Kerry's Komedy Klub

[Kerry]

[Kerry]

[Katie77]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
 A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:


  Dear Sir,
 
 Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.


 The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:


 Dear Sir,
 Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
 
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.   We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.




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[Katie77]

......and while we are on the subject of wooden legs.......heres a few "McCartney" jokes......


News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. 'He has been my crutch for so long'! She said in an earlier briefing, 'I have no idea why this has happened, I'm really stumped'


After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever consider going down on One Knee again  - Paul said he would prefer it if we called her Heather.



Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause. 'Macca couldn't handle it anymore' a friend said, 'he would get home at night and find her legless'


Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.



Finally a poem by Sir Paul McCartney:

  I lay upon a grassy bank My hands were all a quiver I slowly removed her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river


dont blame me.....i dont write em...I just send em on....

[Shasta542]

Boobie Hubblebutt!!! LOL.

[dot-matrix]

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says
to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative
state dependent on a machine. If that happens, just pull the
plug."

So his wife gets up and unplugs the TV

[dot-matrix]

She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in and she turned and said, " You've got to make
love to me at this very moment."

His eyes lit up and he thought, "This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then
gave it his all, right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg-timer is broken."

[dot-matrix]

An old lady was lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep
her company. So off she went to the pet shop. She searched
and searched. But none of the pets seemed to catch her
interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he
was in , she looked and he winked at her.

He whispered, "I'm so lonely too. Buy me and take me home.
You won't ever be sorry."

The old lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything
else. So she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the
front seat beside her.

As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to
her, "Kiss me and you won't be sorry."

So, the old lady figured, "What the heck," and kissed the frog.
Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy,
young, handsome prince.

The prince returned the old lady's kiss.
Suddenly the old lady felt herself transforming from his kiss.

Now can you guess what the old lady turned into?

COME ON GUESS !
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OOOOOOOOHHHHHH COME ON ~~ DON'T BE A POOP !

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She turned into the first Holiday Inn she could find !!!

She's old . . . . NOT DEAD !!!!!! Old ladies Rock.

[dot-matrix]

When Cardboard Men Come in Handy.

A car gets a flat on the interstate one day. The blonde driver
eases it over on to the shoulder of the road, carefully steps
out of the car and opens the trunk. She takes out two card-
board men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the
vehicle. facing oncoming traffic.

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their
nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up.
It isn't very long before a police car arrives.

The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the
disabled vehicle yelling, "What's going on here ?"
My car broke down, officer," says the blonde calmly.

"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures
doing here by the road ?" he asks.

"Hellllooooooo!!!!! " says the blonde. "These are my
emergency flashers !!"

[dot-matrix]

A husband and wife go to a counsellor after 15 years of
marriage. The counsellor asks them what the problem is
and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they
have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She
goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counsellor gets up, goes around the desk,
embraces the woman and kisses her passionately, rips off
her clothes and makes mad passionate love to her.
Needless to say, the woman shuts up and the sits quietly
with a very satisfied look on her face.

The counsellor turns to the husband and says, "That is
what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you
do that ?"

The husband thinks for a moment and then replies, "Well,
I can get her here Mondays and Wednesdays, but Fridays
I play golf."