Bitch, Bitch, Bitch

[delalluvia]

Oh dear Del, big hugs and kisses from me.... you're not having an easy time of it.

Thank you, you're sweet. 

[delalluvia]

Much arguing with my sister this morning over her inconsideration for others when she is inaccessible because she doesn't have vm.

We went back and forth for a while, until she finaly came out with what I always suspected, but I finally got to read in her own words.

1) that she didn't care if people were inconvenienced trying to reach her

(this includes her own mother, dying of cancer) 

2)  that if they really needed to talk to her or leave a message they could call me

(I am now her personal secretary, taking and screening her calls and messages) 

3)  that the messages were never important

(to her.  That other people may feel the message is important is not something she concerns herself with) 

At this point, I just dropped the conversation before I said something I knew I would not regret but would eventually pay for.  Selfish, self-absorbed bitch, like I always suspected. 

[injest]

you know I can understand not wanting to be on a leash but when you have power of attorney and your mother is deathly ill..

you put yourself to the side. It is not like this is going to be a permanent thing. selfish describes it perfectly.

[optom3]

I am posting this in the hope it might help you. My mother is a class A1 bitch and hypochondriac. She has been dying for 20 plus years and her second home is the local private hospital. She is unpleasant in the extreme and when I was in the U.K everything I did was wrong, period.She told me my oldest son should never have been born,then when he started to show signs of problems she told me he just needed a good smack.Then a couple of months ago on the phone she asked me when I knew how ill my son was, why on earth had I moved to a country where I could not get cheap psychiatric drugs.
He is now ill you see, up until recently he was badly behaved, lacking in discipline and just generally poor parenting.
She now blames his genetic father for his problems, despite the fact my brother has ADHD I am bi polar and she is a raving lunatic.
Long story short, when I told my brother who lives in Japan we were moving to the states, he was unfucking believable. Who was going to look after mum if anything happened to dad.
I pointed out she has been dying for a good 20 years, all the time he has been in Japan and all the running around had been done by me.I had held my tongue for so long, every Xmas when he came home and told me not to be so hard on her blah blah. I just opened my mouth and let rip.Told him if he was so concerned then he could move back.He does not live with his wife and daughter and his job is done on computer.So he can work anywhere.I could not just leave my husband with 3 kids and a full time job while I popped back to the U.K to open another bottle of pills for mum.
I ranted on and on,aid I had done the last 20 years he could do the next.
It took several months for us to talk again, but in the end he emailed me to say sorry, and how selfish he had been.He also admitted that he would have killed her years ago.
I also ranted at my mum as well.All the insults she had hurled at me all the times I wasn't good enough,telling me my oldest should not have been born, telling her it was the longest ongoing death in history and why did she just get on with it and stop making everybodies lives a misery.Most of all my fathers.She too cut off communications for a good while.In the end I had to ring her and apologise as my dad rang me and sad she was making his life even worse.So I gritted my teeth and apologised.That was followed by the why take an obviously sick child to the states.!!!!!
Then the final blow, so she thought, she had persuaded my father to rewrite the will, leaving everything to my brother, and his daughter.Everything being a very substantial sum.
I don't give a fu-k about me, I can't believe she would be so callous to her other grandkids.My bother mailed me about it and said he had told her to stuff it and as he pointed out, she will probably outlast my father, and cost all the money she has left in 24/7 nursing care.
My point is, maybe just have it out with your sister.It worked for me and my brother, eventually.I sure felt a hell of a lot better once I ha said it all.He needed some home truths and we are now really close.So maybe it would work for you.The change was not overnight it took a few months, but it was worth it.
I hope some of this may help your very unenviable situation.I can't believe how long I put up with both my brother and mother before completely blowing.As a byproduct, my blood pressure came down !!!!  So I could come off meds. for that.
I wish you luck in dealing witha selfish sibling.I truly do know how that feels.There were lots of reasons for moving here, but one was certainly in part my mother.

[delalluvia]

