"Brokeback Fever Pitch," "I 'Cowbot", and other sequels....

[TOoP/Bruce]

by - bjblakeslee (Thu Apr 27 2006 13:53:59 )   

"Strangers on a Trail"

PLOT SYNOPSIS:

New to the mountain, Jack and Ennis meet on the back trails of Brokeback Mountain and the attraction is utterly electric. Ennis complains of being "caught in his own loop" and Jack misunderstands and jokes that he' do anything to make Ennis happy. Around a campfire, Jack and Ennis pass a bottle and the discussion take a decidely dark turn when Ennis wishes he never had married. Jack suggests they swap jobs, exchange murders, criss-cross. Snow comes early and the two lovers go their separate ways - Ennis having forgotten what Jack so clearly remembers...

Ennis returns home to his wife, but she is suspicious about why he was gone fishing for two whole months and never opened his creel. Ennis leaves to buy a pack of smokes and to give himself the opportunty to get his story straight.

Jack stalks Alma and strangles her, her hands dislodging Jack's Ray-ban sunglasses which fall to the ground. Alma's last moments are double reflected in the lenses.

Ennis is horrified to learn what has happened to Alma, and even more horrified to discover he is the prime suspect.

Jack sends a postcard to Ennis saying, "Wish you were here, Jack and LUREEN. CHILDRESS, TEXAS." The huge sadness of the northern plains rolls down on Ennis as realizes his unwitting complicity in this symbolic transfer of guilt. Clearly Jack has unmet expectations and his homocidal thirst will not be slaked until Ennis lives up to his part of the bargain...

Finally, the police chief produces the Ray-bans and confronts Ennis about their ownership.

Fighting back tears, Ennis confesses: "But they're Jack's, I swear...."

[TOoP/Bruce]

by - bjblakeslee (Thu Apr 27 2006 13:58:01 )   

"Brokeback Crying Game"

(The part of Jack is played by Maggie Gyllenhaal. Nathan Lane plays Lureen.)

PLOT SYNOPSIS:

Ennis spends the summer with "Jack" unaware that Jaqui is really female.

Ennis is troubled by what he thinks is a homosexual encounter with a madly handsome guy, but the encounter is really just a regular old garden variety heterosexual encounter with a really homely woman.

They go separate ways after Brokeback.

Ennis marries Alma and is plagued by memories of his life with Jack. Jaqui marries a heterosexual transgender named Larry who has changed his name to Lureen.

They guiltily meet over the next twenty years in a intense sexual relationship based on a totally impossible sexual mis-understanding.

[TOoP/Bruce]

by - bjblakeslee (Thu Apr 27 2006 13:59:46 )   

"The Brokeback of Notre Dame"

PLOT SYNOPSIS:

At Notre Dame University, agriculture major Ennis Delmar overcomes a slight scoliosis to become a quarterback for the Fighting Irish. He meets outgoing and talkative Jack Twist - a harmonica major and wide receiver who has been getting grief from the other team members for repeatedly dropping the soap in the the team shower.

They date hot cheerleaders and forge a secret friendship that will last for the next twenty years as both men become ProBowlers - one for the AFL, one for the NFL. Their steriod enhanced infrequent couplings are tinged with sadness as one of their careers is cut tragically short by a torn Achilles tendon.

[TOoP/Bruce]

by - bjblakeslee (Thu Apr 27 2006 14:01:25 )   

"The Boys in the Band of Brothers"

PLOT SYNOPSIS:

In 1939, John Twist (Jack's father) joins the military and discovers that military life agrees with him, particularly hazing stunts. He finds others of a like mind in the military and they forge a special elite commando unit who between engaging the Nazis in gunfire, engage each other in games of homoerotic sado-masochism, and snide, catty remarks that reveal the depths total self-loathing.

Once the Nazis are defeated, John returns to Lightning Flats to marry his childhood sweetheart, becomes an active member of his church community, frequently drinks to forget the horrors he's seen, and has a child he repeatly abuses in order to teach him to be a real man.

[TOoP/Bruce]

by - bjblakeslee (Thu Apr 27 2006 14:04:51 )   

"The Chronicles of Brokeback"

PLOT SYNOPSIS:

Ennis at his closet adjusts the shirts. He is about to shut the door when he hears a sound from inside the closet. There appears to be a light coming inside the closet. Puzzled, Ennis peers deeper into the closet and steps inside...

Jack's Voice: "Ennis! I've been looking everywhere for you! You know I've missed you so much I could whip babies..."

Ennis (stepping through the closet an into the snow covered world of Brokeback Mountain, sees Jack and looks confused): "Jack? I thought you were..."

Jack: "I'm not dead."

Ennis: "Me neither."

A passionate exchange is shared, with a post-coital Jack whispering: "Guns goin off agin..." They sleep nested together.

