Woman decides full-time mothering isn't for her

[Monika]

It´s a good thing that women dare to be more honest about motherhood. There is this notion that motherhood just comes naturally to all women, and this is far from the truth. I think many women have doubts and it´s a good thing if they come to know they are not alone.

[Kelda]

Yes, I read that she didn't make the decision until after she had them. But this isn't buying a car or a house. This is a human being. Anyone having a child know that this is a long haul decision and should be prepared to be in it for the long haul. Whether they suddenly realise too late its not their ideal lifestyle or not.

And I'm talking both men and women and here.

I've read Katherine's great article elsewhere on the foum and I see her point. But what I'm saying is that you can't (well some do, my BIL is a prime example - he hasn't seen or been in contact with his kids in 3 years and he lives 6 miles away, so maybe I should say you shouldn't) suddenly decide that it isn't for you and not be any more involved. It's not like turning a tap off when it comes to kids.

People make decisions that are bad all the time.  We usually give them some options.

Notice she didn't make the decision until AFTER she had them.  I'm sure beforehand she'd swallowed whole the myth that having children would make her feel like a 'real woman' whole and fulfilled.  It didn't.

Now what are her options?

According to many of the posters on that article and here as well, she's just stuck.  She has NO choices and so she needs to put on a fake happy face and just go through the motions for another decade or so.

Really?  Do you think she'll be able to keep up that facade of a happy, good mother?

Do you think her kids and family won't notice?

Unlikely.  Sooner or later she will take it out on her husband, her children and those around her.

Now MEN seem to have options.  If they have kids and then decide they're not really into them, they can disappear to work, to the golf course, into themselves and be emotionally absent and distant and then of course, to divorce because family life wasn't for them.  So long as they pick up the check, the criticism for them seems to be extremely light and absent.

But mothers will be vilified if they don't fit into the mold of how society thinks mothers should be, despite the fact that women are PEOPLE first and not all the same.

I thought women's rights were all about getting society to realize women were people.  Apparently some still think women should be forced into gender roles and not have any choices.

Not me and not this woman and not quite a few working moms I've talked to over the years who had to whisper to me their dislike of mothering and their enjoyment of work.  They had to whisper.  I think that's what's "sick".

[Jeff Wrangler]

Personally my opinion is if you have decided to be a parent, and then decide later actually I don't want to do this, well I don't think its acceptable for either a man or woman to do this.

You made a decision, you should stand by that decision.

Of course, where there is a divorce and the parents can't live together thats a different scenario because this is the best thing for the kids to have 2 happy parents to look after them, and evidently it normally ends up that one parent takes up more of the caring role than the other.

Do I think it should always be the woman? No, I think individual circumstances are much more important to consider.

I agree with you, Kelda.  Once you bring a child into the world, you can't play Bartleby the Scrivener and decide "I'd prefer not to" be a parent.

Interesting, but IIRC, some people also thought Ennis should have ditched his daughters to be with Jack. But maybe my memory is confused.  

Wouldn't be the first time.  

Edit: Comment re: Ennis revised.

[Marge_Innavera]

Strangely, I have never seen such outrage from the moral high horse about successful business-men, travelling continents 48 weeks a year. They may well see much less of their children than the woman in the article, they may well be much less involved in their childrens' daily life - but hey, they do have a penis, so it's ok. Double standard, as Della already said in the OP.

Here's a quote from the original article that IMO sums it up:

The idea that a mother could love her children and still choose to leave them to pursue her own goals is the antithesis of being a 'Tiger Mother'—Amy Chua ignited a fiery debate with the release of her book about being a perfection-demanding Eastern-style parent, omnipresent in her daughters' lives. It also goes against our culture's definition of motherhood. But it shines a light on a glaring double standard: When a man chooses not to be a full-time parent, it's acceptable—or, at least, accepted. But when a woman decides to do so, it's abandonment.

The matter of pop-culture fads in raising human beings, e.g., the "Tiger Mother" (presumably in the same category as "Mama Grizzly") is another subject.  I'm not sure a 'tiger' or 'helocopter' mom would be that much an improvement over an absent one..

[milomorris]

If you read the comments, you will see that the double-standard is alive and well.  Women who have kids are mothers, first, foremost and always and should subjugate their lives to their kids.  Period.

I agree with you that such is an extreme viewpoint. At the same time I will say that any parent--man or woman--must put their children at the top of the priority list.

Any attempts to lead your own life after you have kids will be met with contempt and derision.

One is free to lead one's life. Once one has children, they become part of one's life. If one is leading one's life in a way that does not include the interests of one's children, then one has earned the contempt and derision of one's peers

[Shasta542]

I don't think that mothers or fathers should be subjugated to their children. They had them and it's their responsibility to teach them and to raise them to be good citizens for the world. Leaving them merely to pursue their own desires, whether mom or dad, does a disservice to the children and to the world.  Otherwise, use birth control.

[Kelda]

I don't think that mothers or fathers should be subjugated to their children.

I had to look that up!

[Shasta542]

I had to look that up!

 

Happens to me all the time!

[Luvlylittlewing]

I could never decide not to be a mother to my daughter.  I'm not judging that poor woman, but when I became a parent I resolved to but my child first and vowed to be there for her always.  I've never understood how a parent, male or female, could just walk away.

[Shasta542]

I could never decide not to be a mother to my daughter.  I'm not judging that poor woman, but when I became a parent I resolved to but my child first and vowed to be there for her always.  I've never understood how a parent, male or female, could just walk away.

  You are a great and loving mother! With a wonderful and lucky daughter.