I Love Funny Country Songs!!

[Jeff Wrangler]

define 'need'

 

Ain't the same thing as "want." 

[injest]

Ain't the same thing as "want." 

dang it









durn tease

[Jeff Wrangler]

Jess, you better make sure your spies got plenty of film. Eric ain't the only cutie's goin' a be there. There's EDelmar for one, southendmd for another.

And I ain't no tease. I might be blind as a bat, but I ain't so blind I can't read tiny type.     

[injest]

Jess, you better make sure your spies got plenty of film. Eric ain't the only cutie's goin' a be there. There's EDelmar for one, southendmd for another.

And I ain't no tease. I might be blind as a bat, but I ain't so blind I can't read tiny type.     

ROTF!!

[injest]

Loretta Lynn
Ones On The Way


They say to have her hair done, Liz flies all the way to France
And Jackie's seen in a Discoteque doin' a brand new dance
And the White House social season should be glitterin' in gay

But here in Topeka the rain is a fallin'
The faucet is a drippin' and the kids are a bawlin'
One of 'em a toddlin' and one is a crawlin'
And one's on the way

I'm glad Raquel Welch just signed a million dollar pact
And Debbie's out in Vegas workin' up a brand new act
While the t.v.'s showin' newly weds, a real fun game to play

But here in Topeka, the screen door's a bangin'
The coffee's boilin' over and the wash needs a hangin'
One wants a cookie and one wants a changin'
And one's on the way

Now what was I doin'? Jimmy get away from there
Darn, there goes the phone
Hello honey, what's that you say?
You're bringin' a few old army buddies home?
You're callin' from a bar?

Get away from there! No, not you honey
I was talkin' to the baby
Wait a minute, honey, the door bell
Honey, could you stop at the market and...hello?, hello?
Well, I'll be...

The girls in New York City, they all march for women's lib
And better homes and garden shows, the modern way to live
And the pill may change the world tomorrow, but meanwhile, today

Here in Topeka, the flies are a buzzin'
The dog is a barkin' and the floor needs a scrubbin'
One needs a spankin' and one needs a huggin'
Lord, one's on the way

Oh gee, I hope it ain't twins, again!

Hard to imagine her world isn't it, Young Ladies??

I remember they wouldn't play this song on the radio for a long time because it mentions the Pill.


 

[injest]

The Ballad of The Blue Cyclone

Well the wife went out of town 'bout a year or so back
And left me at home by myself to bach
And after five straight nights of TV I was ready to scream.
So I called up this beer drinkin' buddy of mine
I said, "Bill, I ain't havin' a real good time."
He said, "Why don't we go to the rasslin' matches and let off
a little steam?"

The main event was the Spider from parts unknown
With his trusty partner, the Blue Cyclone.
They was takin' on a team that never had been beat.
Now I'd never seen the matches before
And the crowd was backed up plumb out the door,
But me an' ol' Bill lucked out and got ringside seats.

Well then they rang the bell and all Hell broke loose
My legs was shakin' like a rubber goose
I'd never seen anything like this, not even in the war!
The Cyclone put the Vulture in an airplane spin
Then he body slammed him, and he did it again
I swear I didn't see how that old boy could take much more.

There was a lady next to me if she was a day she was eighty three
but she could cuss better than any sailor I ever HEARD:
in the second row up jumped a man
had a pocket knife in his hand and he hollered
"Let me in there! I'll mop up the floor!"
His wife reached up and grabbed his sleeve
and he sat down with a sigh of relief and he never did say no more!

It was right about then in the thick of things
My buddy Bill threw a chair in the ring
And that's when I knew we'd better be headin' for the door.
'Cause I saw the Cyclone lookin' at us
And he was rubbin' his head and he started to cuss
And I knew if he caught us he'd break Bill's neck for sure.

Well, where we parked wasn't too far
And Bill ran so fast he beat me to the car,
Locked the doors and wasn't about to let anybody in.
And I turned around and the Cyclone was there
And he said, "Hey buddy, you forgot your chair!"
And by the look in his eyes, I knew that this was the end.

So I hollered out "Watch it, pal, I know karate and Jujitsu!"
Well that is when I knew I had made a BIG mistake
cause he body slammed me two or three times
And he put his arms around me from behind
Then he pile drived me right there in the hard concrete.
Broke both my arms and three of my ribs
It's the closest I've ever come to being killed
And that's the last thing I remember 'fore he put me to sleep

but I'll tell you one thing from now on
I'm watching the rasslin matches at home
sitting in a chair in front of my OWN TV
and if the wife and kids ever leave again
I'm staying away from all my friends
cause the only friend I can trust is ME!

