Author Topic: "Coming Out" as a Brokie.......  (Read 7878 times)

Offline Katie77

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"Coming Out" as a Brokie.......
« on: March 14, 2008, 06:36:35 pm »
I have read the term "coming out" lately, when referring to ourselves individually as beng a Brokie, and I thought it would make an interesting thread to hear how and when we came out of our Brokie "closet". Of course, we have always been "outed" here on Bettermost, but for some of us, we kept our "brokieness" hidden from our family and friends in real life, preferring to keep silent about how many times we had seen the movie, or how many hours we spend in here at Bettermost, or even just how many times we stay silent when we would really like to discuss something about BBM.

I know, for me, when I first saw the movie, I could not shut up about it, trying to tell people to go and see it, expecting that everyone who saw it, was going to feel exactly like I did. Instead I found that most people around me, were not real intersted in going to see a "gay cowboy" movie, and yet they still had an opinion of a movie that they had not even seen. I found  I was getting into arguments about gayness, about movies, about how "crazy" I was that I had seen a movie so many times. I saw how people shied away from me sometimes, if I mentioned BBM, shook their head as if to say, "I cant wait until she gets over this thing".

So eventually, I kept my Brokieness, silent.....I still spent many hours in the forums but kept it all to myself, sometimes I even felt like I was "sneaking" in here, looking around me, hoping no one would see what was on my computer screen. But every now and again, I would subtly do or say something, just to let people know, that it was still in my system. I framed the BBM poster and hung it on the wall in my computer room, thinking "be damned with it, if people want to make comment, let them"....I even copied some of Milli's fan-art pics of Jack and Ennis and stuck them on the drawers of my filing cabinet...that room, with my computer and my pics, became my little shrine and after a while, my family and friends got used to it. They didn't say much, but they quietly accepted me, and allowed me some "dignity" over my obsession.

And so it continued over the last couple of years, me watching the dvd, silently.....comng into Bettermost, and discussing every word, scene and expression in the movie.....and in real life, occassionally discussing something that connected me with BBM. I could come in here, and be Brokie....talk Brokie, act Brokie, love Brokie......

Then......that terrible day in January, when I awoke to the news that Heath was gone.....when my stomach felt like it was going to come up through my throat, when I felt that agony of un-acceptance, bewilderment, sadness, anger, frustration....I sat staring at the TV screen, as the news rambled on, not knowing how I was expected to react, or how I could express how I was feeling......

.....and then......my husband came to me, and put his arms around me, and held me, and without even saying the words, he was showing me, that it was OK to let go, and let the tears and the emotions flow.....

and then.......the phone calls....my sons rang me, just to say...."Are you ok, mum?".......

and then.....the emails and more phone calls from my friends......"I was thinking of you, Sue, when I heard the news"...



I knew then.....as I do now......that I had not realized that I had not been keeping my "brokieness" a secret, everyone knew, and everyone had accepted it, long before January..........I guess, it just took that tragedy, for everyone to let me know.....

Yes......MY NAME IS SUE......I AM A BROKIE......AND I AM DAM PROUD OF IT......
Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect.

It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfection

Offline forsythia12

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Re: "Coming Out" as a Brokie.......
« Reply #1 on: March 14, 2008, 06:57:27 pm »
HI.  I'M LEIGH-ANN .....AND I'M A BROKIE.....

well, i was like you when i first saw the movie.  had to tell EVERYONE, and i assumed everyone would react the way i did, but to my dismay, most did not.  i think people saw me as kinda weird, always wanting to talk about it, or bringing it up at strange times....so, slowly, over time, people got the idea that i was hooked.  my husband has known from the start, and teases me a little, but otherwise is understanding.  but, i didn't get any phone calls when heath died.   :(

Offline Mandy21

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Re: "Coming Out" as a Brokie.......
« Reply #2 on: March 14, 2008, 09:54:21 pm »
I couldn't be more thrilled to have an outlet for my obsession about this film.  This is where I come when I get sad, about losing Heath, or about anything else.  It is so consoling to know that others feel the same.  This isn't just a movie, one that will come and go from our memory.  This is a masterpiece, a work of art, a thing of beauty.  Each word, spoken, rings endlessly.  It's meant to do so.  Consider yourself lucky, and gifted, to be so touched by it.

I do...

Dawn is coming,
Open your eyes...

Offline forsythia12

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Re: "Coming Out" as a Brokie.......
« Reply #3 on: March 14, 2008, 10:53:44 pm »
I couldn't be more thrilled to have an outlet for my obsession about this film.  This is where I come when I get sad, about losing Heath, or about anything else.  It is so consoling to know that others feel the same.  This isn't just a movie, one that will come and go from our memory.  This is a masterpiece, a work of art, a thing of beauty.  Each word, spoken, rings endlessly.  It's meant to do so.  Consider yourself lucky, and gifted, to be so touched by it.

I do...


very nice, and eloquently written.  thank you.

Offline optom3

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Re: "Coming Out" as a Brokie.......
« Reply #4 on: March 16, 2008, 12:09:12 am »
I still haven't come out!!! Friends just don't get me.My kids have banned the BBM cd from the car so now I listen to it on my mp3 instead and they listen to what they want.
Most of my friends accept my peculiarities,but this seems to be a step too far for them.What annoys me is that the majority of them still have not seen it.One very close friend who I thougt might be an ally is just completely disinterested and my husband thinks I am more nuts than usual.
I am starting to feel like an alcoholic hiding drink.I watch the movie when the house is empty,and come here when evryone is out, or in bed.
The only one who understands is my 11 year old son.
He worries that I might take too many tablets like Heath.He knows I take PKs fo a shoulder and back problem,and arthritis and he knows I take anti deps.and sleepers.I have reassured him that muumy is very careful and writes down all she takes so I don't make a mistake.
He is a truly blessed child,and yet very sensitive,he asked me the other day why he was so lucky and other people had such hard times.He said it made him very sad.
He often asks questions about the film, and is sad that Heath died leaving behind such a young child.He knows our hairdresser is gay and can't understand why people have a problem with that.He just says,but he is really nice mom.

