Kerry's Komedy Klub

[David In Indy]

THIS JUST IN...

Many of you will be happy to hear about this NEW wine for the elderly.

Vintners in the Napa Valley who produce primarily Pinot Blancs and Pinot Grigios have developed a new hybrid grape which acts as an anti-diuretic and will reduce the number of trips an older person has to make to the bathroom during the night.

They will be marketing the new wine, of course as Pinot More.

[Kerry]

I am typing these, so please forgive any typos. I hope none of them are repeats...

SISTER MARY ANN'S GASOLINE

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting home bound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco gasoline station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.

Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."

   Sounds like some nuns I've known. 

[Katie77]

Keep em comin David...........

[Katie77]

[Katie77]

Cleaning Poem

I asked the Lord to tell me
Why my house is such a mess.
He asked if I'd been 'computering',
And I had to answer 'yes.'

He told me to get off my backside
And tidy up the house.
And so I started cleaning up...
The smudges off my mouse.

I wiped and shined the topside.
That really did the trick...
I was just admiring my work..
I didn't mean to 'click.'

But click, I did, and oops I found
A real absorbing site
That I got SO way into.
I was into it all night.<<Sigh>>

Nothing's changed except my mouse
It's very, very shiny.
I guess my house will stay a mess...
While I sit here on my hiney.

[David In Indy]

Male or Female?



Male or Female?  You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.  Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.


PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.


TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated


HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.


SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.


WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.


TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.


EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.


HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.


THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.



















   

[David In Indy]

Okay all you nice ladies out there, don't shoot me for posting this okay? My niece sent me this..... read it again.... MY NIECE sent me this.....

So here we go.....




New Law:

With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots, especially during evening hours, the Minneapolis City Council has established a 'Women Only' parking lot at the Mall of America.

Even the parking lot attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons.

Below is the first picture available of this world-first women-only parking lot in  Minnesota  ..   






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[Katie77]

            EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
 
 
 
   

 

 

[Kerry]

[Katie77]

OLD FLAME


I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend
who, this morning, called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still
around.


        We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic
times we used to enjoy together.


      I couldn't be lieve it when she asked if I'd be
interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'.


          'Wow!' I was flabbergasted.





        'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I
said, 'I'm a bit older





        and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me.
Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'





        She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to
the challenge'.





        'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a
waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total
lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed
and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!'






        She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.


        She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men
were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.





        Anyway, she giggled and said, 'I've put on a few pounds
myself!'





        So I told her to fuck off.