Kerry's Komedy Klub

[ifyoucantfixit]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience.  She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion.  It gallops along at  a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.  She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway.  The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.


   
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune... Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

And you thought all they did was say Hello.

Wow;;;;;;;;  I laughed hard at that one...

[Mandy21]

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll drive his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also, as part of your job description, have to satisfy her sexual urges. The daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."


The guy in wide-eyed amazement said, "You're bullshittin' me!"


The social worker said: "Yeah, well ... You started it".

[Mandy21]

Shampoo Warning
I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!!!!!

I use shampoo in the shower.  When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and ... printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning: "FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."
No wonder I have been gaining weight!!!

Well, I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead.  Its label reads:  "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

Problem solved!

If I don't answer the phone,
I'll be in the shower!

[isabelle]

Shampoo Warning
I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!!!!!

I use shampoo in the shower.  When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and ... printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning: "FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."
No wonder I have been gaining weight!!!

Well, I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead.  Its label reads:  "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

Problem solved!

If I don't answer the phone,
I'll be in the shower!

LOL Mandy ! And thanks for the tip !

[isabelle]

The attached picture was in the display window of a Bakery (boulangerie , as we say in France) on Valentine's Day - the owner had a warning because his bakery is situated within less than 500 yards of a school , and any "pornography" is forbidden near a place of education (what about sex education , I wonder ! )

[Mandy21]

In honor of International Women's Day:

Medical Info Women Should Know
Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women
PREGNANCY Q & A & more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.


10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cell phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving?".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.


TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND:
 
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN

[Katie77]

Good one Mandy...

Heres one I got in an email today....its not funny, but its clever.....

WHEN THE GUY ON THE SCREEN STOPS RUNNING, PLACE YOUR CURSOR ABOUT 1/2 INCH
ABOVE HIS HEAD....... WEIRD....

http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com/pakken.html

[brianr]

Be careful with this. I lost my cursor from the screen for a time.

[Jeff Wrangler]

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Somebody should tell the Duggars. ... 

[ifyoucantfixit]

          That cursor thing is really cute.