~~THE PERFORMANCE THREAD~~ **aside** ((action)) %%thought%%

[alec716]

To:  Mr. TERRY CLOTH

From: Ms. VERA WANG



Subject: Use of my name in vain

Message: Dear Mr. CLOTH (BTW, I like that name!),

It has come to my attention that you have used my name in reference to a certain bodily act.  My attorneys assure me that if I should take you to court on this matter, we would beat you.  They say we would masticate you, and spit you out.  

Bearing this in mind, I ask that you refrain from tossing off my name that way.  I bear you no ill will.  In fact, I send you two bottles of my eponymous cologne.  Not sure what's in it - a sheep brought some by one day and said we could bottle it under our name....

TERRY MOXIE-IS-BACK-LIKE-OWLMA-DID-NOT-JUST-DISS-HIS-MARRIAGE-PROPOSAL CLOTH:

** Hey, fancy Vera lady, my lawyer would write you back but he's Wang-king off in MASTER BATEMILLE's MISTER RAYMILLE's trailer.  You don't happen to reupholster casting couches, do you?  Maybe you and I could get together sometime... my fabric, your design talent... who knows what could happen.    And thanks for the emuleponymous cologne!  But sheepers creepers, I could asphyxiate from the smell.  Kinda reminds me a whiskey.  **

[Lumière]

AUDIENCE MEMBER:



**
OMG!! OMG!!
Some one call the paramedics!
Someone dial 9-1-1! NOW!

TIMMY has twisted his beer gut!  He is mooning us from the front! 

Heeeeeeeeeeeeellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllpppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp!!!!!!!!
**

[Daniel]

GUY RAPHAELSON:

((Guy picks up his fork carefully and digs into the garden salad... First he pierces the tantalizing shrimp and breaks off the tail with a practiced flick of the wrist. Suddenly a thought enters his mind.))

**I forgot to wash my hands, Lucise. I'll be right back.**

((He heads to the bathroom, and the world becomes unsure of his return.))

GUY RAPHAELSON:

((Surprisingly, Guy returns after a few minutes.))

((Guy sits down with a smile in Lucise's direction, noticing how he is watching his every movement.))

**So how did the sheep sorting go?**

[alec716]

((Owl Olivia and lil' Olli Owl who has accompanied her to the wedding can't quite believe their owl-ears...)) 

TERRY CLOTH:

**  C'mon, OWLMA, you an' OLLIE ain't married.  You don't want JUNIOR to grow up the product of a broken nest, do ya?  I'm saving money for a branch, got a tobacco can with two dryer sheets inside.  Not a big nest egg, but a start.  And maybe either the HIGHLY AVAILABLE PRIESTESS or her HIGHLY OVEREXPOSED BUTTY BUDDY TIMMY would officiate when we buy our vOWLs take our vows.  So c'mon for a spin on life's wheel a fortune with me!  And don't give me a pat "no" for an answer... gimme a pat and say JACK .... I mean say yes!  **


&& Phew, close one there, almost blew it... better be careful there, Cloth, Butter her up but don't mention JACK... &&


(( TERRY CLOTH, in reviewing his brilliant contributions to Western civilization and the human condition in general ridiculous postings from earlier today, realizes that he posted reply number 2000 on this Thread!!  A big Broken Arsed YEEHAW to all of us and our long-suffering AUDIENCE!!!!  ))

[Lumière]

 

[Meryl]

AUDIENCE MEMBER:



**
OMG!! OMG!!
Some one call the paramedics!
Someone dial 9-1-1! NOW!

TIMMY has twisted his beer gut!  He is mooning us from the front! 

Heeeeeeeeeeeeellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllpppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp!!!!!!!!
**

TIMMY:

** A-HAHAHA!  Don't worry, son, I'm fine, I'm fine!  HAHA, yessirree Bob, I get that all the time.  It's nothin' to worry about, just my particular gift, y'might say.  I like t'think my U-Neek Phyzeek is what got me my role on this here movie!  Before I was born, "ass backwards" was just a sayin'!  Now it's the gospel truth, heh heh heh!  Relax, m'boy, relax!  **



((Still chuckling to himself, TIMMY obliges the fascinated audience members by modeling his finished costume from both front and back, to enthusiastic applause, and ends with an impromptu autograph session. ))


MERYL:
Congrats to Alec on Post #2000, and to Broken Arsed Productions, too!!  YEEHAW! 

[DeeDee]

YOUNG ENNIS:

(( After the wedding, Ennis and Alma settled into life with each other.  Ennis loved her like a dutiful husband, but he was not in love with her.  That part of his heart was already taken.))


Hold on ta me, Alma...wheeeeeeee...

(( Down the hill on the sled, they went.  Giggling like kids, having fun.  He was pulled into the snow by her and images of that last snow on Brokeback flashed through his mind.))

%% That was tha beginnin' of tha end for us.%%

[isabelle]

Minister:

%% OK, so they got married without me having to tell them that they were now Man and Wife. Well, that's good, because with the look on the poor boy's face I'd never've had the guts to actually marry them. I'd've simply told Ennis to run out of the Church while I kissed his bride, and do whatever it was that he ought to have been doing.
Come to think of it, maybe they should have come to me for advice...%%

[Meryl]

((Meryl relaxes in her trailer after her makeup and wig session for TIMMY's big scene))

%% I feel ready.  More than ready!  Just put me in my costume, hand me a shovel and bring on that hot, sweaty YOUNG ENNIS! %% 

[Daniel]

Minister:

%% OK, so they got married without me having to tell them that they were now Man and Wife. Well, that's good, because with the look on the poor boy's face I'd never've had the guts to actually marry them. I'd've simply told Ennis to run out of the Church while I kissed his bride, and do whatever it was that he ought to have been doing.
Come to think of it, maybe they should have come to me for advice...%%

GUY RAPHAELSON:

**Now that your part has passed, Joll E. Minister, we thought you might like to see the new hard candy line we're pushing out. Jolly Ministers, cause the ranchers in this sure ain't. Flavors: Cherry, Apple, Lemon, Coconut Pecan**

((Guy smiles jauntily))

**If you notice all the Jolly Ministers start out straight and narrow, but if you put them in your mouth and suck on them a little, they soften up really easily.**