Kerry's Komedy Klub

[Katie77]

NAG – NAG – NAG!!!

An attorney arrived home late after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his client.
His last minute plea to the governor for clemency had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the do or at home, his wife started on him: “What time of night to be getting home is this?
Where have you been?  Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it” . . . . .  and on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub - - - pursued by his wife and her predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all.
Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, and how terribly inconsiderate she had been, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

“They're not hanging Wright tonight!” she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'



 
 

[David In Indy]

Martha's husband was cremated when he passed. Picking up the urn, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. "You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!" "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I bought it with the insurance money!" "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, insurance money!" Finally, she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes!!"

[David In Indy]

Husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in cart. Wife barks, "What do you think you're doing?" The husband replies, "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans." The wife says, "Put them back, we can't afford them." A few aisles further the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream & puts it in the basket. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. The wife says, "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful." Her husband fires back, "So do 24 cans of beer & they're half the price!"

[Katie77]

If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through ? You'll love this!
 
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
 
 The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.
 
 The room was full of workers, and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay.
Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said,

"Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
 
 
 
 
 



 

[Katie77]

A man walks into a bank, and after waiting for 20 minutes in line, he goes straight to a customer service rep. and says, "Hey, lady, I got this here check for deposit and I'll be goddamned if I am going to wait my ass in line anymore." "Please", says the woman. "I won't have that kind of language in this bank." "Well excuse me, but this fuckin' check ain't drawing any goddamned interest with you yappin' away about my language." "Sir, I don't have to take this abuse" she says. "Well then let's get the fuckin' manager okay? I mean what kind of shit is this I have to take from you?" The manager is summoned, and says "What seems to be the problem?" The woman says, "This man is using vulgar language and I won't stand for it." The man says "Hey alls I'm trying to do in this goddamned bank, for Christ's sake is deposit this fuckin' check for 15 million dollars." The manager looks at the check and then at the man and says "And this fuckin' bitch won't help you?"

[Katie77]

[Katie77]

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher,
                                  "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying,
                                                       " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"
 
Reaching into his rear jeans pocket, he removed his badge and proudly showed it to the rancher.
               "See this badge?!  This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !!  No questions asked or answers given!!  Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, lowered his gaze, and then went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......




With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety.  The officer was clearly terrified.
 
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....   

 

 

 

 

 

             



 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

   
 
"Your badge, show him your ******* BADGE........ ! !"
 


 

[Front-Ranger]

Very funny friend!!  

Also, I got Akinator to work on my mac, finally! It guessed Philip Petit and Danny Torrance easily, but it took 60 questions to guess MacIntyre, the main character in Local Hero!

It took about 40 questions to guess Orlando, the character in the movie and novel by Virginia Wolff!

I was surprised that it took 57 questions for him to guess John Malkovitch!! I would love to stump this guy. I think I will try Roberta Maxwell next.

Later add: Akinator didn't even know Roberta Maxwell! But he did guess a lot of beautful red haired actresses, some of my favorites!!

[Katie77]

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Nick's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Nick's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Nick sitting there with a tent set up,

firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Shit Nick, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife

came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'"

I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom.. The room had candles and rose petals all over.

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am !!!!

[Meryl]