Kerry's Komedy Klub

[CellarDweller]

 


OMG!  I'm laughing out loud in my cubicle here!!!!

[Kerry]

[Zander]

Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate of Stella (beer) and sticks them into the trolley
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife
'They're on offer, only £10 for 24 cans', he says
'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.
The man replies... 'so does 24 cans of Stella and it's half the f**king price'

[Zander]

The great Spice Girl hunt

[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cTJ4VFBpASg[/youtube]

[Katie77]

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

[Katie77]

Daffy Duck on a dirty weekend, calls hotel reception and asks for a condom.
The receptionist says, shall I put them on your bill?

Daffy replies.....

Don't be thucking thupid I'd thufficate!!!!

[Katie77]

SENIOR  DATING

Dorothy  and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.


Dorothy: 'That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.'

Edna:  'Well, I'll tell you.  He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7  P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me  such beautiful flowers! 
Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car...A  limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. 
Then he takes me out for dinner... A marvelous dinner... Lobster, champagne,  dessert, and after-dinner drinks.
Then we go see a show.

Let me tell  you, Dorothy, I  enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!   
So  then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an  ANIMAL. 
Completely  crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way With me two  times!'

Dorothy:  'Goodness gracious!.... So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with  him?'

Edna:  'No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress.'



                                       

[Zander]

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an
expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
> The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would
like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in
the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband
looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She
gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what
it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she
finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit  with a subtle chalk
stripe; the suit fits him perfectly ...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very
satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did
you spend?' 

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the
 blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite
blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a
deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in  shortly
after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I
asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black
suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. . . . . . . ...
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(wait for it)


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 So I just switched the heads.'
(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)

[Kerry]

[Kerry]