Kerry's Komedy Klub

[Kerry]

[Kerry]

Ooh, Dagi, I just noticed, only 2 more posts and you'll be at 2000!!!

Congratulations!

Yee-Haw!

[Dagi]

And number 2001 at Kerry´s Komedy Klub to thank you for your congratulations and for bringing my attention to it!    I surely wouldn´t have noticed!

[Kerry]

[dot-matrix]

"Children's Quips."

Jack (age 3) was watching his mother breastfeed his new baby
sister. After a while he asked, "Mom why do you have two? Is one
for hot and one for cold milk?

Melanie (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied
that she was so old, she had fogotten. Melanie said, "If you don't
remember, you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say 5 to 6."

Steven (age 3) hugged and kissed his mother goodnight. "I love you
so much, that when you die, I'm going to bury you outside my window."

Brittany (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in
vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her mother
explained it was a childproof cap and she'd open it for her.
Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked, "How does it know it's me?"

Susan (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups.
"Please don't give me this juice again," she said. "It makes my teeth
cough"

Marc (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging
and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he
asked his Dad, "Why is he whisoering in her mouth ?"

D.J. (age 4) stepped on the bathroom scales and asked, "How much do
I cost ?"

Clinton (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom
asked what was troubling him, he replied, " I don't know what will
happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in ?"

James (4) was listening to a Bible story. His Dad read: "The man named
Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife
looked back and was turned into salt." Concerned, James asked,
"What happened to the flea ?"

Tammy (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather
wrinkled woman who her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while
and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face ?"

[dot-matrix]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him. "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say,"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"


"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "This may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"


There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"

[dot-matrix]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.

As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight towards his seat.

As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his seat.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out "Business trip, or pleasure?

"She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention, in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at the convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I am the lead lecturer where I use information that I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?"

"Well, she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian whois most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent that are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with the absolutely best stamina is the Southern Redneck..."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.... "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

[dot-matrix]

A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
 
"No, I don't" she replied

Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile.

"Oh, well. I tried," he thought. But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked.
 
I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said.

[dot-matrix]

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm an honest loyal wife, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

[dot-matrix]

Last one for tonight



A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while
he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some
sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of
the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement,
somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just
did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything
in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and
stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey
ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He
orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino
cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and
eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his but, pulls
it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now? He
asks.

" No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it
out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats
everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he
measures everything first.