Kerry's Komedy Klub

[Kerry]

[dot-matrix]

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a
large raging violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first
man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."

Poof ! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to
swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give
me strength and the tools to cross the river."

Poof ! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and legs and he
was able to row across the river in about an hour after almost
capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed,
"God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to
cross the river.

Poof ! He was turned into a woman, She checked the map, hiked
one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

[dot-matrix]

Two sisters had inherited a ranch and were in need of a bull.
They have only $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette
tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the
bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it
home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the
bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her
that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she
drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to
tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and
says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her
that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch
the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we
can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to
help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well,
after paying for the bull, the brunette has only $1 left.
She realizes that she'll be able to send her sister just
one word.
 
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I
want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'"

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going
to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup
truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your
ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. The
word's big.

She'll read it very slowly: 'com-for-da-bull'!"

[dot-matrix]

A cowboy in Texas got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding.

The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The cowboy said, "Having some problem with Circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well, yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of Circle flies."

So the cowboy says, "Well, Circle flies are common on ranches. See, they're called Circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

The cowboy says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the cowboy says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

[underdown]

A duck wandered into a Stockbroker's office and knocked on the counter.
The Stockbroker came out of the back room and, seeing no-one, turned to go back.
The duck knocked again, and the man, puzzled, looked over the counter.
'Hi there, I'd like to buy some shares', said the duck.
But ..... but ..... you're a DUCK, said the man.
'So?' said the duck.
'And you can TALK'.
'Yeah, an I'd like ta buy some shares'.
The Stockbroker was dumbfounded, but asked the duck inside and gave him a seat.
'How can a duck afford to buy shares?' he asked.
Well, said the duck. I'm a Bricklayer on the building site 'cross the road, and I wanna be rich before I retire. I can afford to invest $500 a month. Is that 'nough to make me rich'?
'Hey, tell you what', said the Stockbroker. 'If you want to be rich, I know a guy who owns a Circus. He'd pay you a FORTUNE if you went to work for him!'
'Well ..... I dunno', said the duck. 'I'm doin ok where I am'.
'Think about it', said the Stockbroker. 'Easy work, travel, fame and fortune, living the free life under canvas  .......
'Yeah, well that all sounds pretty good', said the duck.
But why would they wanna Bricklayer?

Rob

[underdown]

Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says: 'I need you because I love you.'
(quoted from dot-matrix)

Now THAT'S one of the bestermost, dot-matrix.

[Dagi]

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South
and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the
picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of
coconut whiskey. But they are happy because at least the
English aren't having any fun.

 

[Dagi]

"God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to
cross the river.

Poof ! He was turned into a woman, She checked the map, hiked
one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

            

[Dagi]

Hard to fool them flies, though....

When I need some cheering up I come here, and I never get disappointed, guys. Thank you so much for posting all these great jokes!!

[Kerry]