I've been posting on "Bettermost" for a few months and this is the first time that I have noticed the "Introduce Yourself" thread. Well, howdy.... I sure would like to do that.
I actually first placed these thoughts below on our brother web site "Ennisjack" because I noticed a thread called "Do you have your "brokeback mountain"? But it looks like "Introduce Yourself" would be the appropriate thread to tell this story on"Bettermost". Sorry this is so long, I just couldn't tell it in any other way.
I had a long-running Brokeback type of experience for several decades. My "Ennis" and I grew up in the same small town in Texas back in the 1960's and 1970's. Chris and I were born only 3 days apart, and his parents owned the land next to my family's place. My earliest memories are of Chris, running together, playing, and wading in his parent's pool. I have a treasured picture of Chris and I being taught how to wade in the pool by his older brother and my older sister - we were both about 4 years old. Chris and I attended the same schools together : elementary, jr.high, and high school. This was a small town, so we usually were in the same classroom, and with alphabetical attendance seating and his last name only one letter away from mine, we always sat near to each other.
Chris's dad was in the same business as my dad, in fact they worked together on several projects, his family attended our church, our mothers were in the same civic organizations and sororities, and both his parents and mine were active in the same political party. The two families were so close that we often took vacations together. Chris was like a brother, that was fine by me because all I had was a sister, and because I was a little boy I wanted a brother.
My first memories of developing sexual / puppy love feelings were with Chris, maybe when I was 12. We used to sleep over at each others house and like a lot of young adolescents, we "messed around". Chris was responsive to me, and we really liked being intimate with each other. At the time, neither of us thought of it as anything other than being "naughty". We both dated girls in high school, but Chris was the one who took girls seriously. We were very closeted, living in denial in a homophobic environment. This continued thru high school, I have very happy memories of the times we would sneak off and drive down to the Gulf and use the spare key to stay in my parent's beach house. Chris would take his guitar along and sing his favorite Beatles tunes. It was always just Chris and myself going to the beach, I guess that was one of our "Brokeback Mountain" times.
We both went off to college in Austin at the same time. Our paths in life began to diverge from each other. Our first year we shared some rooms in an off campus dorm. I was serious about school and enjoyed going to class and the general university environment.Chris on the other hand became involved
in the mid 70's "Cosmic Cowboy" scene, and dropped out of college never to return. I met Willie,Michael Murphy, Lester Threadgill, and several other CW greats while tagging along with Chris in that period. My path began to change when I discovered the "gay scene" on 6th street during this period. I loved the bars that were popular back then and had a blast meeting people. Once or twice tried to get Chris to go with me to one of them, but he got really defensive and told me that just wasn't his scene. He made it clear he wasn't happy that it was becoming my scene.
So, I began the journey of self-acceptance as a young gay man, but Chris stayed in denial. I knew that I was gay and I knew that I was in love with Chris.
I couldn't imagine not having him in my life. He was looking for a straight relationship and found several wonderful supportive women to share with him.
I liked all of Chris's girl friends and later his 2 wives, and they liked me. Chris and I kept seeing each other, and I never gave up on him. We would take trips outside of Austin together, we both liked "Enchanted Rock" near Fredricksburg, going there was like recapturing our times at the beach house. But when we got back to Austin, Chris would go back to a "straight life", he was closeted and somewhat homophobic, and I being less closeted and less homophobic would go back to being comfortable with gay friends. I never once told my gay friends about Chris. He was my precious secret. I received several questions about "who is visiting you at night when I knock on your door"? I just ignored the inquires, protecting our privacy. I had several gay affairs thru the years, some would last 2,3 or 5 years each. But, I always knew that Chris was there for me, and I was always there for him. I never even considered "quitting" him, and he never walked away from me.
Fast forwarding thru the decades, we saw each other once, sometimes several times each month for years. We had the ups and downs of relationships between two people who are on such divergent paths. Chris definitely drank too much at times, and never stopped getting "high" to ease his pain.
I was of the opinion that he had become "dependent" by the time he was 30. He would sometimes show up at my house drunk or high, I just dealt with it, he was always a sweet happy drunk, not violent or angry like many people who are dependent. My mother and I had discussed my feelings for Chris way back in the mid 80's. I learned then that she had known all along about us back when we were in high school, and discussed it with Chris's mom and my dad. They never mentioned this it to me until the mid-80's . I told my mom in the mid 80's that I wished she had brought it up earlier. She said that the three of them decided to keep it quiet in order to keep the news hidden from Chris's dad. They all agreed at the time his reaction would be violent.
In 1999 after his second marriage ended in divorce, he came over to my house depressed. He was blaming his ex-wife and women in general for his unhappiness, they "just don't understand me". I told Chris that night that perhaps he was failing with women because he wasn't able to give his heart to them completely. In clear declarative terms I told him that he was hurting himself and others by not being honest about his feelings for me. (The scene with Ennis and Cassie in the bus stop cafe hit home for me so hard I had to get up and leave the theater the first time I saw BBM). I will never forget the pain on his face as he said to me, "...you're probably right, but its too late to change habits now". I told him that was a bunch of BS, he didn't argue, he just laid back on the couch and fell asleep.
Two weeks later, my mother called me and broke the news that Chris had died in a traffic accident in California. My mother called because she wanted to break the news as gently as she could. Chris was only 42. It took me several years to get over an anger and a rage I had never known in my life. I felt that I had been cheated in life and I couldn't figure out who to blame. Finally, I met a wonderful young man named D.L. We have been dating for 5 years now, and I am very happy with him. He is a patient person who understands my grief, he has had to live with grief too. He too is a bit like Ennis ro Chris, quiet and closed mouthed. But, we have good times together and slowly he is accepting himself and is just beginning to see how homophobia has hurt his life.
When I go to the cemetary to tend to my parents graves, they passed on a few years back, I stop at Chris's grave. I tend to his grave as well. His mother passed on last year and I tidy her space as well. Brokeback Mountain has worked as a catharsis in me, it has allowed me to deal with my grief and memories. I feel a part of the Brokeback story - a secret relationship with a closeted man that ended sadly. But, it may surprise you that I feel lucky. I have loved a wonderful talented man over a large portion of my life, and I have been fortunate enough to find another wonderful man to love again. I will retire at the end of the year, I have been running my family's business since the death of my Aunt and my father's incapacitation in the late 90's. Now I will have more time to try to help men like Chris and Ennis and Jack and myself who have coped or failed to cope with the closet. I'm more excited and full of energy now about my future plans than I have ever been in my life.
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