Woman decides full-time mothering isn't for her

[louisev]

Social research has shown that losing contact with one parent after divorce is detrimental to children of any age  -- which is part of why even in cases of child abuse, the non-custodial parents are more and more being granted visitation because it is better for the children.  The problem is not that a woman wished to end her custodial parenthood - but that non-custodial parents who don't maintain an active relationship with their children is detrimental to their healthy development.

[Luvlylittlewing]

  You are a great and loving mother! With a wonderful and lucky daughter.   

Thanks, Sweetie!  I'm just a product of how I was raised.  I'm not saying the woman in the story had terrible role models, but I was raised by a woman who put my brother, my sister and I first in so many ways.  When my parents divorced my mom did little else besides work, sew for us, take us to church and cook meals.  She never dated, nor did she once leave us alone or with relatives - ever.  My dad was also selfless.  One day I was visiting him before he passed and he told me with a smile, "You guys liked a lot of money.  I had to work hard."

For me walking away from my child is not an option.  As Louise observed, children suffer when they're abandoned by either parent.  Being a single parent is hard, very hard, but I'm hanging in there, even though my daughter is now an adult and engaged.  I wouldn't have it any other way.

[pnwDUDE]

  The problem is not that a woman wished to end her custodial parenthood - but that non-custodial parents who don't maintain an active relationship with their children is detrimental to their healthy development.

Based on what some are saying here, Louise, that's apparantley ok so long as the parent (this woman in the case cited) feels good about herself. They could care less about the development of the children.

Brad

[Monika]

Thanks, Sweetie!  I'm just a product of how I was raised.  I'm not saying the woman in the story had terrible role models, but I was raised by a woman who put my brother, my sister and I first in so many ways.  When my parents divorced my mom did little else besides work, sew for us, take us to church and cook meals.  She never dated, nor did she once leave us alone or with relatives - ever.  My dad was also selfless.  One day I was visiting him before he passed and he told me with a smile, "You guys liked a lot of money.  I had to work hard."

I hear you, but from a child´s perspective I want my parents to be happy. I wouldn´t want my parents to basically give up their lives for me. I want them to live their lives cause seeing the parents happy makes the kids happy too. There is a way to be a parent AND to live your life.

[Monika]

Yes, I read that she didn't make the decision until after she had them. But this isn't buying a car or a house. This is a human being. Anyone having a child know that this is a long haul decision and should be prepared to be in it for the long haul. Whether they suddenly realise too late its not their ideal lifestyle or not.

And I'm talking both men and women and here.

I agree, but I think a point here is that if this had been a man, it had never made the news at all.
People are upset because it is woman.

[milomorris]

I agree, but I think a point here is that if this had been a man, it had never made the news at all.
People are upset because it is woman.

That's true. And I think a big part of that is that men ditch the women and kids so often that such a story about a man would read like "cat stuck in tree." Sad comment on what men have become. If society expected more from its men, abandonment would be less common.

[Kelda]

I agree, but I think a point here is that if this had been a man, it had never made the news at all.
People are upset because it is woman.

That's true. And I think a big part of that is that men ditch the women and kids so often that such a story about a man would read like "cat stuck in tree." Sad comment on what men have become. If society expected more from its men, abandonment would be less common.

Yeah, its a an annoying double standard. But I'm not sure that's Del's main point though? Correct me if I'm wrong Del!

 

[Luvlylittlewing]

I hear you, but from a child´s perspective I want my parents to be happy. I wouldn´t want my parents to basically give up their lives for me. I want them to live their lives cause seeing the parents happy makes the kids happy too. There is a way to be a parent AND to live your life.

No one is saying you have to give up your life.  My mom put us first, but she had a rich, full life, and still does at the age of 84.  Mothering to the extent of all else does make some people happy.  Besides, the children will grow up and be on their own so fast it'll make your head spin.  Well, most kids will, anyway.  I can remember when my adult daughter was just a babe in arms, and I'll tell you -- I don't know what happened to those years, they went so fast!

One other thing - I hope the kids she decided not to mother will forgive her and be there for her when/if she becomes a widow and unable to care for herself.

[louisev]

Based on what some are saying here, Louise, that's apparantley ok so long as the parent (this woman in the case cited) feels good about herself. They could care less about the development of the children.

Brad

no, exactly the opposite.  The lack of contact with a noncustodial parent is detrimental:  TO THE CHILDREN.  I would have thought from the context and the way I restated it a couple of times, that this is what is meant.

[delalluvia]

I had several points, guys.   

One point though:  the woman didn't abandon her children.  She just became the non-custodial parent.  She still sees her kids and is involved.

Quite a few men are in this position.  One of my points as Milo noted directly.  This is so common for men, it doesn't even make news or even blip people's consciences.  But this woman is dragged through the mud by the comment makers for doing the same.  Double standard.

Yes, children are not a car or a house.  But how do you 'try out' kids first, to know if you will or won't be a good parent?  Babysitting?  Not quite the same thing.  And it took her five years to come to her decision.  There is nothing that she could have done to determine whether she would or wouldn't be a good mother.

So while I'm sure plenty of people consider how children will effect their lives, they can't know the reality of it until they actually do do it, then of course, it's too late.

And no one should subjugate their lives for ANYone else.  Sure, kids should be a top priority, but they shouldn't be the be-all, end-all priority.