Kerry's Komedy Klub

[dot-matrix]

Out of the Mouths of Babes ... 

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her
five year old son playing with his new electric tain in
the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of
you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause
this is the last stop. And all of you b*****ds getting on
get your ass on the train, 'cause we're going down the
tracks right now."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't
use that sort of language in this house. Now I want you
to go to your room for two hours. When you come out,
you may play with the train, but you must use nice language.

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and
resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and
the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are
disembarking the train , please remember to take all your
belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today
and hope your trip was a pleasant one.

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just
boarding, we ask that you stow all your hand luggage under
your seat. Remember there is no smoking on the train, We
hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, :For those of
you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see
the fat bitch in the kitchen.

[dot-matrix]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his
flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he
picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange
disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,
"Jesus is watching you,"

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight
off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a
bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation
after the next big score, then clicked the light on and
began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect
the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching
you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically,
looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner
of the room. his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, the n squawked,"I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird, Moses ?"

"The kind that would name a Rotteweiller Jesus."

[dot-matrix]

An Irish priest is transferred to Texas . Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:
 
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

[Katie77]

A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase
his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
   
  Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked
for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1
to  10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.
The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were
close. The number was  7.... sorry, no sex this time.'
   
  A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba,
pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free
sex. The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct
number. The redneck guessed  2 this time. The proprietor said,
'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.'
   
  As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't re ally give away
free sex.' Bubba replied, ' No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't
rigged. My sister won twice last week.

 

[Katie77]

An irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A policeman pulls him over.
 
"So", says the policeman to the driver , "Where have you been "?
 
"Why I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk .
 
"Well", says the lawman "It looks like you've had quite a few drinks this evening ".
 
"I did all right ," the drunk says with a smile.
 
"Did you know ,"says the policeman standing straight and folding his arms across his chest , "That a few intersections back , your wife fell out of your car ?"
 
"Oh, thank heavens", sighs the drunken driver , "For a minute there , I THOUGHT I HAD GONE DEAF ."


 

[Kerry]

[dot-matrix]

Th e male gymnast needed to raise money to support
himself while in training and to pay for his travel
and hotel expenses during overseas competition.

He was therefore delighted when he was asked to
participate in a secret mission for a month during the
peak tourist season at the local zoo

The zoo's much loved ape had just died. It was a great
tourist attraction as he was extremely acrobatic,
jumpimg from branch to branch, swinging from the ropes,
doing somersaults.

The zoo did not want to admit that the ape had died as
many people came to the zoo just to watch the ape. Without
such an attraction, the number of visitors would decline --
and the zoo needed every paying customer it could get to
survive.

The gymnast was therefore asked to dress up in the ape's skin
and act like the ape tumbling, swinging and being very energetic.

The gymnast loved this new work and all went well until the
last week of the engagement. After a particularly energetic.
swing on the rope he accidently let go and hurled out of the
cage and into the lion's enclosure.

As he landed, he looked up to see a fierce lion approaching.
He started to scream for help, but the lion put a mighty paw
across the gymnast's mouth and hissed, "Sssh. Do you want
us both to lose our summer jobs ?"

[Kerry]

[Kerry]

[Kerry]