Heath Ledger - the grieving thread

[Kelda]

Does anybody else here keep having the experience of going, "WHAT?  HEATH LEDGER WHAT?" practically every single time you see the horrible words?  I have found out the terrible news over and over again, each time new.  Can anyone else understand what I mean?

uh-huh...

I'm trying to rearrange my thinking on some of the most anger inducing actions of people in this horrible event:

The ambulance guys - I was absolutely floored when I saw them rush the gurney off the curb and watched Heath's poor head bounce up and down.  I was angry at the masseuse.  I bitterly complained to my sister, who has also been following the stories and she - of all people - helped me with a different POV:

The rough treatment by the ambulance guys?  "You saw all the cameras flashing, they were probably trying to rush him to the ambulance to keep those buzzard paparazzi guys from taking all these morbid pictures."

The masseuse?  "Well, Heath hired her.  Maybe because she wasn't licensed or trained in CPR she had cheaper rates.  Plus according to her, he was already cold when she finally touched him.  No CPR in the world was going to save him by then."

I know the stages of grief, and anger is one of them, but like most accidental deaths, there is really no one and nothing to be angry at - except the Fates, the gods - who maybe loved him much more than we - and of course, insensitive photogs and blathering media personalities, but they had nothing to do with - I almost wrote 'Ennis' - Heath's death.  You just feel so helpless.

Yup - you're right He's gone - there is no point in blaming the massusse the ambulance guys, they did the best they could. Unfortunately it was never going to bring him back. 

I agree, very well said. People do grieve in different ways. For myself I have become rather withdrawn from everything. But I am beginning to realize that although Heath along with Ennis is gone I still have all those thoughts and memories and nobody can take those away. It's still hard though and I know I get angry when some of the news and some people act like he is not worth any grieving cause he played a gay cowboy. In my so called diverse university setting even mentioning Heath's passing would suddenly mean you are gay just because of one role.

Jack - we are here for you. We all know being shot off from people did heath no good. Don't let this close you off for ever.

And lastly, hello and welcome RedAzaelia..... 

Same here. I can't believe it.

I really regret not connecting to this community sooner, since you all seem like such nice people. It's such a downer that it's through this tragedy that I finally find this place.

I feel really numb right now. I wish I could watch the movie, but I don't think I'd be able to make it all the way through...or even past the first 15 minutes. It might help me get the good cry I've been wanting, but unable to manage...but it hurts too much to even think about it.

Heath...

Heath...I swear...

 

[Mikaela]

Does anybody else here keep having the experience of going, "WHAT?  HEATH LEDGER WHAT?" practically every single time you see the horrible words?  I have found out the terrible news over and over again, each time new.  Can anyone else understand what I mean?

Yes, that's it in a nutshell! I think that's why I have been surfing the net all the time and looking at all the message boards. A combined kind of "I have to come to terms with this soon" and "What!?! It CAN'T be true, and I can't process it" feeling. Reality is so entirely surreal that subconsciously I've been waiting for an equally surreal "Nope - it's not true, he's alive!!! " statement.

I looked at the full Ellen deGeneres clip from 2006, where she gives Heath a tiny Ennis costume for Matilda. That's been one of my favourite talkshow clips and I've seen it many times, lighthearted, alive.... Heath seemed quite at ease there, and so alive... and seemed so uncomfortable in many other interview situations.
I still can't wrap my mind around this.

This is so completely unlike me. Reacting with such intense grief for days on end. I normally am a very held-together person, also in emotionally distressing situations.

I'm beginning to wonder if it's the very fact that I didn't know him personally, he was an actor and I saw him in so many films, films where people died although they're walking around doing well inn RL today - perhaps that is a part of the reason for that which blurs the edges of reality of what has happened.

And yes, one week ago I remember someone commented how the Heath Heath Heath thread had become so active of late, nearly overtaking Jake's thread in number of posts - and never ever could I have imagined the horrible reason that Heath's thread would shoot past Jake's.

[Sandy]

Does anybody else here keep having the experience of going, "WHAT?  HEATH LEDGER WHAT?" practically every single time you see the horrible words?  I have found out the terrible news over and over again, each time new.  Can anyone else understand what I mean?

It's so unbelieveable, unreal.  I was watching the news before I went to work and the presenter's words were, "The actior, Heath Ledger, has been found...[sorry, not going to finish with the word we all know comes next]".  But I knew as soon as she said his name, I knew in my stomach.  It was like slow motion and I just didn't want to see the rest of the broadcast.

Actually, the one thing I couldn't get out of my mind for the first hour that day was that I felt I had abandoned him.  This sounds SOOO stupid, but I always watch the ten o'clock news before going to sleep and the day he passed away,  I didn't.  I said to my hubby that I was too tired to watch and went to sleep.  I didn't find out until the next morning and I feel like I let him down, I should have known about it sooner and thought of him before I did.

