Kerry's Komedy Klub

[Katie77]

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a
>> bottle on the sand & picked it up.
>>
>> Suddenly, a female Genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said,
>> 'Master, may I grant you one wish?'
>>
>> Osama responded, 'You ignorant, unworthy Daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you
>> know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything.'
>>
>> The shocked Genie said, 'Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be
>> returned to that bottle forever.'
>>
>> Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the
>> woman and said, 'Very well, I want to awaken with three American
>> women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you.'
>>
>> The annoyed Genie said, 'So be it!' and disappeared.
>>
>> The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya
>> Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side.
>>
>> His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health
>> insurance.
>>
>> God is good

[Katie77]

Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,'she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, “How does that feel”?
He replied: “It feels marvellous, but I still think my thumb's broken.”
 

[Katie77]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The
 Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the
  Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days.
But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.
What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in
 Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his
 back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and
 spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have very fine
and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days.
What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him,
and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across
the plains and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time
with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone
Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a
man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow ,"What is your last
request?"
The Lone Ranger responds," I'd like to speak to my horse....ALONE."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone
 Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him
square in the eye and says,
"Listen very carefully, you dickhead, for the last time..........
BRING POSSE!!!!
 
 

[dot-matrix]

Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.

She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.

He stated that it was OK, because he loved her soooo much.

However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity from birth. Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said, 'I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope that you can deal with that - once we are married.'

She said, 'Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant sized penis.'

Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.

Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another.
 
As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants - she began to scream and ran out of the room!

Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.

'You told me that your penis was the size of an infant!', she said.

'Yes it is... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, and 19 inches long!'

[Katie77]

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the f**kin' skippin'
 
 
 
 

[Kerry]

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the f**kin' skippin'
 
 

               

[Kerry]

[underdown]

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

[underdown]

A Polish immigrant went to the Motor Registry to apply for a driver's license, and had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters   'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

[Katie77]

A dwarf with a lisp visits a stud farm.

'I'd like to buy a horth', he says to the owner of the farm.

'What sort of horse?' asks the owner.

'A female horth,' the dwarf replies.

So the owner shows him a mare.

'Nithe horth,' says the dwarf, 'Can I thee her eyeth?'

So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's eyes and puts him down again.

'Nithe eyeth', says the dwarf, 'Can I thee her teeth?'

Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's teeth and puts him down.

'Nithe teeth... may I now see her eerth?' the dwarf says.

By now the owner is getting a little fed up, but again picks up the
dwarf to show him the horse's ears and then puts him down.

'Nithe eerth,' he says. 'Now... can I see her twot?'

'With this, the owner picks the dwarf up, and, holding him by the
scruff of his neck and the back of his belt, shoves his head deep
inside the horse's vagina. He holds him there for a couple of seconds
before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says, 'Perhaps I should weefwaze that:

Can I see her wun awound?