Kerry's Komedy Klub

[Kerry]

Will I Live to see 80?

I recently picked a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I'll be 60 next birthday).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'Not much. My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said . . . . 'Then, why do you even give a shit?'

[Katie77]

A doctor in Duluth wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. 'Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.'

'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: 'So, Ole, How was your day?'

Ole told him that he took care of three patients. 'The first one had a
Headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'

'Bravo, Mate, and the second one?' asks the doctor.

'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him the MAALOX, sir,' says Ole.

Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the Doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a woman comes in.   Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!!

'Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, what did you do?' asks the doctor.
.
.
.
.
. I put drops in her eyes........

 




 
.

 

 

 

 

 

[Kerry]

. I put drops in her eyes........

                             

[Katie77]

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned and
smacked the shit out of him...

Like his mother used to do.

 

[Katie77]

WALMART CAKE.......true story  (read explanation underneath picture)





Okay so this is how I imagine this conversation went:
  
Wal-Mart Employee:   'Hello 'dis be Walmarts, how can I help you?'
   Customer: ' I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.'
   Walmart Employee:  'What you want on de cake?'
   Customer:  'Best Wishes Suzanne' and underneath that 'We will miss you'.
       You can't fix stupid.

[Katie77]

Strailya Mate!



An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a beer.



 

All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.


In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice,' he says.


The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the  glass to pieces.


   


'Wull mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass either,' he says.


The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Kiwi.


 


He turns to the astonished barman and says, 'In Strailya mate, we have so many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice.

 
 

[Katie77]

Two good ol' > boys in a Tennessee


Two good ol'
> boys in a Tennessee
> trailer
> park
> were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer
> after getting off of work at their local Nissan plant.
> 
>
>
> After a while
> the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak
> over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your
> wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and
> had a baby, would that make us kin?"
> 
>
>
> The 2nd guy
> crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head
> and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
>  Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about
> kin, but it would make us even."
>
>

[Kerry]

The Reverend Fred Nile is a Jerry Falwell clone here in Sydney. He's doubly dangerous because as well as being a minister of religion, he is also a politician! To give you an insight into his mean-spirited, decidedly un-Christian character, each year he attends the Gay Mardi Gras parade with a small band of like-minded fanatics . . . . no, not to dance and party, but to pray for rain! 

 

[Kerry]

Wilson Tuckey is one of the most eccentric and controversial figures in Australian federal politics. In 1967, when he owned a pub in Carnarvon, Western Australia, he was convicted of assault after striking an Aboriginal man with a length of steel cable. It was alleged that the man was being pinned to the ground at the time. He has had the nickname "Ironbar Tuckey" ever since.

[Kerry]

This little test will enable you to find out who REALLY is your role model.


Don’t scroll down just yet though . . . . .
 

First, you need to do the simple maths below and then scroll down to find your hero:

 
You will think it’s crazy how accurate this is!

 
1. Pick your favourite number between 1–9

2. Multiply by 3, then . . .

3. Add 3

4. Then again multiply by 3 (I’ll wait while you grab the calculator)

5. You’ll get a 2 or 3 digit number

6. Add the digits together

 
NOW SCROLL DOWN





KEEP SCROLLING





WON'T BE LONG NOW





YOU'RE ALMOST THERE





With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:

 
1. Einstein


2. Oprah Winfrey


3. Snoopy


4. Ronald Reagan


5. Bill Gates


6. Mahatma Gandhi


7.  Brad Pitt


8.  Babe Ruth


9.  KERRY!  That's right, it's ME!


10. John F. Kennedy

 
I know – I can't help being charismatic – one day you too can be like me.  Believe it!

 
P.S., Stop picking different numbers!!!  I AM YOUR IDOL, JUST DEAL WITH IT!