Kerry's Komedy Klub

[Mandy21]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and
would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and
a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a
couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he
now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady
who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603
Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to
that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the
bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and
carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll
be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely
widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in
the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and
have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady!  I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of
paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold
you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put
the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens...'

[Sason]

Isn't that Buster Keaton?

[Kerry]

[Kerry]

Isn't that Buster Keaton?

He does look like Buster Keaton, but I suspect it may be a genuine photo from the early 1900s, like this one . . . .

Might be necessary to scroll over to see the full image --->

[CellarDweller]

I get freaked out just looking at that picture.

I can't imagine having a job like that.   I'd never make it.

[Katie77]

THREE DOGS AT THE VET    ________________________________Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The Yellow Labrador turned to the Black Labrador and said, " So why are you here ? "  The Black Lab replied, " I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was lastnight when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."  The Yellow Lab said, " So what’s the vet going to do ? "  " Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the Black Lab."They reckon it'll calm me down."

 The Black Lab then asked the Yellow Lab " why are you here ? "  The Yellow Lab said, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."  " So what are they going to do to you ? " the Black Lab inquired.  " Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Yellow Lab said.

 The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, " Why are you here ? "  " I'm a humper,"  said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll humpthe cat, apillow, the table, fence posts, whatever.  I want to hump everything I see." "Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down todry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back andstarted hammering away."  The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said," So, it's nuts off for you too, huh ?"  The Great Dane said, " No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped ! " ________________________________

[Katie77]

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow.
 
Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads... He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.
Anyway... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads," begs her. "I'm hacked off being so visible to predators. The stress is like, killing me, you know?"
"Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes:
"Abracapokus! You're brown!"
The toad looks down and sees that he is brown ! Except..... for his weenie, which is still yellow.
 
"Hang about lady," he says to the fairy godmother, "My pecker's still yellow!"
"Yeah, well I don't do weenies," she says, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that.." So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way.
There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother (yes okay it's a coincidence, but it's true).
 
"Fairy Godmother! You're just the person I need!" says the purple bear, "I can't pull any bearesses cos they don't want to be seen with me on account of the hunters. They can spot me from a mile off."
Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand. "Oh for goodness sake, what is the matter with you lot round here." she says. And with that, she yells: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"
The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown. Except for his goolies, which remain purple.
 
"Hold up sweetheart!", he says to the fairy godmother, "My goolies are still purple!"
"Yeah, well I don't do those goolie things," she replies, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that."
"Well that's just dandy, innit?" the bear replies, "How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?"
"Easy," says the fairy godmother as she flew off...........
 
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
you know what's coming don't you ?
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
you'll be sorry you ever gave me your email address
after this....
~
~
~
~
~
~
~
she flew off, saying......
 
"Just follow the yellow-dick toad !! "
 
 

[Sason]

He does look like Buster Keaton, but I suspect it may be a genuine photo from the early 1900s, like this one . . . .

Might be necessary to scroll over to see the full image --->

Oh yes, I've seen this picture several times, as a poster. Gives me the shiver every time I see it.

[Kerry]

Oh yes, I've seen this picture several times, as a poster. Gives me the shiver every time I see it.

It gives me vertigo just looking at it!!! 

[Kerry]

I've just found an amazingly funny site called "Engrish Funny". You simply must  visit it! It's hilarious! Here's the link:

http://engrishfunny.com/