[delalluvia]

and the kids are a ballin'

Damn horny kids!!!   

[ifyoucantfixit]

The Mississippi Squirrel Revival

Well, when I was a kid I'd take a trip every summer down the Mississippi
To visit my granny in her antebellum world
I'd run barefooted all day long, climbin' trees free as a song
And one day I happened to catch myself a squirrel.
Well, I stuffed him down in an old shoe box, punched a couple of holes in the top
And when Sunday came I snuck him into church.

I was sittin' way back in the very last pew showin' him to my good buddy Hugh
when that squirrel got loose and went totally berserk.
Well, what happened next is hard to tell
Some thought it was heaven others thought it was hell
But the fact that Something was among us was plain to see.

As the choir sang "I Surrender All" the squirrel ran up Harv Newlan's coveralls
Harv leaped to his feet and said, "Somethin's got a hold on me", Yeow!

Chorus

    The day the squirrel went berserk
    In the First Self-Righteous Church
    In the sleepy little town of Pascagoula
    It was a fight for survival that broke out in revival
    They were jumpin' pews and shoutin' Hallelujah!

Well, Harv hit the aisles dancin' and screamin'
Some thought he had Religion, others thought he had a demon
And Harv thought he had a weedeater loose in his Fruit-Of-The-Looms
He fell to his knees to plead and beg and the squirrel ran out of his britches leg
Unobserved to the other side of the room.

All the way down in the Amen Pew sat Sister Bertha Better-Than-You
Who'd been watchin' all the commotion with sadistic glee.
But you should've seen the look in her eyes
When that squirrel jumped her garters and crossed her thighs.
She jumped to her feet and said "Lord have mercy on me!"

As the squirrel made laps inside her dress
She began to cry and then to confess to sins that would make a sailor blush with shame.
She told of gossip and church dissension but the thing that got the most attention
Was when she talked about her love life and then she started naming names!

Chorus

    The day the squirrel went berserk
    In the First Self-Righteous Church
    In that sleepy little town of Pascagoula
    It was a fight for survival that broke out in revival
    They were jumpin' pews and shoutin' Hallelujah!

Well, seven deacons and the pastor got Saved,
Twenty-five thousand dollars was raised and fifty volunteered
For missions in the Congo on the spot.
Even without an invitation there were at least five hundred Rededications
And we all got rebaptized whether we needed it or not.

Now you've heard the bible story, I guess
How He parted the waters for Moses to pass.
Oh, the miracles God has wrought in this old world
But the one I'll remember 'til my dyin' day
Is how he put that church back on the narrow way
With a half crazed Mississippi squirrel.

Chorus

    The day the squirrel went berserk
    In the First Self-Righteous Church
    In the sleepy little town of Pascagoula
    It was a fight for survival that broke out in revival
    They was jumpin' pews and shoutin' Hallelujah!

I love this whole album, including the squirrel ,, the Knights of the mystic lodge, and others as well,, great fun,,,good jim stafford

[Front-Ranger]

dang it









durn tease

Yes, Dang Me by Roger Miller, that's a funny country song, that appears in the script for Brokeback Mountain!

[Shasta542]

I'd Like To Check You For Ticks
by Brad Paisley

Every time you take a sip
In this smoky atmosphere
You press that bottle to your lips
And I wish I was your beer
In the small there of your back
Your jeans are playing peekaboo
I'd like to see the other half of your butterfly tattoo.

Hey that gives me an idea
Let's get out of this bar
Drive out into the country
And find a place to park.

'Cause I'd like to see you out in the moonlight
I'd like to kiss you way back in the sticks
I'd like to walk you through a field of wildflowers
And I'd like to check you for ticks.

I know the perfect little path
Out in these woods I used to hunt
Don't worry babe I've got your back
And I've also got your front
Now, I'd hate to waste a night like this


I'll keep you safe you wait and see
The only thing allowed to crawl all over you when we get there is me.

You know every guy in here tonight
Would like to take you home
But I've got way more class than them
Babe that ain't what I want.

'Cause I'd like to see you out in the moonlight
I'd like to kiss you way back in the sticks
I'd like to walk you through a field of wildflowers
And I'd like to check you for ticks.

You never know where one might be
There's lots of places that are hard to reach
I gotcha.

I'd like to see you out in the moonlight
I'd like to kiss you baby way back in the sticks
I'd like to walk you through a field of wildflowers
And I'd like to check you for ticks.

I'd sure like to check you for ticks...


Well--there's a new pick up line for ya!!