Chapter 87:
Ellery, still kneeling, opened his eyes and looked down into Ennis’s face, which instead of being flushed and glowing, was still, his eyes wide open and gleaming with a tragic sadness. “Sweetheart,” he whispered softly, raising a hand and stroking his cheek.
“This ain’t fair,” Ennis whispered in response. “This ain’t fair ta you.”
“What ain't fair, Ennis?” Ellery asked, but his chest tightened as he sensed what Ennis was about to say.
“Please don’t get mad at me Ellery, I feel bad about this as it is.” Ennis put his hands over his face, almost as if he were about to burst into tears, but did not, then forced his hands back down.
“I won’t get mad, Ennis.”
“When you were suckin me off, I was thinkin a when Jack did that the first time,” he said, his voice dropping as though making a painful confession.
Ellery smiled. “That why you came like that?”
Ennis nodded, squeezing his eyes closed. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be thinkin a Jack when I’m fuckin you.”
“Why not?” Ellery rolled onto his side. “It ain’t like you asked me ta cut my hair or get a tan or nothin so I could look like em.”
“I like yer hair long,” Ennis replied, avoiding the question. “I need a fuckin smoke.”
Ellery reached for the box of cigars and took one out, then grabbed the matches, handing them both to Ennis, and said nothing, giving him time.
Ennis lit up and inhaled greedily, letting out a cloud of smoke with a long sigh. “Damn, I missed that.” He handed Ellery the cigar. “It just feels wrong, darlin. I am in love with you. I do love you.”
“I know that. I ain’t worried about Jack, Ennis.”
“Why the hell not? I get green as grass when you mention Beagle or Bill or...”
“Well maybe I might feel different if Jack had been callin on the phone every other day or just sent a love letter a week ago, Ennis. But it ain’t yer fault you loved em, an I don’t get jealous that ya loved em, an you told me months ago that you were always gonna love em an yer just provin you ain’t a liar about that.”
“Shit,” Ennis said, accepting the cigar back and puffing on it. “You got that right. I don’t want ta rub it in, but I think about em a lot.”
“Look at it this way, Ennis. How many people did you tell about how you felt about Jack? How many people, before you told me?”
“I mentioned it in passin ta Bill when I went ta the Red Stallion. An Pete because he kept naggin me about it. An I think Jack’s momma knew, I told her Jack an I was real good friends.”
“Yeah but you didn’t tell her he was the man you were in love with all those years, did ya?”
Ennis shook his head. “Nope. Couldn’t do that.”
“So I was really the first person you spelled it all out to.”
“Yep.”
“An I’m the first man you got it on with after losin Jack.”
“Yep, ain’t been nobody else. An I don’t count Alma because I never did like ta do it with her, daughters or no daughters.”
“This shit is gonna come up, Ennis. If you do the same thing in bed with me you did with Jack, it’s gonna come back to ya. You don’t think sometimes I don’t think a some other guy sometimes? I do. I ain’t gonna rub yer nose in it, but it happens.”
Ennis gave Ellery a sharp look. “I ain’t tryin ta rub yer nose in it, Ellery, I’m tryin ta be honest here. Fact is... I feel right now like I’m just usin you, because I can’t have Jack, an that makes me feel real guilty.”
Ellery reached over and put a hand on Ennis’s shoulder. “If yer usin me then we’re both usin each other. The best thing is yer talkin about it. If you never said one little word an this was all goin through yer head, I would be real worried. But yer diggin it out. It got stirred up from the weddin, an that shit when it gets stirred up is hard. But it gets better, Ennis. It does.”
“Like you an Beagle?” Ennis looked at him suspiciously.
“Yeah. I had some nightmares, but they don’t happen as much. I get upset from the letter, but I ain’t so upset anymore. That’s how it goes if you take a risk an love somebody, Ennis. It hurts like a bitch sometimes, an then it gets better.”
“You ain’t mad?”
Ellery shook his head. “No. I ain’t mad.” As he took the cigar back from Ennis, he tapped the ash on the ashtray and then took a deep drag. He wasn’t mad at Ennis, but his chest still ached with the tightness of anxiety as he thought, will he ever love me the way he loves Jack?
Topic: Taking Chances, by E. L. Van Hine and L.H. Nicoll (Read 3131775 times)