Kerry's Komedy Klub

[Katie77]

One  day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands

from those who could use the  word 'beautiful' in the same sentence  twice. 
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with,

'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.' 
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little MARK. 
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father she was pregnant,

and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!''

[Katie77]

Little  MARK returns from school and says he got an F in  arithmetic
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies MARK.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the fucking difference?' asks the father 
'That's what I said!'

[Katie77]

OH, pleeeeeease Fiona......dont show the kids this one.......

[Kerry]

[Kerry]

[Katie77]

[Katie77]

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE
>
>   AND THINKING, "SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD!" WELL... YOU'LL LOVE THIS
ONE!
>
>
>
>   I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW
>
>   DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
>
>
>
>   SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME
>
>
>
>   NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE
>
>   BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
>
>
>
>   UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
>
>
>
>   THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO
>
>   OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM
>
>
>
>   IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.
>
>
>
>   "YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
>
>
>
>   "WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.
>
>
>
>   HE ANSWERED, "IN 1959 . WHY DO YOU ASK?"
>
>
>
>   "YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.
>
>    HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
>
>
>
>   THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, WRINKLED, BALD, FAT, GRAY, DECREPIT
>
>   SON-OF-A-GUN  ASKED, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"
>
>

[oilgun]

It's funny, I thought I had posted this already..

[Katie77]

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.  It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.  Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.  She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said: 'Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off.'

“Could you jack off?' she says, 'I feel like crap.'

[Kerry]