Everyone here helps so much.  As soon as I got to work, I popped into chat.  It was busy, but quiet, not really chatting at all.  Everyone just taking time and occasionally saying something about the sadness and disbelief.  It was so comforting knowing they were there, thinking the same as me, feeling the same as me. 

I am only just now feeling that I can get involved and althuogh the disbelief is still present, it's starting to sink in.  So thank you everyone for still being here, now that I feel ready to talk properly again. 

[Sandy]

I normally am a very held-together person, also in emotionally distressing situations.

Me too. 

[Rayn]

I've been trying to get my head around why I'm experiencing the level of grief I am right now. Never in my life before have I felt this saddened by the passing of a celebrity, someone I never knew personally. And perhaps that's the nub of it. In a weird, metaphysical kinda way, I do  feel like I knew Heath. No, not because he was a fellow Australian. No, I think the reason I feel this way is because I always felt an extremely close, intimate even, bond with Ennis. With no disrespect to the loving memory of our dear Heath, I think my extreme grief may be coming from the feeling I have that it's Ennis who has died. That it is, in fact, Ennis who I am mourning. Here's a little farewell gift, just from me to you, little darlin'. Safe journey home, precious one.

Dear Kerry,

     I feel the same way, as you and others too.  It's like Ennis died, and I never realized I LOVED him until he died.  Others have even gone as far as to say appropriately, "Ennis (or Heath) I swear..."   Why did I love him?  To understand this is to come to terms with feelings hard to get at or comprehend, but I know, as a writer myself, that art touches the heart and mind and sometimes changes lives.  Heath was a great artist, as great as Annie Proulx who gave him the character he brought to life.  His own skills at communicating feelings, meaning, depth of character and mind were just beginning to reach a peak that would have continued to heighten had he lived.  The impact of his untimely death is all the stronger and harder to accept because of that.

     I remember meeting the great folk singer Judy Collins in a situation that allowed a conversation with her.  Part of what I told her was that I "felt" as if I knew her.  She wanted to know what I meant.  I told her that I had listened to and lived with her music for years and that she had given so much of herself in her art, so I felt I "knew" her from her art.  This is a fact.  A singer, poet, actor, artist gives mind, heart and spirit in creating art.  We in fact, did know Health; we knew that part of him he gave in films. That is the miracle of art.  He gave us "Ennis" as no other would and, I believe, no other could.  It was part of his reason for being alive.   Ennis is alive, he lives in the art Heath Ledger gave us.

     There is great sadness at the loss of such a person, but I am grateful for his gifts.  The disbelief some of us feel is part of the grieving process that happens when a great loss occurs and a great loss has happened to anyone who was touched my Ledger's intelligent spirit, probing mind and deep heart.  I've come again to this thread because of grief.  I need to let go and go on.  We all, in our own time, will do that.   I'm offering this prayer by John Donne, beautiful words of a great poet for a beautiful man.  I've edited two words to fit the occasion.   For me it says what I need to say right now... 

    Bring him, O Lord God, at last awakening,
into the house and gate of heaven,
to enter into that gate and dwell in that house where there shall be
no darkness nor dazzling, but one equal light;
no noise nor silence, but one equal music;
no fears nor hopes, but one equal possession;
no ends nor beginnings, but one equal eternity...

Farewell, Heath...
Your gift was like friendship to me, thank you for giving so generously of yourself.   

Rayn

[Kerry]

Bring him, O Lord God, at last awakening,
into the house and gate of heaven,
to enter into that gate and dwell in that house where there shall be
no darkness nor dazzling, but one equal light;
no noise nor silence, but one equal music;
no fears nor hopes, but one equal possession;
no ends nor beginnings, but one equal eternity...

Farewell Heath, I felt I knew you like a friend; thank you for giving so generously of yourself.     

Rayn

Thank you, Rayn, for your beautiful, comforting message. 

[Sandy]

A Scot's Farewell

When I come to the end of the road
And the sun has set for me
I want no tears in a gloom-filled room
Why cry for a soul set free?

Miss me a little but not for long
And not with your head bowed low
Remember the love that we once shared
Miss me but let me go.

For this is a journey we all must take
And each must go alone
It’s all a part of the master plan
A step on the road to home.

When you are lonely and sick of heart
Go to the friend we know
And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds
Miss me … but let me go …

[Rayn]

You're welcome Kerry, and thank you for helping me deal a bit more with the process.

[Katie77]

I've just watched  Brokeback Mountain.....one of the cable movie stations is showing five of Heath's movies today....

