Good suggestions, Lee.
I have no advice, A, but I have gone through a very similar situation. Mine involves a friend of 45 years, throughout most of which I considered her my best friend. We shared an apartment for a while in college. We were each other's sole maids of honor (there were no other bridesmaids) at our low-key weddings. We went to Italy together twice, once in a group and once just the two of us. We have years worth of in-jokes and other references. She lives pretty far from me (on the other end of the metro area) so I have stayed overnight at her house many times to avoid driving home late.
This woman is prone to suddenly and unilaterally cutting off old friends for a few years. She grew up next to twin sisters who are also in our high-school social circle, and she went for a few years hating one, and then got over that and hated the other, without ever having talked to either of them about her anger but apparently eventually getting over it.
A couple of years ago she became distant to me in much the way your friend has been, A. Finally I asked about it in an email. "Is everything OK?" She replied with a lie, saying nowadays she preferred to just stay home and do crafts rather than socialize. "I've changed ... I hope you can accept this." She allowed that we could have lunch occasionally "as weather permits." It was June.
Finally that fall she confessed that she'd been mad at me ever since the last time I'd stayed over a year earlier. Apparently we'd argued, and she said I was so harsh and condescending she was afraid to say anything. I remember pretty much every detail of that night -- I'd even know how to play fantasy football now if I'd been able to follow her husband's explanation at the time -- but somehow I don't remember any argument. She said it was about -- get this -- nature vs. nurture.
I was really surprised we'd argued at all. I do argue with some friends, but with her I basically agree on most things and haven't harbored any great ill will about anything. That last time I stayed over, we hung around her house until almost noon the next day and everything was perfectly pleasant. But once she told me about the big nature vs. nurture argument I realized that was the last time we'd hung out.
I told her I do have strong opinions on that subject but if I argued with her about them I would also argue with 99% of the population because most people don't share my views (for a sample, see my long comment on a video Clarissa posted on FB just yesterday). So it's possible I did come on too strong. But meanwhile I was hurt and angry that she'd never said anything at the time (so I could apologize) or since. And that even when I asked her outright she lied.
I just let it go and we moved past it and restored our basic friendship, possibly with a little more distance. Then early this year she sent out a group email telling me and our mutual friends that she had quit drinking and joined AA.
So, fine! My ex-husband is also in AA and I see him all the time, so it's not a huge social barrier as far as I'm concerned. Nor did it seem to be for my friend. She rarely attended parties hosted by our mutual friends because she doesn't like driving that far at night. But she did attend a few early gatherings and just didn't drink. She seemed healthy and happy, so I was glad for her. We IMed on FB fairly often, always in a very friendly way. She suggested we have lunch soon.
Until a couple of weeks ago I've been busy getting my house all fixed up to sell. But finally everything was done, so I suggested we finally schedule that lunch. Here's what she replied:
"I am sorry, but I am not in a strong enough emotional state to have lunch with you. Thank you for asking. ... I should explain what I mean by that. I feel bullied by you. You've publicly shamed my grammar on FB, you screamed at me at Lisa's party, and when I saw you in December, you mocked me again with that screeching mean voice. You seem to have a lot of unhappiness and anger, and you're toxic for me. I have to protect my sobriety, and the resentment and anger I feel towards you is unhealthy. I prayed about this for two hours, then went out and did hard yard work for an hour to let go of my anxiety. I think we should cut our ties."
i was flabbergasted. I don't remember even being angry at her for anything, let alone screaming or screeching. I asked what I'd screamed at her about, what I'd mocked her for, etc., but got no reply. She's right that I do have some unhappiness and anger but they're more about my job, finances and things like that -- I've never felt any ill will toward her. So it was completely baffling. But all I got back wss radio silence.
I contacted a mutual friend who'd been at the December event to ask if she remembered me mocking anyone in my screeching mean voice. She vehemently assured me that I hadn't. We discussed reasons our friend might have acted that way toward me. We came up with a few possibilities but none really adequately explained that bizarre reaction.
I looked up an IM conversation my ex-friend and I had THE DAY AFTER THE DECEMBER EVENT. It's very friendly -- we made jokes, LOLed, complimented each other, etc. It was a perfectly nice conversation! No sign of resentment about my supposed screeching.
So that's the story so far. I think this has been done before, but I'd like to see a book collecting different people's stories about the odd or terrible endings of friendships in their lives.
Sorry to go on so long when the topic was your friendship. But at least you know others in the same boat.
