Kerry's Komedy Klub

[Katie77]

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office
and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with
frustration.
                   
                  "What troubles you, Sister?" asked the
Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with
your family."
                   
                  "It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went
to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often
as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I
devoted my life to Christ."
                   
                  "I seem to recall that," the Mother
Superior agreed. "So, I take it your day of recreation was
not relaxing?"
                   
                  "Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In
fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
                   
                  "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother
Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"
                   
                  "Well, we were on the fifth tee .... and
this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a
nasty dogleg left and a hidden green .... and I hit the
drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever
made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the
line I wanted ... and it hits this bird in mid-flight !"
                   
                  "Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How
unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme,
Sister!"
                   
                  "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister.
"While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this
squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off
down the fairway!"
                   
                  "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!"
sympathized the Mother.
                   
                  "But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister.
"And I was so proud of myself! An d while I was pondering
whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of
the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball
still clutched in his paws!"
                   
                  "So that's when you cursed," said the
Mother with a knowing smile.
                   
                  "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the
Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out
of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk
dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped
out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
                   
                  Mother Superior sat back in her chair,
folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a
baleful stare and said...
                   
                  "You missed the fucking putt, didn't
you?
           

[Katie77]

Definitions not in the dictionary
 

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born
and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:

Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:

The pain that drives you to extraction.

 TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have.  I have character lines

 

[Kerry]

[Kerry]

[Kerry]

[Kerry]

[CellarDweller]

 

[Kerry]

[Kerry]

[Katie77]

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early
> Retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a
> Bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
>
> The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a   Bonus of $72,000...
>
>
> The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He   walked Out with   $96,000.
>
>
> The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to  my testicles.'
>
> It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining  about the nice big schedules the previous two Officers  had received.  But old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical   Officer.
> 
>
>  The    Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which He did.
> 
>
> The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where Are your testicles?'
>
> The  Old Chief calmly replied,
>
> 'Vietnam'.