Kerry's Komedy Klub

[Katie77]

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'an inch of dust!!'
And then the fight started...



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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming

anniversary. She
said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.'

I bought her a set of scales.
And then the fight started...



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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...



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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for

Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's licence
to
verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet
at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come
back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing
my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is

proof
enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
And then the fight started...



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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I

kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to

drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been
sober
since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on

celebrating that
long?'

And then the fight started...



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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my

order
first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...

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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not

happy with
what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat
and
ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....

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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold

cream.

And then the fight started....

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My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her

not as
much as the dress she wore yesterday and then the fight started.....


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A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3

o'clock
in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered,
jumped up
from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the

window. He
smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and

to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and

screamed at the
woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....



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I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....

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My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....

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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else

to take
care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something
more
important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived

home one
day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a
tiny pair
of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went
into the
house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her
a
toothbrush. 'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as
well
sweep the driveway.'

and then the fight started...

[Kerry]

[Kerry]

[ifyoucantfixit]

        I laughed out loud Kerry on a lot of those, but the one about the lawn mower absolutely cracked me
up...loved that..lol

[Kerry]

[Kerry]

[David In Indy]

I am typing these, so please forgive any typos. I hope none of them are repeats...

SISTER MARY ANN'S GASOLINE

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting home bound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco gasoline station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.

Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."

[Katie77]

 

Well done David......

[David In Indy]

One day Farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil, then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose.

Now he had a problem - how to carry all of his purchases home. The livestock dealer said "Put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand."

"Thanks" said the farmer and headed off towards home.

While walking, he met a fair young lady with a rather large beautiful super-structure. She told him she was lost and asked "Can you tell me how to get to the nearest highway?" The farmer replied: "I'm going to visit my brother near there. Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We will save time in getting there."

The fair young lady said, "How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull down my skirt and ravish me?"

The farmer said "I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against a wall and do that?"

The young lady said "Set the goose down, put the bucket over near the goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."

[David In Indy]

Why Computers Sometimes Crash

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and the system's gonna crash.

If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out wit a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, that sucker's gonna hang.

When the copy to your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, then quickly turn the bugger off and be sure to tell your MOM!