Not a bitch, just a sad bewilderment on the vagaries of life and the cruelty it can deal out.
I cannot fathom why life would be so cruel as to give each of us such a will to live - and what do you need to live? To keep one's heart beating, lungs breathing and belly filled - yet take it away at the same time.
Why would the Fates return cancer to an aging woman who has already suffered most of her life with this condition and at an age where she is now too delicate to fight it off as she had done before?
And so begins the last slow dance with Death.
Need a heart to keep pumping? Years of chemotherapy have damaged my mother's heart and sprung a leak. So she has erratic blood pressure that can make her breathless, nervous and giddy and also dizzy, weak and faint, sometimes in the same day.
And due to her condition? Inoperable.
Need those lungs pumping? Let her diaphragm muscles slip out of their normal spot and push so completely against one lung that she is down to 1.3 lungs and is on oxygen 24/7. I imagine she must feel like she's
just about to suffocate almost every day.
And due to her condition? Inoperable.
Oh, and how about keeping oneself fed? Let the cancer metastasize, one tumor lodge in her neck, slowly growing and squeezing her esophagus shut.
And due to her condition? Inoperable.
It's as if Death is squeezing her, cutting off every lifeline, one at a time, killing her slowly, but keeping her in full awareness of each desperate breath.
And still mom has hope. One phone call to me to tell me, my stomach clenches and gets sick, while her call is full of irritation that her doctor doesn't give her any options.
I wonder - does she know that's probably because she really doesn't have any - or worse still, she does know that, but is going to keep on fighting even though the battle is already lost?
I can't be angry - the Wheel of Fortune spins for us all, but not equally - I just wish the Dance had been a quick one.
Second woe - discussing politics with friends of opposing political parties. Spent most of today back and forth with a conservative friend and despite being two adults with good, college educations, equal ability to communicate ideas, ideals and effective skills at negotiation, compromise, equal access to a legion of information and media sources, our discussion ground down and left us two kids on a playground, both convinced we were right, unwilling to budge because
we know we are right and
Me: Yes, it is.
Him: No, it isn't.
Me: Yes, it is.
Him: No, it isn't.
Me: Yes, it is.
Him: No, it isn't.
Is it any wonder this country is still so divided? You start to understand why there are some spots in the world without any chance of peace because of this same situation.
