Kerry's Komedy Klub

[Sason]

^^^^^^^^^^

LOL, that's so funny!!   


*steals it*

[Katie77]

Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days.

 He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked, 'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'

His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth.. 'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse.’

Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids..

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse.

It's called Bunk Beds.  And Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you.'
 
 
 
 

 

[Katie77]

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
 
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
 
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
 
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
 
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
 
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
 
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
 
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
 
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
 
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood'

[Mandy21]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience.  She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion.  It gallops along at  a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.  She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway.  The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune... Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

And you thought all they did was say Hello.

[ifyoucantfixit]

         Think about tomorrow, but it drifts away.
Talk about forever, but we've only got today.
Days go by...

  - Keith Urban

      I have that song. and the whole album.  I love Keith Urban.  Probably my favorite country singer.          
              The words to his songs are wonderful.  He is great.

[Mandy21]

              I have that song. and the whole album.  I love Keith Urban.  Probably my favorite country singer.          
              The words to his songs are wonderful.  He is great.

Hiya, Janice!  Me too, on all counts.  I have the "Love, Pain, and the Whole Crazy World Tour" DVD, which was filmed in Atlanta a few years ago.  Anytime I need a pick-me-up, there he is.  I would highly recommend that DVD if you love him as much as I do.  I think I've watched it almost as many times as Brokeback. 

[Mandy21]

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug.

Do you want a bed near the window?"

[Katie77]

Its Australia Day tomorrow......Here is an account of a great Aussie tradition.....The Aussie Bar B Q....



AS MANY of us will be gathering around the barbecue with friends on Australia Day, I thought it was timely to remind all of the essential male barbecue rules.
 
These were set down many years ago by the Aussie Barbecue Cooks Association and are now considered sacred.
 
(1) The woman buys the food.
 
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables and makes dessert.
 
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
 
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory 3m exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman. (Here is the important part.)
 
(5) The man places the meat on the grill.
 
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
 
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.
 
( The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
 
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.
 
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. (And most important of all...)
 
(11) Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
 
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off ' and upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!
 
NOTE: No other male must approach the barbecue plate while the owner is cooking, they can look, admire, but not touch, prick or turn the meat.
 
Above all they must never say "I think it is cooked now", even if the meat is on fire and charcoal-black.
 
Thank you, ladies, for understanding that the barbecue is the one place where we really do believe we are in complete control.
 
 

[Mandy21]

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.  Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
 
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.  And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absent-mindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
 

[ifyoucantfixit]

Its Australia Day tomorrow......Here is an account of a great Aussie tradition.....The Aussie Bar B Q....



AS MANY of us will be gathering around the barbecue with friends on Australia Day, I thought it was timely to remind all of the essential male barbecue rules.
 
These were set down many years ago by the Aussie Barbecue Cooks Association and are now considered sacred.
 
(1) The woman buys the food.

  Boy oh boy,, do I recognize that picture.  My husband and my own dad..  Hysterical
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables and makes dessert.
 
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
 
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory 3m exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman. (Here is the important part.)
 
(5) The man places the meat on the grill.
 
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
 
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.
 
( The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
 
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.
 
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. (And most important of all...)
 
(11) Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
 
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off ' and upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!
 
NOTE: No other male must approach the barbecue plate while the owner is cooking, they can look, admire, but not touch, prick or turn the meat.
 
Above all they must never say "I think it is cooked now", even if the meat is on fire and charcoal-black.
 
Thank you, ladies, for understanding that the barbecue is the one place where we really do believe we are in complete control.