Wow, I feel like I've come home! When I finally decided to check this site out after seeing it mentioned on the IMDB Brokeback forum and started reading the posts in this thread I was spellbound! What openness, honesty, and dare I say it, "maturity!" Let's see, where do I start? With the basics I guess.
I'm a 60-year old straight female from the DC area where I've lived since I was 9. I was only 27 a few weeks ago and have no idea what happened in those three weeks to get me from 27 to 60, but it sure must have been a lot!
I live alone in an RV with my five cats and am currently on disability due to a second bout of breast cancer and heart failure due to damage from chemo. I'm also a doctoral student at an online university (fully accredited and academically rigorous) and am just beginning my dissertation, having completed my coursework and passed my comprehensive exam. My dissertation topic relates strongly to BBM, but I'll get to that in a minute.
I also found out about a year ago that I had adult attention deficit disorder (ADD), which has been the bane of my existence for most of my life. I excel in some areas while am abysmal in others. I can't take medication for it because of my heart condition. I don't think, but I also haven't pursued that avenue much. Now that I think about it, being ADD is probably a lot like being gay--it's something that just "is" that few people understand. Therefore they criticize and ridicule you out of false assumptions and ignorance. But at least I've not heard of hate crimes against ADD or ADHD folks who consider these conditions an "assault" against their belief systems.
I spend 90% of my time alone, although I'm an extravert and always have been. Reading your posts has helped me realize how frightened I've become and how hard it is to manage that all by myself. Being on disability, I have just enough money to survive and little more. I had to give up my therapist who was one person I could talk to. But that also provides a good excuse to stay hidden away, doesn't it?
I saw Brokeback Mountain for the first time a month or so ago, shortly after it came out on DVD. While it didn't hit me like an emotional canon as others have described, another movie did nine years ago, in pretty much an indentical way to that described by BBM fans. My reaction to that movie was the impetus to return to school and pursue my doctorate--not for the degree but because it provided an opportunity to do the research I wanted to.
After climbing out of the emotional vortex sufficiently, I became consumed with the desire to understand HOW a movie had that kind of power--that kind of capacity to move people so intensely. I found out on boards devoted to it that I was not alone. The kinds of reactions people are describing for BBM are virtually identical to the reactions people described then. I needed to then and still need to understand how and why.
After I graduate, my plan is to do a brain mapping study to find out what goes on in people's brains during a "narrative experience." Oddly, no one else had done research even remotely similar. It's hard to imagine no one has been moved to try and figure this out but they haven't. My dissertation research is a step toward the post-doc research I really want to do.
While I thought BBM was a superlative movie by every standard I could imagine, I just didn't have the intense emotional response others have. I'm not sure why. If I had to guess, I'd say it's because I've closed down so much emotionally that it couldn't get past my defenses. Another explanation is that one only has "one true love" and that my movie love was that previous one. But just typing that it sounds like a romanticized rationalization. (Don't I sound emotionally withdrawn--especially compared to other posters? I do to myself!)
Anyway, I'll be grateful for your support--both personally and related to my research. I'm so glad I decided to check this board out!