Kerry's Komedy Klub

[Katie77]

A blonde city girl marries a Colorado rancher.
> 
>   One morning, on his way out to check on the cows,  the rancher says to Amy,
> 'The  insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today.
> I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's  stall in the barn. You
show him
> where the cow is  when he gets here, OK?'
> 
>   The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while,  the artificial
insemination man
> arrives and knocks on the  front door. Amy takes him down to the barn.
> 
>   They walk alo ng  the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells 
him,
> 'This is the one right here.'
> 
>   The man,  assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, 'Tell me 
lady,
> 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know this  is the cow to be bred?'
> 
>   'That's simple. By the nail over its stall,' Amy  explains very
confidently.
> 
>     Laughing rudely at her, the man s ays,  'And what, pray tell, is the
nail for?'
>
>   The  blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I
guess  it's
> to hang your pants on.'
> 

[Katie77]

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood
and
said, "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience
on
Broadway, he had the right credentials.
       The agent asked, "What's your name?"
       The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
       The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get
into
Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."
       "I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries
old.
I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
       The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years...
you
will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm
telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to
represent you."
       "So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy
said
and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER.....The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside
the envelope are a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is
awe-struck,
who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter enclosed:

Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in
Hollywood; you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make
it
with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make
it
in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your
office,
I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to
change my
name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with
another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so
the
enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your
advice.

Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke

[Katie77]

'Viagra' is now available in a sweetened powder form, which you use in place of sugar in tea or coffee.

It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft.

[dot-matrix]

A nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.'

'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two..'

'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
 
'Anything, Father.'

'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'

'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'.....she consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
 
'Father, could I ask something of you?'

'Yes, Sister?'

'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'
 
'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.

'Oh Father, may I touch it?'

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can Give Life.'

'Is that true Father?'

'Yes, it is, Sister.'

'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!'

[Katie77]

[Kerry]

[Kerry]

[Katie77]

Matrimonial advice from a very considerate & loving husband


It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is George. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Bernie.

Since I retired several years ago, it has become necessary for Bernie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Bernie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Sincerely, George




EDITOR'S NOTE



George died suddenly on March 1 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Bernie was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that George somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
 

[Kerry]

[Kerry]