Kerry's Komedy Klub

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[Katie77]

Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................


"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.


            "Huey," was the reply.

           "How's your day been, Huey?"

           "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all
           day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
           "Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second
           duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"

          "Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

         "So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.

          "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of
           puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

          The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must
          be Louie?"

          "No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
          "My name is Puddles."


         

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The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a
well dressed middle-aged French woman and the seat was being
used by her dog.

The weary traveller asked, "Ma'am, could you please move
your dog as I need that seat ?"

The French woman looked down her nose at the American and
said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't
you see my little Fifi needs that seat."

The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but
after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again
facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans!
Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine ."

The American didn't say anything else. He leaned over and picked
up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the
empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend
her honour and chastise the American.

An Englishman sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly, "You
know sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the
wrong thing. You eat holding your fork in the wrong hand. You drive
on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the
wrong bitch out the window."

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An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction
work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.


They were eating lunch and the Irishman says, "Corned beef and
cabbage. If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch
I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican guy opened up his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos
again. If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.

The blond guy open his lunch and said, "Salami, again. If I get
a salami sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef
and cabbage and jumped to his death.

The Mexican guy opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.

The blond guy opened his lunch, saw the salami sandwich and
jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, If I'd
have known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage
I never would have given it to him again.

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him
tacos or enchilades. I didn't realise he hated burritos so much.

Everyone turned and stared at the blond's wife. "Hey, don't
look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."

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A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a
sales rep for a large company.

The interviewer looks over the man's application and says :
"You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations
are wonderful and your experience unparalleled. Normally,
we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales rep has
a highly visible position and we're afraid that your constant
winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry, but we
can't hire you."

"But wait," says the sales rep, "If I take two aspirins I'll stop
winking."
"Really ?" said the interviewer. "Show me."

The applicant reaches into his jacket and begins pulling out all
sorts of condoms; red ones, blue ones, ribbed ones and even
flavoured ones. Finally, he finds a packet of Aspirin. He tears
it open and swallows two pills, and the winking stops.

"Well,"" said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this
is a respectable company and we will not have an employee
womanizing all over the country."

"Womanizing ?" the sales rep says, "What do you mean? I'm
happily married."

"Well then," the interviewer asks, "how do you explain all
these condoms ?"

"Oh that," the sales rep sighs. "Have you ever walked into
a pharmacy, winking and asked for aspirin ?"