This is thanks to Daphne and Susie. I was nostalgically reading over old threads on IMDB following our mass exodus. And I came upon Daphne's beautiful “Private Moments” thread, and Susie's response, the last before a string of 'deletes'. The idea of 'Private Moments' is... what do we wish they had each been able to see the other do, and what do we wish could have happened. Susie said: “I wish Ennis had swiveled around and held Jack face to face”.
And... I feel out of practice and rusty...
It always tugged at Jack's heart when Ennis left. He knew it was just for the night, and that they couldn't leave them damn sheep alone on the mountain with the coyotes, more greedy than ever now that fall was approaching. Still, every time Jack watched Ennis ride off in the dusk on Cigar Butt, that little edge of fear twisted inside him... thinkin', what if this is the night Ennis changes his mind? What if somethin' happens to him up there and he don't come back down at all? Foolish thoughts, and Jack tried to keep on top a them ... still, always hard ta see Ennis leavin', even just for the night.
This night in August was different. Tired from a full day of wrasslin' those woolies around, not to mention wrasslin' with his man, Jack felt every muscle in his body relax as he stared dreaming at the fire. He breathed in smoke an' mountain air and felt his eyes close to the sounds of Ennis gatherin' up stuff preparin' to go. This night, didn't even feel bad that Ennis was goin. He'd be on the same mountain, after all. Brokeback joined them, Jack thought, half dozing. Never really apart, both a them on Brokeback. Jack stood, sleepin' on his feet like a horse, feeling that whole mountain as part of his body and his heart. Ennis wasn't really leavin', even when he rode off.
Eyes still closed, Jack felt strong arms come around him from behind, like to confirm his thoughts. He felt Ennis's breath on his shoulder and humming his ear. He felt Ennis rock him and whisper a bit, leaned against the steady heartbeat, felt the lonely place inside him filled for good. Never really apart, he thought again, thinkin' he'd say the words out loud but next second forgetting to. Felt like Ennis heard him in any case.
Ennis mumbled 'gotta go', his hand clutching Jack's coat one final time as if not wantin' to pull away. He turned slightly, looked at Jack's face in the dozy firelight, and all his resolve was gone. Facing Jack, seeing Jack's blue eyes open sleepily and search his face, Ennis pulled him close again, face to face this time, feeling Jack's arms close around him, too, and next second, Jack's slightly parted lips warm against his own. Never really apart, Ennis thought, feelin' like the mountain could stretch out into all of time and space an' keep on being home.