I am posting this in the hope it might help you. My mother is a class A1 bitch and hypochondriac. She has been dying for 20 plus years and her second home is the local private hospital. She is unpleasant in the extreme and when I was in the U.K everything I did was wrong, period.She told me my oldest son should never have been born,then when he started to show signs of problems she told me he just needed a good smack.Then a couple of months ago on the phone she asked me when I knew how ill my son was, why on earth had I moved to a country where I could not get cheap psychiatric drugs.
He is now ill you see, up until recently he was badly behaved, lacking in discipline and just generally poor parenting.
She now blames his genetic father for his problems, despite the fact my brother has ADHD I am bi polar and she is a raving lunatic.
Long story short, when I told my brother who lives in Japan we were moving to the states, he was unfucking believable. Who was going to look after mum if anything happened to dad.
I pointed out she has been dying for a good 20 years, all the time he has been in Japan and all the running around had been done by me.I had held my tongue for so long, every Xmas when he came home and told me not to be so hard on her blah blah. I just opened my mouth and let rip.Told him if he was so concerned then he could move back.He does not live with his wife and daughter and his job is done on computer.So he can work anywhere.I could not just leave my husband with 3 kids and a full time job while I popped back to the U.K to open another bottle of pills for mum.
I ranted on and on,aid I had done the last 20 years he could do the next.
It took several months for us to talk again, but in the end he emailed me to say sorry, and how selfish he had been.He also admitted that he would have killed her years ago.
I also ranted at my mum as well.All the insults she had hurled at me all the times I wasn't good enough,telling me my oldest should not have been born, telling her it was the longest ongoing death in history and why did she just get on with it and stop making everybodies lives a misery.Most of all my fathers.She too cut off communications for a good while.In the end I had to ring her and apologise as my dad rang me and sad she was making his life even worse.So I gritted my teeth and apologised.That was followed by the why take an obviously sick child to the states.!!!!!
Then the final blow, so she thought, she had persuaded my father to rewrite the will, leaving everything to my brother, and his daughter.Everything being a very substantial sum.
I don't give a fu-k about me, I can't believe she would be so callous to her other grandkids.My bother mailed me about it and said he had told her to stuff it and as he pointed out, she will probably outlast my father, and cost all the money she has left in 24/7 nursing care.
My point is, maybe just have it out with your sister.It worked for me and my brother, eventually.I sure felt a hell of a lot better once I ha said it all.He needed some home truths and we are now really close.So maybe it would work for you.The change was not overnight it took a few months, but it was worth it.
I hope some of this may help your very unenviable situation.I can't believe how long I put up with both my brother and mother before completely blowing.As a byproduct, my blood pressure came down !!!!  So I could come off meds. for that.
I wish you luck in dealing witha selfish sibling.I truly do know how that feels.There were lots of reasons for moving here, but one was certainly in part my mother.

You poor thing {{{optom}}.  Thank you for this.  I will definitely keep it in mind.  I, too, can be blamed for not saying things in order to keep the peace.  Matter of fact, I just did a ritual tonight to Juno Lucina for a friend of mine whose daughter is giving birth and to Juno Viriplaca to keep the peace in the family.  While things need to be said, I decided, why cause trouble now?  Make mom's last months tense and miserable?  This won't last forever, then there will be a reckoning.

Whew.  My mother doesn't hold a candle to yours, optom.  For which I'm very thankful.  She is truly ill and would very much not like to be -as we all would.

I would like to have it out with my brother and sister, but my sister can be petty and vindictive and holds grudges for a long time.  She is not above character assassination and poisoning events and relationships to get her way or drum up sympathy for herself.  My brother, even though he's the oldest and has an equal stake in the estate, does very little to help and my mother does not pressure him like she does us girls.  They had some falling out years ago and are just now repairing their relationship, but what the falling out was is a deep dark secret, so I can't really give him flak for not doing his part since I don't know what the standoffish issue is between them is.  He might be perfectly justified. [shrug]  Dunno.

But I will keep your words in mind.  Thanks so much.

[injest]

good morning Del.

I know that with the immediate crisis, confronting your sister is not an option but Fiona is right...and at some point you will and it will be hard...but it will improve your relationship. I stopped talking to my mother for a year and it really made an impression on her that I was serious about her knocking off the insults.

You will 'hit the wall' one day. It will just have to wait for while I think..

 

[delalluvia]

Bitch of the day - my sister.

She doesn't have vm, yes?  As per my above rants?

Today I'm at my mom's, mopping, doing dishes, filling up things, watering, just helping around the house and my mother asks if I will call my sister to see if she called in a prescription to the local pharmacy.

I call from my mother's phone, not thinking I will get her, but I try anyway.

To my surprise, my sister answers and she, in a hurried, impatient voice, snarls

"What do you want?"

Note whose number is showing up on her caller ID?

Her sick mother.

That is how she addresses her.

Bitch. 
 

[optom3]

You poor thing {{{optom}}.  Thank you for this.  I will definitely keep it in mind.  I, too, can be blamed for not saying things in order to keep the peace.  Matter of fact, I just did a ritual tonight to Juno Lucina for a friend of mine whose daughter is giving birth and to Juno Viriplaca to keep the peace in the family.  While things need to be said, I decided, why cause trouble now?  Make mom's last months tense and miserable?  This won't last forever, then there will be a reckoning.

Whew.  My mother doesn't hold a candle to yours, optom.  For which I'm very thankful.  She is truly ill and would very much not like to be -as we all would.

I would like to have it out with my brother and sister, but my sister can be petty and vindictive and holds grudges for a long time.  She is not above character assassination and poisoning events and relationships to get her way or drum up sympathy for herself.  My brother, even though he's the oldest and has an equal stake in the estate, does very little to help and my mother does not pressure him like she does us girls.  They had some falling out years ago and are just now repairing their relationship, but what the falling out was is a deep dark secret, so I can't really give him flak for not doing his part since I don't know what the standoffish issue is between them is.  He might be perfectly justified. [shrug]  Dunno.

But I will keep your words in mind.  Thanks so much.

