Kerry's Komedy Klub

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The other night I was invited out for a night with 'the girls'. I told
my husband that I would be home by midnight. . . .'I promise.'
Well the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too
easy, Around 3 am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and
cuckooed three times. Quickly realising he'd probably wake up, I
cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for
coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed)
in order to avoid a possible conflict with him.

The next morning, my husband asked me what time I got in, and I
told him midnight. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew !!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked why, he
said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'Oh S**t
cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat and cuckooed another
3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the cat."

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A Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding
hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat
silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny
for your thoughts, Angus,"

"Well, I was thinking" . . . perhaps its aboot time for a wee kiss.
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the
cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out
over the loch, Minutes passed and then the girl spoke again,
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well I was thinking . . .perhaps its now about time for a wee cuddle.:
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds..
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze over the loch.
After a while, she again said,"Another penny for your thoughts Angus."

"Well I was thinking . . .perhaps its aboot time you let me put my hand
on your leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her
knee. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze over
the loch, before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts
Angus." The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, now,"
he said, my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."

"Really ?" said the girl, in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, "Don't you think its aboot time ye paid me the first
three pennies ?"

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Now for a few short ones...

Two Mexican cops are investigating a murder.

Carlos turns to his partner and asks, "So what do you
think ?"  to which his partner replies, "I think he's been shot by
a golf gun."

"I've never heard of a golf gun before, " said Carlos.
His partner replies, "Well, it sure made a hole in Juan."

Did you hear about the Irish couple who sat up all night on their
honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive.

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a police-man and said, "I have lost my Dad!"

The cop asked, "What's he like ?"

The little boy replied, ""Beer and women with big boobs."

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state
capitals. She says, "Go on ask me, I know them all."
A friend says, "OK What is the capital of Wisconsin ?"
The blonde replies, " Oh that's easy : W."

A woman standing naked in front of the bedroom mirror
says to her husband, "I feel fat, saggy and ugly. Pay me
a compliment."

Her husband said, " Your eyesight is blooming spot-on."

On the way to pre-school, the doctor had left her stethoscope
on the car seat, and her 4 year old daughter picked it up and
began playing with it.

"Wow," thought the doctor, "my daughter wants to follow in
my footsteps !!"

Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Welcome to
McDonald's. May I take your order ?"

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A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over
here and help . . . I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't
figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks , "What's it supposed to be when it's
finished. "

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's
a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle
spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box,
then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we
do we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into
anything resembling a rooster."

He held her hand, and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax.
Let's have a cup of coffee, and then . . . . " he sighed, "let's
put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."

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A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days so the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear.

When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume. The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear."

The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement. The husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom and there, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume. He again yells at his poor wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!"

The next morning his irate wife goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items: one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is a 2x4 The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?"

The wife yells back, "Take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don't like that idea, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo. And if you don't like THAT idea, you can shove the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudgesicle!"

[Kerry]

[Kerry]

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