Kerry's Komedy Klub

[underdown]

A wise instruction for life that I should have taken seriously:

Never buy a car that you can't push !
 

[underdown]

A man chided his wife one day for leaving her car keys in the ignition when she parked in the driveway.
'What if somone steals your car?' he asked.
'Oh, that's no problem', she replied, 'I keep a spare key in the cutlery drawer'.
 

[underdown]

There are some really wise old sayings, such as:

'If at first you don't succeed, try, try, try again.'

*

*

Of course, if your chosen profession is tightrope walking .............

[underdown]

A woman took her sixteen year old daughter to the doctor.

'Well, Mrs Jones, what seems to be the problem?'

The mother says, 'It's my daughter, Frances, doctor. She keeps getting these cravings, and is sick most mornings.'.

The doctor gives the daughter a really thorough examination and pronounces, 'Hmmm. It seems, Mrs Jones, that your daughter is pregnant.'

The mother replies, 'Pregnant ? Pregnant ?? That's impossible, doctor. She can't be! She's never been out with a man. Never even been kissed by a man! Have you Frances ?'

'No mother. Never, ever!'

The doctor walks over to the window and stands there, gazing out, for a long time.

Eventually, the woman asks, 'Doctor, why are you staring out of the window, saying nothing?'

The doc turns, and says, 'Hell, this sort of thing happens only once every couple of thousand years or so.
The last time, a star appeared in the East and three wise men came to visit.

I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time around.

[underdown]

Can't sleep with a drip ?

Call your local Plumber.

[Katie77]

Hey Rob, have you been cleaning out your office desk........

[underdown]

Sign outside a London dance hall.

GOOD CLEAN FUN
EVERY NIGHT
EXCEPT SUNDAY

[underdown]

Hey Rob, have you been cleaning out your office desk........

Are they THAT bad ?   
 

[dot-matrix]

New Diet Program



A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10-lb weight loss Program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door, and there stands Before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss Company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day, 20-pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.

So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day, 50-pound program.

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it, he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your ass is mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week

[dot-matrix]

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

( 1 ) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.-- Alan, age 10 (true sports fan)
( 2 ) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.-- Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
( 1 ) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.-- Camille, age 10
( 2 ) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.-- Freddie, age 6.

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
( 1 ) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8 (so true)

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
( 1 ) Both don't want any more kids.-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
( 1 ) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
( 2 ) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
( 1 ) I'd run home and play dead. The next day! I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
( 1 ) When they're rich.-- Pam, age 7
( 2 ) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.-- Curt, age 7
( 3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
(1 ) It's better for girls to be single but not boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.-- Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
( 1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is....HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
( 1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.-- Ricky, age 10 (future diplomat)