Note I was not that brave. I waited until I knew I would be many thousands of miles away, very soon, before opening the whole can of worms.What it did for me, was almost like having a cancer cut out. I truly am not exagerating. For the best part of 20 years I had let the situation go on.I had let it eat away at me bit by bit, as I became more and more bitter.It was really in danger of completely destroying me.
The opening my mouth and letting years of anger etc out into the open was like opening up an abscess.Sure it hurt, as I am not naturally vindictive, but the realease way more than compensated for that.
I knew I stood a real chance of being ostracised by the family, but how much worse could it be than what I was going through.In the end after a very long break in communications, it turned out to be the best thing I ever did.
I was not brave though, it took me 20 years , several Vodkas and the protection of the telephone before I plucked up the courage to open the pressure valve.
I wish you the courage to do it way before I did.Look after yourself, as it sounds like no one else will.

[delalluvia]

Two months ago, the French policeman who is an internet friend of my sister's e-mailed us both.  He is coming to Texas.  My sister agreed to put him up for his short stay.

I believed based on his message that he was coming through for about 3 days, Friday through Saturday.  Seeing as he would arrive on a weekday, I thought it would be best if he stayed at my place instead of my sister's because I'm within walking distance of a lot of places.  Her home is in a residential area far from any place of interest.  I could leave him a key and he could walk around until I got home from work.

So I volunteered.

A week or so later, my sister let me know that he was actually coming in on a Wednesday night and she was getting a day off and if I could get a day off we could each show him round before the weekend, he would never be alone.

A few days later, I was having lunch with a friend and mentioned this to her.

She stopped eating and stared at me.

Her:  That doesn't sound like the Del I know.
Me:  What do you mean?
Her:  Do you often invite strange men you don't know to spend the night at your place?
Me (flustered):  Er, no.

She made me realize belatedly, that I had just invited a total stranger to spend 3 nights alone with me.

Do I know the guy?

No.

He's my sister's friend.  A guy she met on the internet. I met him several times.  Once in London, and he showed us around Paris for a day or so, we visited his home.  I think I exchanged perhaps a paragraph or two of conversation with him.

He says he is a policeman.

Have I or my sister seen a badge?  No
Have I or my sister seen him in uniform?  No
Did I see in his home a picture of he and his buddies, perhaps in uniform?  No

All I have is his e-mail address but it is a government e-mail address in France

And my friend also threw in the fact that he had come to visit my sister, not me, so perhaps it was just as well that I withdraw my offer and instead just take over my niece's care as well as my mom's for the weekend so that would free up a bed in her house and give her more time with her friend.  I would still take a day off and drive him around so he would never have a reason to need to walk anywhere.

I thought it a good enough compromise and e-mailed my sister.

She didn't respond, so I figured, she agreed and no big deal.

Today, 3 weeks later, I asked her what day she was taking off from work, so I could take the other.  She responded that she didn't think she could take a day off, but that didn't matter since he was staying with me anyway.

I was like, Whoa.  Didn't you get my e-mail I sent a few weeks ago?

She replied, Yes. [silence]

She got my e-mail and just ignored it because I wasn't telling her what she wanted to hear.

So I hammered my points home again.

She blew up.

She accused me of being immature and that if he couldn't stay at my place, then she didn't need my help or need me to entertain him at all.  I could just not bother.

I'm like WTF    This is HER friend and she's pissed off that I changed my mind and I won't put him up?

This is one of those situations where I'm not allowed to inconvenience her, you see.

Not this time.  I went right back at her that I was perfectly within my rights to change my mind if I had a good reason and I did. It wasn't immature and I was being perfectly reasonable and why was she throwing such a tantrum about it?

I could understand her being dismayed if he was flying in the next day and I suddenly bailed, but his visit is still about 3 weeks away.  Plus I had e-mailed her earlier in the month anyway.

She tried the martyr route - "Fine, I'll have to spend my birthday weekend cleaning, thanks to you."
I told her to get off the cross because her birthday weekend was this weekend and she still had the weekend after to clean before he flew in.

So right now, again, basically, if she doesn't pull her head out of her ass and grow up 15 years in the next 3 weeks, she is going to condemn her friend to who has flown 3000 miles to see her to sit in her home, without any company, telephone, cable, computer or any place near to walk because she didn't get her way.

My co-workers and friends were, And this is HER friend, right?.

I'm like, Yup.  This is what a good friend she is. [shakes head]

So despite the fact that I didn't do anything wrong, I'm all stressed out due to this latest fight.

Grrrrrrrrrrr

[injest]

oh GOOD for you, Del!

DON'T let her in your head like that...you did EXACTLY the right thing. PERFECTLY.

as far as you are concerned it is over....she invited him, he is HER friend, NOT your problem!

stuff her!!

 

I am proud of you for standing up to her, you put up with enough stuff from her with your mother that you HAVE to deal with, don't let her dump this on you too.

(and just to be catty....if she wouldnt' let her house GET so bad it wouldnt' take a whole weekend to get ready for a visit! *MEEEEOOOWWW*)