Kerry's Komedy Klub

[Katie77]

[Katie77]

Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven Sir

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven!

Teacher: Where the hell do you get seven from?

Johnny: Because I f***king have 1 at home.
 
 
 
 

 


 

 

[Katie77]

Lawyer with a heart

 One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he
 saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

 Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to
 investigate.

 He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'

 'We don't have any money for food,' the poor
 man replied.     'We have to eat grass.'

 'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and
 I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.

 'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They
 are over there, under that tree.'

 'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.

 Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with
 us, also.'

 The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But
 sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'

 'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered

 They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for
 a car as large as the limousine was.

 Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer
 and said, 'Sir, you are too kind.'

 'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

 The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it.

 'You'll really love my place.

 'The grass is almost a foot high'
 

 
 
 
 

 
 

[Katie77]

Will I Live to see 80 ?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 60.)
A little concerned about that comment,
I couldn't resist asking him,
 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked,
'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'Not much...
my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun,
like playing golf,
sailing,
hiking,
or
bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked,
'Do you gamble,
drive fast cars,
or
have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.   
 He looked at me and said,...
'Then, why do you even give a shit ?

 

[Kerry]

[Kerry]

[Katie77]

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder. She hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady,why don't you eat the peanuts yourself? "We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?" The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
 

[Kerry]

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder. She hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady,why don't you eat the peanuts yourself? "We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?" The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

  Hilarious! I forwarded this one on, for sure. With retirement looming, I imagine it'll soon be me on that bus! 

[Katie77]

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago..

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

 

[Zander]

 Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon
  be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi
  Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It
  will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a
  stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft
  drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of
  'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good
  old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
 
 
  Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name
  of: MOUNT & DO.
 
 
  Thought for the day: There is more money being
  spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on
  Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there
  should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and
  huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do
  with them.