Kerry's Komedy Klub

[Kerry]

[Kerry]

[Kerry]

[Kerry]

[Katie77]

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
 
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
 
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and bega n putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
 
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
 
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
 
Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
 
"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

 

[dot-matrix]

An elderly couple named Sam and Helen are vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots and seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them back to the hotel, walking proudly. He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Helen?"

Helen looks him over, "Nope."

Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Helen, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"

Helen looks again and again says, "Nope."

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?"

Helen looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, HELEN? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"

To which Helen replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam, shoulda bought a hat."

[dot-matrix]

Fatal Mistake

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. "That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’"

[Katie77]

Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'

Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.

'Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more.'
After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.

Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?'

Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No dis'll neva do.'

 The water was only up to his chest.

 So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.

'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'

'Aye it 'tis, hand me da shovel.'

[Katie77]

Six presidents were on a sinking boat........

Ford says, "What do we do?"

Bush says, "Man the lifeboats"

Reagan says, "What lifeboats?"

Carter says, "Women first"

Nixon says, "Screw the women"

Clinton says, "You think we have time?"

[Kerry]

As reported at Yahoo!7 News, Thursday 27 March 2008:

http://au.news.yahoo.com/080327/23/16a0p.html?f=mv

New Zealand Man Claims Rape by Aussie Wombat

A New Zealand man has been sentenced to 75 hours community service for telling police he was being raped by a wombat.

Arthur Ross Cradock of Motueka rang police to ask for help on February 11, The Nelson Mail reported.

In a later call to police, Cradock retracted the wombat rape complaint, but said the incident had left him with an Australian accent.

"Apart from speaking Australian now, I'm pretty all right you know," Mr Cradock told an emergency operator.

In court, Cradock pleaded guilty to 'using a phone for fictitious purpose', the newspaper said.

Police prosecutor Sergeant Chris Stringer told the court alcohol played a part in Cradock's life, but the defendant's lawyer denied it was a problem on the day of the phone calls.

In sentencing, Judge Richard Russell said he was not sure what motivated Cradock to make such statements and warned him not to do it again.