Author Topic: Gift of Exile - first fanfic  (Read 34750 times)

Marge_Innavera

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Gift of Exile - first fanfic
« on: July 26, 2006, 03:45:26 pm »
This is my first-ever fiction attempt so of course the first fanfic I've attempted.

Only four chapters done so far but it pretty much sets the plot and characters.

Any constructive criticism/suggestions would be welcome!

http://talkstocoyotes.livejournal.com/
« Last Edit: February 15, 2007, 04:05:10 pm by Marge_Innavera »

Offline MaineWriter

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Re: Gift of Exile - first fanfic
« Reply #1 on: July 28, 2006, 08:50:49 am »
Marge,
Thanks for sharing. I like your story.

Can I ask you a question? Int the most recent chapter, n the first part, in the bar, you did not space the dialog the way you did in the second part (the telephone call). Was that intentional? For me, it made it hard to follow, not sure who was doing the talking.

Just wondering...

Leslie
Taming Groomzilla<-- support equality for same-sex marriage in Maine by clicking this link!

Marge_Innavera

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Re: Gift of Exile - first fanfic
« Reply #2 on: July 28, 2006, 09:46:38 am »
Int the most recent chapter, n the first part, in the bar, you did not space the dialog the way you did in the second part (the telephone call). Was that intentional? For me, it made it hard to follow, not sure who was doing the talking.

I'll revisit that part. The phone call was "formatted" differently partly because it was a phone call, and partly because the other character wasn't physically present and won't be in the plot for several more chapters.  In the bar scene, I was trying to convey an impression of Ennis listening to various interactions going on around him.

Was there any specific part of the bar scene where who the speaker was started to get confusing? That would give me something to go on in figuring out a technique to clarify it.

Offline MaineWriter

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Re: Gift of Exile - first fanfic
« Reply #3 on: July 28, 2006, 09:58:29 am »
This paragraph:

"Hardly remember the first time I was ever on a horse. You ever ride?" The three generations of David’s family that had been at the wedding, the suit not secondhand like Ennis’, his ability to casually fly across several states just for a cousin’s wedding; all spoke of a cavernous gap between their backgrounds; so he was irrationally surprised at the affirmative answer. "Oh yeah. Haven’t been on a horse in awhile but I rode a lot growin’ up. My best friend’s parents, they had a place north of Atlanta. Used to spend weekends up there, go up a lot in the summer." He hesitated and then gave Ennis a slow, amused smile as if anticipating the reaction. "Not the kind of saddles y’all use out here, though. I learned on an English saddle, and the way you ride with those is way different."

It took me a few reads to realize it was Ennis speaking in the first sentence.

I did like the feel of the multiple conversations going on and I thought that might be what you were trying to convey. On the other hand, I am a bit of a stickler for punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc. Nothing will turn me off from a story faster than finding it full of errors. (Marge, I am not saying that about yours...just speaking generally, here).  I think there is a fine line between bending a rule for effect and having something come across as just plain wrong. In your case, I thought there might be some bending going on, hence my question if it was intentional.

Leslie
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Offline notBastet

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Re: Gift of Exile - first fanfic
« Reply #4 on: July 29, 2006, 01:12:24 am »
Hi Marge,

Just wanted to chime in and say that I really like your story, too.  Though I know you know that already.  Starting off with the wedding scene seems pretty original (at least to me), and I thought it was fun.  Let's see what else?  I'm a southerner and I've lived in Georgia for two years.  However, I also lived in Wisconsin for four years and thus had lots of friends from Minnesota... So - I was partial to David before I even met him. 
:)

I thought I might get weirded out by the metaphysical stuff you first mentioned when you described the story to me... but so far, I really like it...

Happy writings, looking forward to the next chapter.
“It can be a little distressing to have to overintellectualize yourself” - Heath Ledger

Marge_Innavera

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Re: Gift of Exile - first fanfic
« Reply #5 on: July 29, 2006, 10:38:14 am »
This paragraph:

"Hardly remember the first time I was ever on a horse. You ever ride?" The three generations of David’s family that had been at the wedding, the suit not secondhand like Ennis’, his ability to casually fly across several states just for a cousin’s wedding; all spoke of a cavernous gap between their backgrounds; so he was irrationally surprised at the affirmative answer. "Oh yeah. Haven’t been on a horse in awhile but I rode a lot growin’ up. My best friend’s parents, they had a place north of Atlanta. Used to spend weekends up there, go up a lot in the summer." He hesitated and then gave Ennis a slow, amused smile as if anticipating the reaction. "Not the kind of saddles y’all use out here, though. I learned on an English saddle, and the way you ride with those is way different."

Ah good, that gives me something to go on. As I was visualizing the scene at the bar, it wasn't hard for me to know who was talking, but having a metaphysical subplot doesn't including expecting readers to be telepathic. 

Might have happened, too, because I have a second job transcribing minutes for a local municipality and while I can be creative with verbs like "observed", "confirmed", "remarked", etc. I do have to put in constant modifiers to make it clear who in the meeting is speaking. In that kind of writing, they want a certain amount of style but that has to take a back seat to straight reporting. Maybe in the bar scene there was a subconscious "yee-hah! I don't have to write this up like a meeting!" going on.  ;D


mvansand76

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Re: Gift of Exile - first fanfic
« Reply #6 on: July 31, 2006, 10:27:17 am »
Hiya! I liked the first four chapters, how much time do you spend on writing?

Marge_Innavera

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Re: Gift of Exile - first fanfic
« Reply #7 on: July 31, 2006, 10:46:36 am »
I do a lot of business writing, specifically minutes for a City entity and that plus a full-time job eat up a lot of time.  Actually, some of my writing is in longhand initially as I get ideas and then typed up on breaks as a draft.  Several years ago, I wrote for a weekly newspaper doing feature writing and local music coverage.

Am still feeling my way in fiction writing, and that includes trying different ways of putting together scenes and chapters to see what works best. The first two chapters of this story went quickly; the next two much slower going because of introducing a new character. So far, what's happened is that I get enough drafts written to put together a chapter and then sit down and type it out all at once.  That can be a lunch break at work, or it can be 6:00 in the morning.  :)

Thanks so much for reading and commenting! I hope to have at least one more chapter up by the end of the week.

Offline notBastet

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Re: Gift of Exile - first fanfic
« Reply #8 on: July 31, 2006, 10:34:23 pm »
A chapter by the end of the week... cool!
 :)
“It can be a little distressing to have to overintellectualize yourself” - Heath Ledger

Marge_Innavera

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Re: Gift of Exile - first fanfic
« Reply #9 on: August 08, 2006, 12:49:00 pm »
I have Chapter 5 finished, but want to get Chapter 6 ready and post them both at the same time. Chapter 6 is another Jack-centered part.


And this doesn't relate to my fanfic, but I don't know where else to post it --

Does anyone know what's going on with "Widower For a Year" over at LiveJournal? It looks like the author is starting to wind up the story but the last chapter was posted two months ago, on June 1st. This story is wonderfully done, and I'd hate to think he wasn't able to finish it after getting this far.