Kerry's Komedy Klub

[Kerry]

[Kerry]

[Penthesilea]

Too many!

[Katie77]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a
      Stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for
murder at midnight.

      His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had
      Failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.


      As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on
      Him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this?
      Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it."

      And on and on and on.

      Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went
      And poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot
      Soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as
      He dragged himself up the stairs.


      While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was
      Told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay
      Of execution after all, Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally
      Realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go
      Upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom
       Door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked,
      Drying his legs and feet. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
      To which he whirled around and screamed,

      "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN,

       DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!"

[Kerry]

[Katie77]

A little 73 year old lady had always wanted to join a local bikers' club.
One day she goes up and knocks on a biker's door. A big, hairy, bearded
biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, 'I want to
join your club.'


The guy was quite amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker
requirements in order to join he explains. The biker asks; 'Do you have a
motorcycle?'

The little old lady replies, 'Yep, my bike's parked over there' and
points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.

The biker asks, 'Do you drink?'

The little old lady replies, 'Yep, drink like a fish. I'll drink
everyone in your club under the table.'

The biker asks, 'Do you smoke?'

The little old lady replies, 'Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 2
packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple more in the
evening, while I'm shooting pool.'

The biker is very impressed and asks, 'Last question, have you ever been
picked up by the fuzz?'

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, 'Nope, but I've been
swung around by my nipples a few times.'

 

 

 

[Katie77]

COINCIDENCE


A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.


The woman perked up and said, 'How about that?  I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer said.  'This is a special day for me.  I am celebrating.'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.
''What a coincidence!' said the farmer.


As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'


'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence!' said the man.  'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilised eggs.'
'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence'.



 


 

[Katie77]

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said,  ' Hi. You know, I
 just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'
 
The social worker behind the counter said, ' Your  timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur
and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
 
You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will
supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll a lso be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
 
This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job 
assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and
has a rather strong sex drive..
 
A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. Located
above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is
$200,000 a year.'
 
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're bullsh--tin' me!
 
The social worker said, ' Yeah, well.. You started it.'

 

[Kerry]

[Kerry]