I have explained some of the film to him, and he just says that is so sad mom,I guess that is why it makes you cry.
He wants to see the film that has so captivated his mom,but I think he is a bit young yet. He cannot understand anyone being killed for loving anyone.His answer is God loves everyone doesnt he, and he is a man so he must love millions of men!!!!!



He also,bless him, if it is just us 2  in the car,says you can put the cd on mom.He is my little ray of sunshine,he will come and give me a neck massage when my migraines get bad!!!!! and asks if my cd will make it better.But he is my son and not only does he not judge me,but he  loves me and accepts me for who I am.I am his mother so can do no wrong,at the moment anyway.
It is such a pity that we cannot keep that childlike innocence,when it is all so simple and logical.He is such a mix of incredible sportsman,intelligence and sensitivity.
He got the best of my genes and his fathers.One day I will let him watch the film when he is older and if he still wants to.I think he will get it.Perhaps one day he will be on this site as well.!!!!!!

Offline Shasta542

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Re: "Coming Out" as a Brokie.......
« Reply #5 on: March 16, 2008, 12:12:47 am »
He sounds like a great kid, Optom3. Rare for a child that young to be so sensitive to others' feelings. 
"Gettin' tired of your dumbass missin'!"

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Offline Kd5000

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Re: "Coming Out" as a Brokie.......
« Reply #6 on: March 16, 2008, 12:30:18 am »
PPl know that I compare every movie I see with Brokeback Mountain, even Cloverfield.  :D   

I do agree with other posters that Bettermost and other forums have been great outlets.  I may not be the big poster, but I just love the feeling of coming to Bettermost.  Brokeback Mountain is still an edgy film (I've gotten that look!), so it's not like I can just go expressing my love for BBM at my leisure.  Sometimes, I walk around the subject with ppl, i.e. mentioning Wyoming or Annie Proulx, etc, so how ppl will respond.  Recently somebody who went to the University of WY told me that ppl there are still upset the film wasn't actually filmed in WY. I thought she was going to say ppl were upset that the film was suppose to take place in their state and that it didn't portray the state in a flattering manner.   So sometimes it pays to bring up Brokeback Mountain with ppl you aren't well acquainted with...

Offline Brown Eyes

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Re: "Coming Out" as a Brokie.......
« Reply #7 on: March 16, 2008, 12:41:33 am »
No one in my "real life" knows that I'm a Brokie.  There are some or maybe even several who know that I love Brokeback.  But in conversations about it with friends and family I usually keep my comments about it rather brief.  No one, as far as I know, in my "real life" knows about BetterMost or even about the fact that I went to Colorado last May for the Brokie BBQ.  So, yes, I'm very secretive about my Brokie identity, and for some reason I kind of like it that way.  It's fun to have a secret identity.  Of course, now too, I've met a number of Brokies in real life, so categories do begin to break down.

So, it's interesting, far more people in my "real life" know I'm a lesbian than people who know I'm a Brokie... As far as the "coming out" question goes.  ;D

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Offline optom3

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Re: "Coming Out" as a Brokie.......
« Reply #8 on: March 16, 2008, 05:08:04 pm »
No one in my "real life" knows that I'm a Brokie.  There are some or maybe even several who know that I love Brokeback.  But in conversations about it with friends and family I usually keep my comments about it rather brief.  No one, as far as I know, in my "real life" knows about BetterMost or even about the fact that I went to Colorado last May for the Brokie BBQ.  So, yes, I'm very secretive about my Brokie identity, and for some reason I kind of like it that way.  It's fun to have a secret identity.  Of course, now too, I've met a number of Brokies in real life, so categories do begin to break down.

So, it's interesting, far more people in my "real life" know I'm a lesbian than people who know I'm a Brokie... As far as the "coming out" question goes.  ;D



Same here most people know I am bi polar bit not a Brookie,how bizarre is that.I am not ashamed I just dont want to be shot down in flames by those who just don't get it.I guess It is so complex I cant explain it to myself let alone others,who have not experienced it.Bi polar is easier,just go and google it!!!!!

Offline Brown Eyes

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Re: "Coming Out" as a Brokie.......
« Reply #9 on: March 16, 2008, 06:49:40 pm »
Heya,

Yep, I agree, one of the hardest parts about imagining "coming out as a Brokie" to non-Brokies in "real life" is that it would be really hard to explain.  It would be hard to convey how important and even profound the experience is for me.  I wouldn't want it to come across that this experience is simply about being something as un-complex as "being a fan."  Mostly, the idea of trying to explain it sounds sort of exhausting.

There's an old saying that goes something like... "if you have to ask you'll never know"... and to a certain extent I think this applies a bit to the experience of being a Brokie.  Those of us who are Brokies really, really know it, and understand.  And people seek out these forums and Brokie communities.  Again, it would just be hard to convey all that this means to someone who's on the "outside" of the whole experience (and especially to someone who didn't like the movie or was only lukewarm in reaction to it).

the world was asleep to our latent fuss - bowie