Kerry's Komedy Klub

[Kerry]

[Kerry]

[Zander]

A blond city girl named Amy marries a Colorado  rancher.
   
One morning, on his way   out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,
   
'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows
today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's
stall is in the barn.Please show him where the cow is when he gets
here,  OK?'
   
   
The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the
artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
   
Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and
when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'
   
The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blond, asks, 'Tell me
lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the
right cow to be bred?'
   
   
'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she
explains very confidently.
   
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the
nail for?'
   
The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,
   
   'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'
   
   
(It's nice to see a blond winning once in awhile.)
 

[Kerry]

[Mandy21]

                    IMPORTANT MESSAGE:

You've heard about people who have been abducted and had
their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years
ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs.
It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of
cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to
mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs.
Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my
life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again.

My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they
took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had
stuck me with earlier. But my new butt was attached at least
three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to
give up my jeans in favour of long skirts.

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One
morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the
flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of
the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was
being replaced one section at a time.
What could they do to me next?

When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with
a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the
world wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons
are using REAL replacement body parts - stolen from you and
me! The next time someone you know has something 'lifted',
look again - was it lifted from you?

THIS IS NOT A HOAX.
This is happening to women everywhere
every night.

WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

P. S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my Boobs. I was
lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of
bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in
my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my
waistband.

Thought this was too 'important' not to pass on.. Have a
wonderful day - with a joy filled heart. Always remember to
laugh!! Helps the heart AND the wrinkles!!

p.p. s. Those same thieves come in my closet and shrink my
clothes! How do they do it?

[CellarDweller]

rotlfmao!

Mandy, I read that over the phone to my mom, she was hysterical!

[Kerry]

[Kerry]

The Top Ten things that would be different if the Disciples were Gay:

10.) Priests would not get married.....wait a minute....

9.) Jesus wouldn't wear a white robe after Labor Day.

8.) Fewer "Sermons on the Mount", more "Musicals".

7.) Gospels would be Matthew, Mark, Luke and Bruce.

6.) Virgin Mary's hair would be flawless.

5.) Would not have chased money changers out of the temple - they would have redecorated.

4.) Turn water into dry martinis with just a splash of curacao for color.

3.) Instead of the Last Supper, it would have been the Last Brunch with cabaret.

2.) Replace the Beatitudes with "Fabulous are they. . ."

1.) Triumphant Entry just screams for a Drag number.

[Kerry]

HETEROSEXUAL QUESTIONNAIRE

This questionnaire is for self-avowed heterosexuals only.  If you are not openly heterosexual, pass it on to a friend who is.  Please try to answer the questions as candidly as possible.  Your responses will be held in strict confidence and your anonymity fully protected.

1.  What do you think caused your heterosexuality?

2.  When and how did you first decide you were a heterosexual?

3.  Is it possible your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out of?

4.  Could it be that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?

5.  If you’ve never slept with a person of the same sex, how can you be sure you wouldn’t prefer that?

6.  To whom have you disclosed your heterosexual tendencies? How did they react?

7.  Why do heterosexuals feel compelled to seduce others into their lifestyle?

8.  Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality?  Can’t you just be what you are and keep it quiet?

9.  Would you want your children to be heterosexual, knowing the problems they’d face?

10. A disproportionate majority of child molesters are heterosexual men.  Do you consider it safe to expose children to heterosexual male teachers, pediatricians, priests, or scoutmasters?

11. With all the societal support for marriage, the divorce rate is spiraling.  Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?

12.  Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?

13. Considering the menace of overpopulation, how could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual?

14. Could you trust a heterosexual therapist to be objective?  Don’t you fear s/he might be inclined to influence you in the direction of her/his own leanings?

15. Heterosexuals are notorious for assigning themselves and one another rigid, stereotyped sex roles.  Why must you cling to such unhealthy role-playing?

16. With the sexually segregated living conditions of military life, isn’t heterosexuality incompatible with military service? 
 
17. How can you enjoy an emotionally fulfilling experience with a person of the other sex when there are such vast differences between you?  How can a man know what pleases a woman sexually or vice-versa?
 
18. Shouldn’t you ask your far-out straight cohorts, like skinheads and born-agains, to keep quiet?  Wouldn’t that improve your image?

19. Why are heterosexuals so promiscuous?

20. Why do you attribute heterosexuality to so many famous lesbian and gay people?  Is it to justify your own heterosexuality?

21. How can you hope to actualize your God-given homosexual potential if you limit yourself to exclusive, compulsive heterosexuality?
     
22. There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals.  Techniques have been developed that might enable you to change if you really want to.  After all, you never deliberately chose to be a heterosexual, did you?  Have you considered aversion therapy or Heterosexuals Anonymous?

Courtesy Martin Rochlin, Ph.D., © 1972 

[Kerry]

Supposedly a true story:

An employee of USAir with the last name of Gay boarded a USAir flight with a free travel voucher. Soon after he sat down, someone else came and claimed he had the same seat assignment, so Mr. Gay moved down do an empty seat.

Soon after that the airplane began to fill up. The rule with the USAir employee vouchers is that if a paying customer needs your seat, you have to surrender it. So when the flight became completely full and still more needed to get on, a flight attendant went to the original seat of Mr. Gay and said to the man now sitting there, "Excuse me, are you Gay?"

The man, somewhat stunned, said, "Well, yes, as a matter of fact I am!"

The flight attendent said, "I'm sorry, but you'll have to get off the plane."

At this point Mr. Gay, who had been watching all of this, jumped up and said, "Excuse me, you've made a mistake - I'm Gay!"

Finally, another man jumped up and said, "Well, hell, I'm gay too! They can't throw us all off!"