Kerry's Komedy Klub

[Kerry]

[dot-matrix]

As soon as she had finished parochial school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.
Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child.
In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work.
She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant.
She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage.
She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and back flips.
Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies.
They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other: "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"

[Katie77]

A Texas gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman.
The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,   This is from the gentleman seated over there, indicating the sender.
She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
 
 
The note read:
For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants.
 
 
After reading the note, the Texan decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.
It read:
 
 
For your informa, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, a Porsche Turbo, Toyota Prius and Matrix, in my garage, beautiful homes in Aspen , Colorado and Miami and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas , and there is over twenty million dollars in my bank account.   But, NOT even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back.

[dot-matrix]

Three friends meet at the new pub in town...

The first says, " Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come
from, there's a better one. At McDougal's, you buy a drink,
you buy another drink and McDougal himself will buy your
third drink."

The second then starts, "That sounds like a nice bar, but
where I come from, there's a better one called Quinns.
At Quinns you buy a drink, Quinn buys you a drink, you buy
another drink, Quinn buys you another drink."

Then the third pipes up, "You think that's good? Where I
come from, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's
they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second
drink, they buy you your third drink, and then they take
you in the back and get you laid."

"Wow." say the other two. "That sounds fantastic!! Did that
actually happen to you ?'
"No," replies their friend, "but it happened to my sister."

[dot-matrix]

Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brien grew up
together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed
cancer and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called
to his buddy, Shawn. "O'Brien, come here. I've a request for ye."
Shawn walked to his friend's bedside and kneels. "Shawny, ole
boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere.
I have one last request for ye to do."

O'Brien burst into tears, "Anything Patrick, anything ye wish.
It's done."
"Well under me bed, is a box containing a bottle of the finest
whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born, it was.

After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour
that fine whiskey over me grave, so it might soak into me bones
for all eternity."

"O'Brien was overcome by the beauty and in true Irish spirit of
his friend's request, he asked, "Aye, it's a fine thing you ask
of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But might I strain it first
through me kidneys ?"

[dot-matrix]

An Irishman and an American were sitting in the bar at Shannon
Airport. "I've come to meet my brother," said the Irishman.
"He's due to fly in from America in an hour's time It's his first
trip home in forty years."

"Will you be able to recognize him ?" asked the American.
"I'm sure I won't," said the Irishman, "after all, he's been away
for a long time."
"I wonder if he will recognize you?" said the American.

"Of course he will," said the Irishman. "Sure, and I haven't
been away at all."

[dot-matrix]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of
Guinness and sits at the back of the room, drinking a sip out
of each glass in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back
to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches
and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and
it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm in Dublin.
When we all left home, we promised we'd drink this way to
remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for
each brother and one for me self."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it
there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always
drinks the same way.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other
regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to
the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want
to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences
on your loss.

The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light
dawns and he laughs. Oh, no, everybody's just fine." he explains.

"It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had
to quit drinking. Hasn't affected me brothers though !!"

[dot-matrix]

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally, they
decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they
went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how
their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the
subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex ?" he asked rather trustingly.
"Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say
I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then looking
over his glasses, looked her in the eye casually and asked,
" Was that one word or two words ?"

[Kerry]

I'm a little behind in reading my Time magazines but will try to catch-up over Easter and post more topical cartoons shortly.     

[Kerry]