Earlier I watched "10 Things I Hate about You"......and all I could see was this beautiful young man, so full of life, full of  future...a smile that was so wide it seemed to go from one ear to the other...what a lovely lovely young man.

Even though I have a well worn copy of the dvd of BBM, I wanted to watch it on TV.....I think because I knew that there were others out there watching it at the same time.....for some a repeat viewing, and for some, a first viewing....and I was hoping that some of those people out there watching it with me, would get the message, get the same feeling I got two years ago.....I knew it must be happening to someone, maybe many, out there, I just knew.

This time, though, when I watched it, it was always on my mind, that Heath was now gone...

I actually looked at things, and saw things in the movie in a way that I had never seen them before that related to how I am feeling NOW, TODAY.
I felt the frustration that Jack was feeling, as he tried to cling on to Ennis, hanging on to the few moments he shared with him, and the emptiness he felt when it was time to say good-bye. After the dozy embarace scene, when Ennis said, "Ive got to go now"....I wanted to yell, "no no dont go"and as Jack watched him leave, I felt the emptiness even more than I have felt it before for him, becasue now, I could really feel that emptiness.

When I heard the song "I Dont Want to Say Good-bye"...I thought, "thats it, I DONT want to say good-bye".....

When I watched the second tent scene, and the reunion scene, I thought of the closeness, the intimacy, that Jake and Heath must have felt doing those scenes.....I know they were only acting, but, their lips still touched, their arms still wrapped around each others bodies, they had to feel something special there.

When I heard the song at the end "He Was a Friend of Mine"....so poignant....so true.

When I read all the posts here, I feel like I did when I first joined the board, and read what people were feeling after they watched the movie....THEN it was "hey, thats how I felt, hey, thats what I was feeling"....and NOW its, "yes, I am feeling that too, I am saying that too".....

There seems no reason nor explanation as to why this has happened to Heath....he wasn't old, he wasn't sick, its like, it was a mistake, a terrible terrible mistake.....

[souxi]

I've just watched  Brokeback Mountain.....one of the cable movie stations is showing five of Heath's movies today....

Earlier I watched "10 Things I Hate about You"......and all I could see was this beautiful young man, so full of life, full of  future...a smile that was so wide it seemed to go from one ear to the other...what a lovely lovely young man.

Even though I have a well worn copy of the dvd of BBM, I wanted to watch it on TV.....I think because I knew that there were others out there watching it at the same time.....for some a repeat viewing, and for some, a first viewing....and I was hoping that some of those people out there watching it with me, would get the message, get the same feeling I got two years ago.....I knew it must be happening to someone, maybe many, out there, I just knew.

This time, though, when I watched it, it was always on my mind, that Heath was now gone...

I actually looked at things, and saw things in the movie in a way that I had never seen them before that related to how I am feeling NOW, TODAY.
I felt the frustration that Jack was feeling, as he tried to cling on to Ennis, hanging on to the few moments he shared with him, and the emptiness he felt when it was time to say good-bye. After the dozy embarace scene, when Ennis said, "Ive got to go now"....I wanted to yell, "no no dont go"and as Jack watched him leave, I felt the emptiness even more than I have felt it before for him, becasue now, I could really feel that emptiness.

When I heard the song "I Dont Want to Say Good-bye"...I thought, "thats it, I DONT want to say good-bye".....

When I watched the second tent scene, and the reunion scene, I thought of the closeness, the intimacy, that Jake and Heath must have felt doing those scenes.....I know they were only acting, but, their lips still touched, their arms still wrapped around each others bodies, they had to feel something special there.

When I heard the song at the end "He Was a Friend of Mine"....so poignant....so true.

When I read all the posts here, I feel like I did when I first joined the board, and read what people were feeling after they watched the movie....THEN it was "hey, thats how I felt, hey, thats what I was feeling"....and NOW its, "yes, I am feeling that too, I am saying that too".....

There seems no reason nor explanation as to why this has happened to Heath....he wasn't old, he wasn't sick, its like, it was a mistake, a terrible terrible mistake.....

Very well said Katie. That,s exactly what I think, that Heaths, untimely death was simply a terrible accident. One that has left his family and close friends, devastated. As for us, I think it,s fair to say we are all shellshocked. That,s how I feel anyway, shellshocked. I also can,t get that last song they play at the end of BBM, when Ennis shuts the wardrobe door in the trailer, out of my mind. It seems crazy to mourn the death of someone I didn,t even know, except on the telly, but I can,t help it. I just feel so sad. Poor little Matilda will have to grow up without her daddy. Michelle will have to find the strenght to go on without him somehow, and as for Jake, he must be in bits. Has anyone heard anything from him yet? Being in the UK I don,t have access to your news stations.
God bless brown eyes.  xxxxxx