Kerry's Komedy Klub

[Katie77]

The Sweetness of Married Life
 

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town
and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.
'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered.  I'm going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the
door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of
beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland ,
Japan , India , etc

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he
could think of saying was, 'Yes, Lollipop, but, at the bar.  You
know they have frozen glasses.'

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife
interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' 
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she
was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at
the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious. 
I won't be long.  I'll be right back.  I promise.  OK?'
'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven
and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres:  chicken wings,
pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.
'But my sweet honey, at the bar, you know there's swearing, dirty
words and all that.'

'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?  LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! 
SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR
BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES
BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED
BAR!  THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?'

They lived happily ever after.  Isn't that a sweet story?
MARRIED LIFE --  MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP.

[Kerry]

'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?  LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! 
SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR
BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES
BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED
BAR!  THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?'

Sounds like another woman I work with!        

[Katie77]

Sounds like another woman I work with!        

Gee Kerry,  sounds like you work with some classics.......

[Kerry]

[Kerry]

[Kerry]

May be necessary to scroll over -->

[Kerry]

[Kerry]

[Katie77]

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM
MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:


'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.


Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.


 

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'


*******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.


 

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.


 

6. Put window up.


 

7. Drive off.


 

*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:


 

What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!!


1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.


 

3. Set hand brake, put the window down.


 

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.


 

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.


 

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.


 

9. Re-insert card the right way.


 

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.


 

11. Enter PIN.


 

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.


 

13. Enter amount of cash required.


 

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.


 

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.


 

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.


 

17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of cheque book.


 

18. Re-check makeup.


 

19. Drive forward 2 feet.


 

20. Reverse back to cash machine.


 

21. Retrieve card.


 

22. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!


 

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.


 

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.


 

25. Redial person on cell phone.


 

26. Drive for 2 to 3 kilometres.


 

27. Release hand brake.


 



 

 
 
 
 
 

 


 

 

[Kerry]

Hmm, I just noticed Calvin has Sydney Opera House on his head!