Hi everyone. Nipith here. (pronounced Nip-pith). 34, gay male. My grandparents are all Chinese, but I was born in Thailand. Lived there until 10, when my older brother and I were sent to live with my uncle and aunt in Marietta, Georgia. It was tough for us and my parents to part, but they felt we'd have better education and opportunities this way. Moved to Seattle, Washington for 8th and 9th grade. Finally reunited with my mom and dad and younger brother in California for the rest of my high school years. Went to college at UCLA, then art school at Otis. So I've lived in the greater LA area for over 15 years.
I hadn't really heard much about BBM, when I went to see the movie. I remember reading a short blurb about how Heath nearly broke Jake's nose while shooting the kissing scene in Ang Lee's new movie. At the time, they both were just fairly unknown actors, so I just figured they were minor gay characters in the movie. When it opened here in LA. I went with my brother and cousin, both of whom are also gay. Boy! We had no idea what we were walking into. By this point we knew it was a gay love story about cowboys, but had no idea how powerful it would be. Through the film, I just let the story flow over me. Leaving the theater I had a pit in my stomach. My reaction was very much the delayed reaction that many have described. I was stunned and just couldn't process much of what I'd seen. The images, words and emotions would just weave in and out of my mind. The pit in my stomach would grow to the size of a medicine ball through the night. The physical pain along with my restless mind kept me up that night, and most of the next night. I went to see it again the following day with some friends. Several days after my first viewing was when it all hit me. I woke up crying, violently. I was convulsing and couldn't control my body at all. Drooling and snot dripping in bed, and unable to even reach for kleenex. I just laid there feeling every bit of the emotions. It scared me. I am a very even keeled person, not prone to extreme emotions. But at the end of it, I felt catharsis. It felt good and cleansing.
I have seen the movie 14 times now. With each viewing, I've been able to unravel the mess of emotions that hit me. I finally figured out that it wasn't one emotion, but a bunch of things, so urgent that they hit me at once. Along with just grieving for the men and women and for the story, the movie broke the surface and some repressed issues bubbled up. With the honesty of this beautiful film, I just couldn't hide any more. The only way to tribute the purity and love in the film and in Ennis and Jack was to confront my own demons. I think Phil said it perfectrly. " there was a way out of this emotional hell and that would be to finish the story in a positive way in my own life." I came to that same epiphany as I laid there crying like I hadn't done since I was a toddler.
Ennis took me back to the most painful years of my life. All the emotions that I thought I'd left behind came rushing back, and boxed me in the ears. When I was 19, I was Ennis. That quiet taciturn exterior, that paranoia, fear, self-loathing, was all me. People thought I was just being the stoic Chinese, but no, I was just repressing. I couldn't let anyone really connect with me, less they figure it out. Dam! It hurt to remember how much I hated myself. I understood exactly why Ennis couldn't be with Jack. Like him, I couldn't see beyond my own pain. I couldn't image a life where I could be happy. There was nothing around me that gave any indication that it was possible. There was only enduring. It also made me realize that I hadn't really moved on. I had only repressed them. I never really grieved properly for my lost life, for those people that I couldn't connect with, for those friendships lost because I wasn't open emotionally. This film made me stop and reflect and to say goodbye to those parts of my past.