Kerry's Komedy Klub

[Kerry]

[Katie77]

On their way to get married a young Catholic couple is
involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found them-
selves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St Peter
to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to
wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven ?

When St Peter showed up, they asked him. St Peter says,
"I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked.
Let me go and find out," and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed;
the couple was still waiting As they waited, they discussed that
IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the
eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work ?" they
wondered. "Are we stuck together FOREVER ?"

After yet another month, St Peter finally returns, looking
somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you
CAN get married in Heaven."

"Great," said the couple, "But we were jusy wondering, what
if things don't work out ?" Could we also get a divorce in
Heaven ?"

St Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clip-board onto
the ground.

"What's wrong ?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH COME ON," St Peter shouts, "It took me 3 months
to find a priest up here ! Do you have ANY idea how long
it's going to take me to find a LAWYER ?"

[Kerry]

[Katie77]

ALWAYS THERE...........

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. ”I think you're bad luck

 

[Katie77]

Will I Live to see 80?

 
Here's something to think about.

 
I recently picked a new primary care doctor.  After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 60.)   

 
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

 
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

 
'Oh no,' I replied.  'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

 
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

 
'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

 
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

 
'No, I don't,' I said.

 
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

 
'No,' I said.

 
He looked at me and said,...  'Then, why do you even give a shit?

[David In Indy]

Two female friends had gone out for a girls' night out, and had been decidedly overenthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin her's, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These darn girls' nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck on her behind that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you!'

[Katie77]

I want to live my next life backwards!

 You start out dead and get that out of the way
 right off the bat.

 Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling better
 every day.

 When you are kicked out of the home for being too
 healthy, you spend several years enjoying your
 retirement and collecting benefit checks.

 When you start work, you get a gold watch on your
 first day.

 You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day
 until pretty soon you're too young to work.

 So then, you go to college: play sports, date,
 drink, and party. 

  After that you're at high school, become very popular because
you are  so mature, are an excellent athlete after your experience
in college, and  the first love is not your first, so you know how
to handle  yourself. 

 As you get even younger, you become a kid again.

 You go to elementary school, play, and have no
 responsibilities.   
 
 In a few years, you become a baby and everyone
runs themselves  ragged keeping you happy. 

You spend your last 9 months  floating peacefully
in luxury, spa-like conditions: central  heating,
room service on tap.

 Until finally ...You finish off as an orgasm.

 I rest my  case....

[Kerry]

[Katie77]

BECAUSE ITS VALENTINES DAY...A COUPLE OF ROMANTIC POEMS FOR YOU

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.


A MANS POEM.

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
The End

[Kerry]

Yikes, it's true, pets really do  look like their owners! Or should that be owners look like their pets?