Gary... I have to thank you for the video about Vincent. It made me cry. It made me cry for about an hour and a half, actually... deep, wrenching sobs, and, somehow, that's a good thing... because that's the first time I've really cried since Heath's death. I teared up a couple of times, but that's all... not real crying. But somehow, something in the song and remembering the story of Vincent, it just got to the heart of what pains me the very most about Heath's death, and for reasons I can only just begin to understand. Heath was one of the beautiful ones... one of the shining, gifted, open-hearted ones ... and I just don't want the beautiful ones to suffer, and I feel like they so often do, and it feels so wrong. I want to be able to protect them, to make the world safe, to make it so they don't have to leave us. And I know no one can do that. We can just live and die trying, and create as much love and safety and understanding as we can... that's all.
I had a friend who commited suicide about eleven years ago now. Heath's death was reminding me of that, and I didn't quite know why - I thought it was just the shock of it.. both were deaths that I was totally unprepared for - and the fact that both died so young. My friend was 27, the same age as me.. back then, I mean. Not now. lol. Sorry for the incoherence. Although, I guess, he still IS 27, while I'm pushing 40..
Anyway... he was beautiful and brilliant... so brilliant, he won a full scholarship to Princeton, which was kind of a big deal for someone who wasn't even American. But he hated it there, and only stayed one term. It was like he couldn't find the place in the world that was for him, and I don't know if he would have found it eventually if he'd stuck around for a little longer, or if the opposite would have been true... if the world would have started feeling less and less like somewhere he could stay.
But I don't think that of Heath.. not exactly. He did find his place, and the world did understand. I just want the world to keep on understanding, to keep loving him. And I see so much vulnerability in the way he died, and I want to rush in and protect him somehow. And Vincent. And all of us.
And I have a headache now, and I've maybe been rambling incoherently, but I just needed to let you know that your choice to post that video was, for me anyway, inspired and perfect.
xo m.
Topic: Heath Ledger - the grieving thread (Read 742305 times)