In the morning, Jack tells Ennis what has been happening on the mountain since they were separated. An evil queen played by Sharon Stone is trying to rule the world by promoting the heterosexist agenda, and bring pestilence upon all mankind in the form of Beaver Fever. She is aided by wolfen henchmen (Jerry Mathers and Randy Quaid) who are symbolically preying on the flock of sheep of Brokeback.

Clouds darken over the mountain, and Ole Brokeback roils with a demonic energy.

Jack is now joined by the Mystical Elk who asks Ennis to help Jack watch over the flock. Ennis has a flashback to years ago when he neglected the sheep and found the gutted carcass of a sheep that died on his watch. Several sheep also step forward to back up the story, and an amazed Ennis now says to Jack: "I sure am glad you didn't eat any of these guys."

Reunited, Jack and Ennis now forge an ironclad alliance as they must sever all ties to reality in order to save humankind through the use of CG effects and plot devices that beg credulity - and sabotage the Spring 2006 release of "Basic Instinct 2".

End shot of Ennis tenderly feeding Jack a spoon of soup; Jack feeding Ennis a spoon of beans.
Roll Credits: Play "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy."

[TOoP/Bruce]

by - bjblakeslee (Thu Apr 27 2006 14:06:33 )   

"Jesusaurus Park"

PLOT SYNOPSIS:

Ennis and Jack find romance on the mountain, but the mountain is not what it seems. Joe Aguirre is experimenting with DNA recovery from prehistoric fossils and injecting the DNA into rose stem cells rescued from fertility clinics in Wyoming. The experiment goes horribly wrong when DNA from a velociraptor is accidently injected into host cells from Pat Robertson and a clueless Anita Bryant is chosen to be the surrogate mother. This unholy union chooses to liberate itself from its uterine constraints by performing its own style of C-section. Jack and Ennis fall to their knees and try to pray, but alas, God is now the proprietary intellectual property of the Republican party.

Now a fully grown, fire-breathing Jesusaurus Rex (Americanus Talibanus Republica), the relentless monster not only spews homophobic vitriol, but also shows absolutely no regard for environmental impact, and promotes its heterosexist agenda by offering a series of socially irresponsible tax cuts.

Ennis and Jack narrowly escape, but not before the Jesusaurus escapes the mountain and heads east to Washington, D.C.

[TOoP/Bruce]

by - bjblakeslee (Thu Apr 27 2006 14:08:14 )   

"Meet the Flockers"

PLOT SYNOPSIS:

Ennis decides to marry Jack in an legally non-binding Wyoming civil commitment ceremony, but he must first convince his brother and sister (Dustin Hoffman and Barbara Steisand) to give their blessings in order to inherit the 24 dollars their dad left for him before missing that fateful curve in the road.

[TOoP/Bruce]

by - bjblakeslee (Thu Apr 27 2006 14:11:30 )   

UPDATED Mon May 8 2006 06:12:44
"The Lords of Brokeback"(The Lords of Dogtown)

PLOT SYNOPSIS:

Jack and Ennis (newly arrived from Venice Beach) are hired to keep watch over a large flock of CG sheep in the foothills of Brokeback Mountain. They ride horses, and sleep together in a tent.

Eventually, both decide that man does not live for sex alone, and taste the mind-blowing euphoria of alcohol enhanced mountain snowboarding. (2006 olympic medal skunker Bodie Miller guest stars as the Basque shepherd who puts the boys on to their special alcohol and testosterone charged purpose!)

[TOoP/Bruce]

by - bjblakeslee (Thu Apr 27 2006 14:13:08 )   

"The Four Fathers"

PLOT SYNOPSIS:

Ennis is humiliated to discover that Alma does not know the identity of Alma Jr.'s father. Ennis must now take a blood test, and he must use every trick in his book to coaxe the three men into willingly providing Ennis with their genetic material, so Ennis can accurately establish Alma Jr.'s paternal lineage for the purpose of divorce.

In the end, Ennis turns out to be the real father after all, because the way Alma likes it "don't make no babies..."

[TOoP/Bruce]

by - bjblakeslee (Thu Apr 27 2006 14:14:44 )   

"The Gay Civil Union Crashers"

PLOT SYNOPSIS:

A light hearted look at a Jack and Ennis seventies reunion, when instead of going fishing, they decide to go to Denver and drop in on gay wedding. Jack wagers Ennis that whoever can have sex with all members of the 8 man wedding party in the next 24 hours will not have to pay for the next fishing trip.

Jack asks Ennis if he's in?

Ennis replies,"You bet!"

Much humor as Ennis attracts mostly co-dependent women and short guys.

Jack wins the bet, but breaks Ennis's heart. Jack and Ennis make up, make out, make love, and make off with a bottle of champagne.

Ennis and Jack come to realize that fishing trips are what they do best, and they agree to see each other for trout season.