~~THE PERFORMANCE THREAD~~ **aside** ((action)) %%thought%%

[alec716]

LUREEN'S PASTIES:

  &&  Now our momma has come to save us from this blonde hoochie with the bad hairdo, and bring us back up on stage where we belong.  %%

(( Overhearing this comment, a prone-to-being-righteously-aggrieved CHER shar peis sashays away from her love puppy DAVID TASSLE-HOFF



and makes inquiry of the impertinent Sacred Concert Tour Relics.  ))

CHER (in a baritone which bespeaks her rich irritation at the interruption in her lustiness):

Excuse me, to exactly which blonde hoochie with the bad hairdo are you referring?



Keep up such CYNDI sinful talk and I'll LAUPER lop yer sequins off!  You'll be on eBay before you know it!

(( Her rebuke delivered, CHER saunters back to her love nest du jour and continues helping DAVID TASSEL-HOFF get the wrinkles out of his, um, .... puppies.

[Ray]

Hey!  give back those pasties ya hag! Weren't you never taught to Cher?  %%Bytch, where did she come from?!  there goes mah game o' knuckles!%%

%% David Hasselhoff?!  Now there's a real man!  Here I am stuck with Jack bloody Frost in this cramped automobile and my childhood idol, Cher the queen if pasties and hair, and DH, my childhood fantasy, are hanging outside with a bucket.  Oh Lord, why do you smythe me so?!

[Daniel]

YOUNG JACK:

%% Who said anythin' about bein' sated? %%

((Jack somehow comes out of his traumatized state and manages to get up, barely making it to the bathroom before vomiting himself.))

%% Whatever that Lureen's got, its catchin'. Think I'll stay in today.%%

((Jack takes a long shower using soap vigorously, tries to gently remove the abrasive glue remains from his eyelids, and spends the rest of the day wonderin' where Ennis is. He gets out a piece of paper and starts to write.))

%% Dear Ennis....  Well, I've done it with a woman, I think. I mean I'm not for certain that it was a woman, nor am I hunnerd percent sure I did it either. The whole night was kinda a terrifyin' blur. I'm not certain what it was, but it weren't like bein' with you. I hain't seen ya in a few years now, and I don't know where you're at neither, but I hope ya know I'm thinkin' on ya. It's the only thing keepin' me sane...%%

((Jack begins to mull over what he just wrote, and then he thinks to the last time they saw each other and how bitterly they departed each other's company... He's overcome by a desperate sadness as he knows he'll never see Ennis.... He crumples up the note and throws it away.))

[alec716]

(( Having learned from the print media that her appearance on the B.A.M. production is not universally beloved, CHER packs up her well-traveled Sacred Concert Tour Wig Trunk and prepares to leave the set.  ))



(( However, after an international wave of celebrities and politicians, including former U.S. President BILL CLINTON and former U.S. First Lady and current U.S. Senator HILLARY CLINTON arrive on the B.A.M. set



to voice their support for CHER and to bolster her sagging... um, ego... CHER decides to stay.  ))

[Ray]

Hey Cher, you don't know me yet, but do ya wanna be mah bridesmaid?  I's got me an inclin' that I's gonna be hitchin' up to ol' blue eyes at tha tip of a shotgun now he's gone an' hidden half his stash in me vault.  He ain't much ta talk to I grant you, but man those buns o' steel.  Them's speak volumes!  So waddya say about bein' in me bridal party?  There'll be fresh prawns at tha reception!

[alec716]

(( Showing that CHER has support on both sides of the bed American political spectrum, U.S. President GEORGE W. BUSH insists on turning the television back to the B.A.M. Cable Network, much to the disgust of CONDI RICE.

))

(( Meanwhile, despite suffering a headache caused by today's international media frenzy,



CHER is continuing her humanitarian works and explaining to one of the dejected BOY SCOUTS



why she had to auction off the entire troop's collection of pasties on eBay



when she hears LUREEN's invitin' call.  ))

Hey Cher, you don't know me yet, but do ya wanna be mah bridesmaid?  So waddya say about bein' in me bridal party?  There'll be fresh prawns at tha reception!

CHER (putting aside her own attraction to JACK, realizing that this poor twirly girl needs him more than she does):

Why, LUREEN, you know I'd love to help you out!  Come look at my Sacred Wedding Dress Closet and find something that fits ... or that will by the time of the nuptials! 




== Insert pregnant pause for LUREEN's response.  ==

[Daniel]

YOUNG JACK:

Yeah, there's going to be a weddin'!!!

((Jack pauses for a moment.))

Wait a minute, a weddin'? ((Lureen's words finally sink into his head.)) ... Shotgun?!... Prawns?!... ((Jack considers runnin' for the border a ways ahead of his moment.))

((At Lureen's "buns of steel" comment, Jack reaches into the back of his jeans and pulls out the metal dishes he'd had stashed up there.))

%% Thanks for remindin' me a those. Was wonderin' why I was sittin' funny.%%

[Lumière]

(( Meanwhile, back in Signal Wyoming ..

Lucise Indapaddock walks into a small jewellery shop on Center Street, Rings 'N Chains R We, owned by Piotr Indaloo, father of Lucas Indaloo .. aka the ALLEY DUDE ..  Lucise hesitates when he sees the sign..



.. but decides to give the little shop a try.  Truth is, Lucise has been contemplating doing this for weeks.


After a few minutes checking out the meagre selection, Lucise spots a ring that catches his eye:


))

%%
  A Sheep ring!  A friggin' Sheep ring!    I am buying this ..!

Focus Lucise ... FOCUS!  That ain't what you came here for ..
%%


((Lucise is about to call out to the shop owner when he sees ..




%%
  That's it!  That's it!  This is the one!
%%


((Moments later, Lucise walks out of the jeweller's, a little smile on his lips ..
his heart pounding with excitement ..



Well okay, he looks very calm in this picture, but you get the idea .. 

))




....


Milli:

** WTF was that about, you ask? lol..Stay tuned will ya..!!  **

[Daniel]

GUY RAPHAELSON:

((Tries not to point out that he was abandoned mid-conversation.))

Daniel:

It's obvious to me. A hot guy in his sexy torn-hole cableknit sweater is visiting a jewelry store for the perfect accessory that will fit in his sweater-hole.

[Lumière]

GUY RAPHAELSON:

((Tries not to point out that he was abandoned mid-conversation.))

Lucise Indapaddock:

((Telepathically strokes Guy's bruised ego .. and umm, other places ..  ))