I am feeling like fabienne, that I need to watch it. (When I initially heard the news of Heath's death, I was someone who questioned whether they could watch it again.) It is what brought me here. If I had never watched that movie, I wouldn't be feeling all that I am feeling now. I think watching it again will somehow help to put me back together, if that makes any sense.
I kind of did the opposite... when I first heard, I knew immediately that I had to watch it, in Heath's memory. But I haven't yet, and as time goes on, I'm feeling less brave about it. I still think I will, though, and soon. At this point, I don't know if it will help put me back together, or pull me apart, but in a way, either seems like a good thing.
When I was listening to music on my iPod today, I noticed something odd... the songs that I used to listen to a lot, before, and that have nothing at all to do with Heath or death or BBM... those are the ones I cannot now listen to. I don't want to move on to something different, that doesn't include this person and this experience... I don't want to go back to the types of things I used to think about before. Not even for the length of a song. It's just too soon, I think.
But on the other hand... and this is my answer to Katherine's original question... the evening of the day that Heath died, I just sat under a blanket on the sofa for a couple of hours, all numb, and watched whatever happened to be on TV, and I don't remember much of it except for one line. I was watching an episode of 'House', and they had a patient who was angry at the doctors because it turned out he was NOT going to die, contrary to an earlier diagnosis. And one of the doctors... I can't remember his name... said to House: "Dying is easy. Living is the hard thing".
I don't necessarily agree with the first part, and it almost seems like a callous statement if applied to Heath, and that' s not how I'm applying it... I don't think his dying was 'easy', and I don't think he wanted to go or had any choice about it. But I understand the second part...'Living is the hard thing'... really living... not the kind of existance where you try to get away with half-living, with being less than conscious of what's going on around you.
So, with that resonating inside my head, I got up from the sofa and did my taxes. Not my 2007 ones... no, not early... late... my 2006 taxes, which I had been avoiding and avoiding, at least in part because, well, in 2006, when I got completely obsessed with BBM and posting on IMDB, my self-employment income took such and enormous and self-inflicted dive, and it was messy and bad and I just didn't want to revisit it. But I did. I just sat down and got it all done, on the night of Heath's death, because, well, 'living is hard'.
Living is hard, and we have no choice. And I don't believe Heath had any choice about his dying, and that's hard too... incredibly so... and it seems almost random, what we will or will not be given, but whatever it is, I think we have a duty to life, and to all the beautiful moments and beautiful people of life, to just stick with it and get it done.
So, that's how my life will change now. I will deal with all the hard sh it without hiding. That's the plan, anyway.
I know I am babbling on and on for someone who has barely posted here before. I must be feeling at home