Kerry's Komedy Klub

[Katie77]

[dot-matrix]

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring
up at a large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was
covered with names, and small flags mounted either side of it.

The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time,
so when the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and
saidquietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning Pastor," replied the young man, still focused on
the plaque. "Pastor, what is this ?"

"Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who
died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little
Alex's voice was barely audible, trembling with fear, when he
asked, "Which service, the 9.45 or the 11.15 ?"

[dot-matrix]

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are excited about their
decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they
pass a Chemist. (drugstore) Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter, "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes.

Jacob : We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist : "Of couse we do."

Jacob : "How about medication for circulation ?"

Pharmacist : "all kinds."

Jacob : Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis ?"

Pharmacist : "Definitely."

Jacob : "How about Viagra ?"

Pharmacist : "Of course."

Jacob : "Medication for memory problems, arthitis, jaundice ?"

Pharmacist : "Yes, a large variety. . . the works !"

Jacob : What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for
Parkinson's Disease ?"

Pharmacist : "Absolutely."

Jacob : "You sell wheelchairs and walkers ?"

Pharmacist : "All speeds and sizes . . .why do you ask. . . is there
something I can help you with ?"

Jacob : "We'd like to nominate your store as our Bridal Gift
Registry."
 

[dot-matrix]

This woman walks into a chemist shop and tells the pharmacist she wants
to buy some arsenic. He says, "What do you want with arsenic?"

She says, "I want to kill my husband because he cheats on me by having
sex with another woman."

The pharmacist says, "I can't sell you arsenic so you can kill your husband
even if he is having sex with another woman."

So she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her husband
having sex with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist says, "Oh, I didn't realize you had a prescription."

[dot-matrix]

A man called the Church office one day and asked to speak to "the head hog at the trough."

The Pastor's secretary was taken aback by this discription of her spiritual leader and told the man
if her wished to speak to the Pastor he was going to have to address him correctly as Pastor or
Reverend.

The man then told her the reason he wanted to speak to the head hog was because he had recently
come into a large sum or money and he wanted to make $50,000.00 donation to the church.

To which she replied "Hang on sir, Porky just walked in"  

[dot-matrix]

The day came when Bill Gates passed away and found himself before
the throne of God.

"Well Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this one, I'm not sure
whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society
enormously by putting a computer in nearly every home in the world,
and yet you created that ghastly Windows, I'm going to do something
I've never done before, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Mr Gates replied, "Well, thanks God. What's the difference between
the two?"God said, "You can take a peak at both places briefly, if it will
help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?" "Sure," said Bill, "Let's go."

Bill was amazed. He saw a clean white sandy beach with clear waters.
There were thousands of beautiful men and women running around,
playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining
and the temperature was perfect.
"This is great." said Bill. "If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven.
God replied, "Let's go." so off they went to Heaven.

Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting
about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing
as Hell. Mr Gates thought for a brief moment and then rendered his
decision. "God, I believe I would like to go to Hell."
:As you desire." said The Almighty.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see
how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming
amongst hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and
tortured by demons. "How ya doing Bill?" asked God.

Bill responded with anguish and despair, "This is awful ! This is not
what I expected at all. What happened to the beach and the beautiful
women playing in the water ?"

"Oh THAT !" said God. That was a screen saver."

[dot-matrix]

"Doc," said Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asked the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I
want it done," replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor.
"It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no
going back. It will change your life forever."

"I'm aware of all that and you're not going to change my mind_
either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another
doctor."

"Well, OK." says the doctor, "but it's against my better judgment."

So Steve had his operation, and the next day he is up and walking
very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand.
Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the
same way.

"Hi there," says Steve. "It looks as though you just had the same
operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I
would like to be circumsised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Damn, THAT'S the word!!

[dot-matrix]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight
around looking for valuables. when he picked up a CD player to
place in his sack, a strange disembodied voice echoed from the
dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked off his flashlight and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and
clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,
clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out he shone the light around frantically looking for the source
of the voice. Finally in the corner of the room his flashlight came to rest
on a parrot.

"Did you say that ?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed, "Warn me huh? Who are you?"
"Moses, replied the parrot.

"Moses !" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people
would name a parrot Moses?"

The parrot says, "The same kind of stupid people that would
name a Rottweiler Jesus."

[dot-matrix]

Children's science exam results ~ ~ ~

Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made
safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes the water safe to drink because it removes
large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q. How is dew formed ?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour ?
A. Keep it in the cow.

Q. What are steroids ?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on stairs.

Q. What happens to your body when you age ?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels andyou get intercontinental.


Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty ?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.

Q. What is the fibula ?
A. A small lie.

Q. What does varicose mean ?
A. Nearby.

Q. What does the word benign mean ?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.[/b]

[underdown]

Oooooh. Love em all.

 

Hey, Sue, the cartoons are great.

Thank you all.