Brokeback Mountain: Our Community's Common Bond > The Lighter Side
Have you heard a good one lately?
Katie77:
True Aussie Humour!!
"Hello, is this the police?"
"Yes it is. How can we help you?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call."
Early next morning, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers. They search the house and then go out to the shed where the
firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine. They swear at Wazza and leave.
The phone rings at Wazza's house.
"Hey, Wazz, Did the cops come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop up your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday maaaaaaate!"
Katie77:
Where do pets come from?
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, " I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a s**t one way or the other.
dot-matrix:
Gotta Love Senior Citizens.
The following is why older people crack me up. They can get away with pretty much anything- from being rude to driving slow on Sunday mornings. I swear- I can’t tell you how many times I have wanted to put answers like his on job applications. Wonder what would happen if I did?
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen
submitted to Walmart in Arkansas. They hired him because he was so funny…..
NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice resident. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a
more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would
be “Do you have a car that runs?”
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be
a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde
supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE….7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
injest:
A man was out hunting and shot a young bear. He felt a tap on his shoulder and it was a big ol brown bear. ..."Now you got a choice....I can maul you or have sex" He thought he'd best bend over....
well it took a couple of weeks but he finally got up his courage to go out and find that brown bear and he killed it!
felt a tap on his shoulder....he turned around and there was a huge grizzly. He got the same options and made the same choice.
he stayed home for a month or two before his anger sent him back into the woods...he found the grizzly and killed it....
felt a tap on his shoulder. It was a polar bear....the polar bear shook his head and said "admit it man...you aren't coming out here for the hunting!!"
injest:
A cowboy went into a bar. To his surprise he saw a horse in the back of the bar with a bucket full of money sitting in front of him. The cowboy asked the bartender "what is up with the horse"
The bartender told him it was a bet. Anyone that could make the horse laugh could have the money.
The cowboy went back...whispered in the horses ear and the horse fell over laughing....the cowboy picked up the bucket and left.
a year later he came back and the horse was there again....with an even BIGGER bucket of money. He took out his money and started toward the horse when the bartender stopped him...."we changed it up some there! NOW you have to make the horse cry!"
so the cowboy went back there and in no time the horse was sobbing as if his heart was broken. The cowboy picked up the bucket and started out the door.
"Wait!" said the bartender "I have to know....how did you make that horse laugh last year??"
The cowboy said "Simple...I told him I had a bigger c*** than him"
"well how did you make him cry?"
"I showed him!"
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