instead of the one that really is.

Welcom, B_dub. I think you will find that a lot of people here share your reasons for loving BBM. Have a look around. Lots of good conversations have happened here. I look forward to seeing you join in!

Katherine

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horo35

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Re: <-- Introduce Yourself -->
« Reply #389 on: August 19, 2006, 10:40:13 pm »
Hello to all..again.  Haven't been on here for quite awhile.  I was under horo04 but had to change things cause I forgot my password...but horo35 will do!  It's nice to be back and though I have seen the film many times I am still a fan.   Too make up for my lost time I posted some pics of filming locations for you guys.  BTW what is IMDB?  And I take it these "trolls" are a**holes that hang around IMDB? lol  :D  *Actually I just found the answers in the Chez Trembley archives!*
« Last Edit: August 21, 2006, 12:02:30 am by horo35 »